Schedule your angioplasty in advance.

Even though Sam and I don’t eat any of this weird crap because we’re both old enough to be scared of heart attacks, I always look forward to the annual Big Tex Choice Awards ... winners of the Texas State Fair’s latest batch of deep-fried monstrosities. For those of you with strong stomachs and healthy arteries, here’s what’s in store when the State Fair opens on September 24.

Deep-Fried Pop-Tarts: S’mores flavor Pop-Tart is battered and deep fried, drizzled with chocolate syrup and topped with whipped cream. Fried Beer: Beer-filled pretzel pocket is deep-fried to a golden brown. (Must be 21. And insane.) Fried Lemonade: Flavored pastry is made from Country Time® lemonade, then baked, fried and glazed with lemonade mixed with powdered sugar. (A side order of insulin is 75¢.) Fried Club Salad: Colossal 12" spinach wrap filled with ham, chicken, iceberg lettuce, carrots, cherry tomatoes, shredded cheddar and bacon. Deep fried, topped with deep-fried sour dough croutons on a stick and served with a choice of dressing. (Romaine would be healthier than iceberg. I’m just saying.) Fried Chocolate: A white chocolate mini candy bar and a cherry are stuffed into a brownie, dipped in chocolate cake batter and deep fried. Topped with powdered sugar, cherry sauce and whipped cream. Texas-Fried Frito Pie: Texas chili and sharp cheddar encased in a giant Frito corn chip, battered and deep-fried.

Frankly, none of these sound nearly as exciting as last year’s winning entries, which included Chicken-Fried Bacon and Deep-Fried Oreos, both pictured below for your possible interest.

Personally, my suggestion for a new State Fair treat would be Deep-Fried Infant Formula, because it’s never too early to get our local kids started on the road to heart disease and obesity. Thank you for reading this.