Friday, May 2, 2014

Texas is run by a financial terrorist who also happens to be really, really stupid.

In this post: Food delivery, palpatations, Governor Hairdo.

As I hang around waiting for my Friday evening delivery from — baloney with olives! homemade tamales! bean salad! sliced turkey! — I thought I’d overshare some crap from yesterday when I experienced two exciting new symptoms of autonomic neuropathy, which is defined as follows by the National Library of Medicine:

Autonomic neuropathy is a group of symptoms that occur from damage to the nerves that manage everyday body functions, such as blood pressure, heart rate, sweating, body temperature, bladder control and digestion. Autonomic neuropathy is most frequently caused by diabetes.

My latest problems? Not counting the ongoing comedy of lousy bladder control, yesterday I had HEART PALPATATIONS and COULDN’T CATCH MY BREATH, which continued all day and all night, making it practically impossible to walk, talk, eat, sleep or pop open a can of Vienna sausages. And because I was awake (off and on) almost all night my fasting blood sugar this morning jumped to 140, which is probably about 60 points higher than usual.

How’s the weather in your neck of the woods today? Here at Howdygram headquarters the sun is shining, the air is clear and the temperature outside is 82°. Inside, though, all I can smell is LATEX PAINT because our shower remodeling crew finished up about half an hour ago in the master bathroom. They did a very nice job. Let’s hope it lasts this time. (See previous post for all the essential details.)

In case you haven’t seen this video anywhere else online, here’s amazing footage of an actual landslide in Baltimore that plunged a dozen cars — and railroad tracks! — into a 30-foot sinkhole after torrential rain. Apparently neighbors had been recording the event all day as the street began to collapse ... and then, at about 1:15 on the video, the unthinkable happens.

And now I’d like to end the week with another Putz ... and this time I’ve got one that’s closer to home! According to a report today on, swaggering halfwit Governor Rick “Hairdo” Perry of Texas has bribed Toyota with $40 million of his taxpayers’ money to consolidate and relocate their U.S. corporate offices to Plano, which involves raiding 3,000 jobs from Torrance, California, and another 1,000 from Kentucky. Bragging to the Wall Street Journal about his pro-business policies, Perry said: “It is the biggest win we’ve had in a decade. Ten years of tax, regulatory, legal and educational policies have now put Texas at the top of the heap.”
On the contrary, Governor, YOU’RE A FINANCIAL TERRORIST. At a cost of $40 million in public funds that could have been spent on your state’s citizens, America has gained ZERO NET JOBS while gifting Toyota with cash it absolutely doesn’t need. Even worse, shortly afterwards Toyota told the Los Angeles Times that they’d been looking to consolidate to a less expensive region of the United States for more than a year and Plano was already at the top of a short list that also included Charlotte, Denver and Atlanta. Nice move, you power tool. Those new fake glasses do not make you look smarter after a moronic deal like THIS.

So while Toyota’s board of directors toasts Governor Hairdo’s generosity tonight with a case of Alamo beer, their California transplants may not be too thrilled about relocating once they get here and find out what Texas DOES NOT have to offer. For instance: 1) seriously inadequate workers’ compensation coverage; 2) no employee wage protections; 3) NO WATER; 4) schools filled with creationist propaganda that cater to the religious right; 5) almost zero tolerance for women’s reproductive choice; 6) a shortage of delicatessens; and 7) Tea Party fanatics representing them in Congress. The only plus side? We’ve got no state income tax, affordable housing and a lower cost of living overall when compared to California. Texas may be a swell place to retire, but if you’re still employed or have school-age children you can consider yourself EXTREMELY SCREWED.

I want to eat a lot of food now. Thank you for reading this.

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