Because I’m frequently obsessed with this subject I’ve decided to do a mostly all-food Howdygram post this afternoon!
I guess you can think of it like a pizza in a pizza in a pizza. Pizza Hut Singapore calls it their “Double Sensation Pizza” just in time for Christmas dinner with a scary list of nauseating ingredients: “Two unique crusts, one stuffed with cheesy sausage and another with 3-flavor cheese, topped with succulent smoked chicken and rolls of turkey ham lunch meat on two tantalizing sauces – Pepper Alfredo and Salsa.”
Judging from the image posted above, other ingredients include sliced zucchini, red and green bell pepper, mushrooms, cheese nipples and elves. Yes, there’s a maraschino cherry on top. The only thing missing is Pepto Bismol.
From the Wonderful World of Alcohol comes a new product line by Devotion Vodka scheduled for release in 2013: Shaquille O’Neil’s “Luv Shaq” flavored vodkas, which are sugar-free and gluten-free for health-conscious drunks and athletes. An article in the New York Post says the bottles will feature a sexy image of O’Neal with giant wings. Holy crap. Gouge my eyes out.
And finally, I can’t help shaking my head in amazement at the latest failure in Congress as Speaker of the House John Boehner gets kicked to the curb by practically everybody. While Republicans will assuredly go down for their pointless infighting, posturing and outrageous efforts to protect only the wealthiest Americans, now they’ve even revolted against Boehner as he looks for a way out of the fiscal cliff crisis, which is currently being held at gunpoint by the right-wing halfwits in his own party.
While the Democrats push for middle class tax relief, Republicans are still harping on breaks for the top one percent ... which means the Democrats are in an excellent position to retake the House in 2014. I say the sooner the better. Just tell me where to send my check.
Whoa. I found out a few minutes ago that Boehner is only 5'6" tall. Why doesn’t somebody just smack the crap out of him?
Around 11 this morning Sam and I hit the road for a nice 75-mile drive to our favorite barbecue restaurant in Fairfield, Texas, except when we pulled into the parking lot it looked like half the state got there 15 minutes before we did. The joint was MOBBED. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t such a hot idea to pick a restaurant on I-45 halfway between Dallas and Houston during the busiest travel day of the year.So ... to perk up my spirits on the way home I conned Sam into stopping at the Russell Stover factory store in Corsicana for some sugar-free chocolate. THIS PLACE IS THE REAL DEAL, PEOPLE! It’s a gigantic CHOCOLATE SUPERMARKET across from the Russell Stover manufacturing plant and an ideal destination for a diabetic pilgrimage. I tried to wheedle Sam into a chocolate marshmallow Santa but he wasn’t interested. NOT INTERESTED?Who doesn’t love chocolate marshmallow Santas? No kidding, that boy ain’t right.
For your possible interest, the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) the restaurant in Fairfield that was too damn crowded for lunch; and C) Russell Stover’s in Corsicana. They even do factory tours!
I apologize for not writing a Howdygram post yesterday but I was busy playing with fonts and eating meat loaf. A detailed two-part explanation will follow shortly.
Holy crap. I think I missed the apocalypse! Actually, I forgot all about it until maybe half an hour ago, at which time I checked CNN.com to find out if other people are still alive besides me, and you know what? There are! Below is a photo of Einstein tourists taken yesterday in Bugarach, France, which was cited in ancient Mayan prophecy as the only place on earth that will survive doomsday. I hope these clowns got their money’s worth because we’re all still here. (I love the hats, but I seriously can’t understand why men always need official hats for everything.)
And now for the detailed two-part explanation I promised at the top of this post.
Playing with fonts. Yes, I’m still rebuilding my collection in the wake of Monday’s Big Font Disaster. Pictured below are several of my latest acquisitions for your possible interest. I especially love Fedra Condensed and Charon but don’t ask me to explain this.
Eating meat loaf. I made a meat loaf yesterday for the first time in years because meat loaf as a rule is loaded with carbs (from bread crumbs) and not a healthy option for diabetics who give a crap about their blood sugar numbers. However ... the geniuses at Netrition.com sell an awesome low-carb meat loaf mix that should run for mayor of Diabetesland. THIS STUFF IS STUPENDOUS! I made a beautiful picture-perfect low-carb meat loaf — as shown below — that would be good enough for company if we ever had any.
Incidentally, I used the brand new Perfect Meat Loaf Pan I got last week from Wal-Mart. This is truly a brilliant product and I think you should order one immediately if it’s not already on your Christmas list. They throw in a free recipe book but you have to buy your own meat. Click here.
We’re looking forward to a nice, restful holiday weekend here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam has four days off to watch movies, take naps, eat potato salad and buy me things. He even has a whole Kroger pumpkin pie in the fridge JUST FOR HIM with a private can of whipped cream. To tell you the truth, life here would be absolutely perfect if we could figure out what happened to Sam’s favorite jeans! They went missing overnight somewhere in the bowels of Howdygram headquarters — nowhere to be found — so I’ll be running the following ad tomorrow in the Dallas Morning News.
For the record, this is the second time Sam has had a disappearing wardrobe incident. The last time was back in March 2011 (see post) when his favorite black stretchy pants vanished into thin air. After scouring every corner of the house for months WE NEVER FOUND THEM.
Pants don’t just get up and walk out by themselves. Please send an email if you have any suggestions so we can stop wringing our hands. Thank you for reading this.
So here I sit. It’s a windy Wednesday night and the temperature outside is dropping from a high of 80° this afternoon into the mid-30s by tomorrow morning, ushering in 10 days of typical December weather that averages around 58°. Unfortunately there’s no rain in the forecast whatsoever, not counting a 20% chance on Christmas Day that will never materialize because Weather.com couldn’t get it right if their lives depended on it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: THEY’RE LYING SACKS OF POO.
Breaking news: I’m no longer sick of fonts! While this probably comes as no surprise to many of you, it’s my pleasure to report that yesterday’s frustrating font disaster (see post) has morphed into a triumph, thanks to the discovery of a website called FontScore.com, where a greedy individual can download FREE OpenType versions of the best fonts on the planet ... entire families with all the weights, italics, small caps and fractions! THIS IS FANTASTIC. Now that I’ve dumped all the corrupt crap from my font library I’m ready to start over and load up on anything I can get my hands on, especially fresh new copies of all the fonts that disappeared without warning. I’m having so much fun I might need a couple of egg rolls for dinner! Below for your possible interest is a partial list of the fonts that I acquired this afternoon.
Since it’s already after 8 p.m. I think I should inject some insulin and chow down. I’ve decided against the egg rolls mentioned in the previous paragraph because it takes too long for China City to deliver. Instead I’m considering one or more of the following: 1) Loma Linda fake meat in a can; 2) Lowrey’s microwave bacon curls with a teeny bowl of queso dip; 3) a ChocoPerfection low-carb chocolate bar; 4) Five-Minute Stupid Soup (see recipe); or 5) American cheese, Vlasic sugar-free bread & butter pickles and a peach phosphate.
Hungry yet? Anybody who wants to join me for dinner should send an email right away and I’ll set an extra place at the table. Don’t forget to let me know which of these menu options appeals to you. Thank you.
Welcome to Marcy’s Ongoing Font Disaster. After more quirky behavior from my iMac computer today I spent another three hours deleting an additional 200+ corrupted fonts — not counting the 350 I deleted yesterday; see previous post — that showed up in my system file with little red and yellow “danger” tags. When I finished I was half-blind but feeling technologically superior, so I decided to unwind and design a couple of birthday cards. That’s when I ran into some exceptionally crazy crap with a corrupted InDesign document. I had to “force quit” InDesign and Photoshop at least half a dozen times and restart my Mac over and over and over, and in the process more than half of my remaining fonts — the HEALTHY ones! — vanished from the face of the earth.
I devoted the remainder of the day to hunting down and reinstalling the fonts that got away. I had zip files for lots of them (thank God) but had to prowl around on half a dozen different websites to download some others. It’s already after 7 p.m. and I’ve been dealing with this horseshit since Sam left for work at 1:15. MY BRAIN IS FRIED. After nearly three decades as a Macintosh owner, I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve ever been sick to death of fonts!
While I sit here contemplating an order of therapeutic Mongolian chicken I’m thinking that new perfume would be really swell, too. I got a Macy’s Christmas flyer in the mail today with one of those rub-it-on-your-wrist scented paper samples for Dior J’adore, pictured at right. This crap smells GREAT so I go to Fragrancenet.com to order myself a bottle and discover that it’s selling for $97.19 ... and that’s the DISCOUNTED price.
What the hell. I remember back in junior high when I could buy Heaven Scent at Walgreen’s for TWO LOUSY BUCKS! Of course, at the time I didn’t mind smelling like a 13-year-old girl. I don’t think I could get away with that today. Senior citizens with canes and trifocals need something a little more sophisticated and age-appropriate, such as Eau de Depends.
Good morning from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters! Okay, I agree that “bowels” might be unnecessarily graphic, but I’m at a loss how else to describe sitting at my desk with TicTacs at 5:18 a.m. If you come up with something better please send an email as soon as possible. Thank you.
This will be an outstanding week around here due to the number of exciting deliveries on the way. These include: 1) zero-calorie Miracle Rice; 2) a six-pack of Fifty50 sugar-free peanut butter; 3) two cartons of Lowrey’s microwave bacon curls; 4) a case of 12 little pouches of pink salmon; 5) Jok-n-Al No-Carb Lemon Curd; 6) another bottle of Jok-n-Al No-Carb Chili Pepper Sauce because I got addicted after trying this heavenly crap for the first time last week; 7) Fiber Gourmet low-calorie spaghetti; 8) Bella Vita low-carb pasta sauce; and 9) several bottles of DaVinci sugar-free raspberry and peach syrups because Sam and I love to make phosphates. In case you’re interested, I ordered items 1 through 4 from Amazon and 5 through 9 from Netrition.
Incidentally, I have no idea what lemon curd is (item 5, above) but I’m hoping it’s like the filling for a lemon meringue pie. I’ve got a grand plan to smear it on a low-carb flour tortilla — maybe with ricotta cheese and a pile of Equal — and pretend I’m eating dessert or a mentally ill blintz with sour cream on top. (Stop laughing.) Stay tuned for a complete review. If this turns out to be edible I’ll even post my recipe.
From our Macintosh News You Can Use department, I’ve been having occasional slowdown issues with my Mac for the last couple of months that culminated yesterday afternoon with a bizarre “out of memory” error while I was horsing around in Adobe Illustrator. Out of memory? What the hell! So I called my computer guru, Betty, who suggested this is probably a FONT CONFLICT and not really a memory issue at all. My assignment? DUMP MY OLDEST FONTS BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT COMPATIBLE WITH THE NEWER FORMATS. Holy crap, this is like asking a bum to give up muscatel.
Regardless, I spent the next three hours examining and trashing more than 350 decrepit old PostScript fonts that I haven’t used for years decades, some with file dates from the mid-1990s. Almost as old as my underwear! I was happy to dump them, though, in exchange for no more system errors, and I’m pleased to report that my Mac’s performance has already improved considerably.
Please clap your hands if you share my joy. Thank you.
And finally, the Howdygram is pleased to announce the latest recipient of our coveted Putz of the Week Award ... Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry, who thinks the answer to last week’s massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary is for school teachers to carry assault weapons in the classroom. I’m guessing he also recommends shoulder holsters, ammo belts and camouflage gear.
In a speech on Monday to the North Tarrant County Tea Party, Perry added “One thing I
hope I don’t see is a knee-jerk reaction from Washington, where they
come in and think they know the answers.” Seriously, Governor Einstein
... do you think you have the answers? This is the same horse’s ass who carries a semi-automatic pistol when he walks his dog — in a residential neighborhood — in case he has to get tough and blast a cranky squirrel. I CAN’T STAND THIS GUY.
I should go back to bed for a while. Thank you for reading this.
It’s the middle of the night and I should have been in bed hours ago, but I’m feeling compelled to share two things.
First, today is FREE SHIPPING DAY for 1,500 online retailers, and the Howdygram strongly suggests that you visit the websites of your choice IMMEDIATELY and shop your crazy little brains out! Click here to access the complete list of participating retailers.
Second, I just downloaded another pile of incredible free fonts from FontSquirrel.com. Many of these include six or more styles — extra light, thin, regular, semibold, bold, heavy, black, and so on — plus italics. ITALICS! Fonts are my number one favorite addiction not counting sugar-free pie and Mongolian chicken.
Okay, it’s official. I’m exhausted. Turn out the lights when you’re done here, okay?
After two days of seriously crappy national news I’m trying hard to regain my sense of humor, which explains why I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday and why I almost didn’t write one today. Among the disturbing stories still haunting me are: 1) the unspeakable massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School; 2) Hillary Clinton fainting from dehydration and clobbering her head; and 3) the untimely death of Kim Kardashian’s kitten, most likely from overuse as a fashion accessory. Holy crap. What an Einstein.
On a more cheerful note, Sam and I enjoyed a nice weekend of togetherness, food, a leisurely drive in the country, several juicy naps and Sunday Night Football. The food part included burgers on Saturday afternoon at Scotty P’s and lunch today at Alfredo’s. The Sunday Night Football part was a very good game between New England and San Francisco, which San Francisco won. I was rooting for the Patriots. What the hell.
I guess I’m not in the mood to write too much tonight. I know you’ll forgive me. Try to come back tomorrow, okay?
Ah, Friday! What a glorious day with nothing special to do, not counting a laundry-folding marathon planned for sometime after lunch. At the moment Sam is having fun at Wal-Mart, where he’s retrieving prescription refills and a nice container of sour cream providing it’s NOT manufactured by Kraft. Their “Simply Kraft” brand simply sucks. It’s tasteless and soupy and the crappiest sour cream on earth. I might use what’s left in the container for onion dip, but I’m not promising anything.
Very welcome thunderstorms were predicted today for the Dallas area but once again the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com blew their opportunity to help us fight the drought. When I checked the online forecast at lunch time our 60% chance of late afternoon storms had evolved into a 30% chance of showers around 2, at which time we experienced 15 minutes of light rain from an insignificant cloud that moved through here so fast it’s already on the outskirts of Texarkana. I’m not even sure our grass got wet.
And now for a quick movie review! This time it’s Banjo on My Knee (1936), a weird little film starring Joel McCrea, Barbara Stanwyck, Walter Brennan, Buddy Ebsen and — of all people — adorable crooner Tony Martin in one of his first roles. So here’s the plot. White trash newlyweds Ernie and Pearl Holley (McCrea and Stanwyck) are a pair of hick Mississippi River dwellers whose wedding (on a houseboat!) gets wrecked by a brawl that sends an obnoxious neighbor overboard in the dark. Thinking he killed the big jerk, Ernie flees into the night and leaves Pearl stranded at home with his dad, toothless Walter Brennan, for half a year while he sails all over the world as a merchant marine. Trouble is, the aforementioned neighbor didn’t drown at all and shows up about an hour after he fell into the water. By then Ernie is long gone.
So, while Ernie’s on the lam Pearl goes nuts stuck on a rickety houseboat with his pop and heads to New Orleans to work for a photographer played by screwy Walter Catlett, pictured at right, whose intentions are less than honorable (we all saw this coming except Pearl), therefore she quits after her first day and lands a job scrubbing dishes at the Creole Cafe down the block. Within a week she’s also an entertainer, singing duets with Tony Martin (see previous paragraph). This is actually unfortunate, because Stanwyck’s vocal talents hover slightly below Marlene Dietrich’s. In the middle of all this, a buddy named Buddy (played by Buddy Ebsen, oddly enough) from back home on the river stops in and winds up singing and dancing with Pearl as well. Personally, I’d like to know which Hollywood Einstein thought it was a good idea to cast Stanwyck in a musicalalongside pros like Tony Martin and Buddy Ebsen. Take a look at the video clip below and judge for yourself. Incidentally, the geezer playing the one-man-band contraption is Walter Brennan, who shows up at the Creole Cafe with all of his hillbilly instruments about the same time as Buddy. If this makes no sense to you, either, welcome to the club.
To wrap it up (at last, right?), Ernie eventually comes back from his travels, finds Pearl in New Orleans, suspects she’s been having a fling and starts a big brawl at the Creole Cafe that lands him in jail. A neighbor bails him out, Pearl and his dad pay for the damages, everybody shleps back to their rickety houseboats on the river to live happily ever after, not counting a huge storm that looks like a hurricane. You know, with TIDAL WAVES on the Mississippi. This is all a big confusing waste of time, talent and money, although it’s always heartwarming to see Walter Brennan as a musical geezer with no teeth.
And finally, some breaking news from world of physics, where a group of researchers is almost convinced that our universe may exist within a computer simulation, something like the 1999 movie The Matrix, and a team at Cornell University has devised a system to test whether it’s true or not. This is all far beyond my comprehension and exceeds the scope of my journalism abilities, but apparently if “energy signatures” in the simulations match those in the universe at large, there’s a good chance that we, too, are living within a simulation.
University of Washington student Zohreh Davoudi says whoever made our simulated universe might have made others as well. She asked, “Can you communicate with other universes if they’re running on the same platform?” What a concept. Hard to believe that pot has only been legal there since November!
I think I need a nap. Wake me when it’s over, okay?
Poor Sam finally got home from work this morning at 5 a.m. I opened one squinty eye when he got into bed, mumbled “Is that you?” and don’t remember anything else until I regained consciousness at 8:15. Sam slept until 10, showered, dragged our can to the curb for Thursday trash pickup and went back to work at 1:30. I have no idea when he’ll be able to catch up on all the sleep he’s missed but I’m guessing he’ll be in a stupor most of the weekend. I might make him a surprise omelet for lunch on Saturday. Sam loves surprise omelets. (He also loves mozzarella sticks.)
Hey, people. You have to buy a set of Perfect Tortilla Pans. I LOVE THESE THINGS! I’ve been making big juicy taco salads with low-carb tortillas, shredded lettuce, Thrive taco TVP, hot sauce and little piles of shredded cheese. I had a couple for dinner again tonight and I think they might be the cutest food ever.
You can buy a set for only $10.88 from Wal-Mart.com (best price I’ve seen anywhere, even cheaper than Amazon) plus 97¢ for shipping. This is an excellent deal because you get four nonstick pans in a nice box. Go ahead and place your order right now if you want to. I’ll be glad to wait.
And now, for the ultimate Thursday night entertainment, I thought you might enjoy the following video clip about the weird names people in Utah give their children. These are some of the strangest names on earth. Apparently they leaked far beyond the boundaries of their state, serving also to inspire Sarah “Einstein” Palin in far-off Alaska, who named her offspring Peeper, Pooper, Brillo, Crack and Troll.
So here’s what’s going on tonight at Howdygram headquarters: NOT A LOT. Sam will be stuck at the office very late tonight, most likely until 4 a.m. Thursday because a group of clients are in-house working on a big freaking project that involves staying overnight in a conference room with cold pizza and no deodorant. Which means I’ve got a lot of time on my hands to work on the new design for my Ovation Creative website, horse around with another Howdygram post and indulge in a few guilty pleasures. These include, in no particular order: 1) a midnight shower; 2) folding a basket of Sam’s socks by candlelight; 3) watching the second episode of The Thorn Birds; and 4) injecting insulin.
All plans are subject to change, however, because I’m unusually tired right now and might conk out without warning. I’m also hungry.
In case you’ve ever wondered who on earth reads the Howdygram, the following visitors map from the last 24 hours ought to satisfy your curiosity. Please wave if you recognize yourself, okay?
Here’s the recipe I promised in my last post! The key is stocking your pantry with wonderful freeze-dried whatnots from Thrive. You should really be shopping there.
4 cups water
4 teaspoons Better Than Bouillon (chicken, mushroom or beef)
2 teaspoons corn starch dissolved in ¼ cup cold water
Boil the 4 cups of water. Stir in your Better Than Bouillon soup base, all the freeze-dried crapola (feel free to use little handfuls instead of measuring cups) and the rinsed Miracle Rice. After everything simmers for two or three minutes stir in the corn starch mixture and your soup will thicken like magic into an INSTANT MEAL with practically no fat and carbs. Is this brilliant, or what?
Incidentally, if nobody in your family wants to taste your Stupid Soup you have my persmission to enjoy the whole pot all by yourself.
I woke up at 4:30 this morning sneezing my fool head off. Because it’s difficult to sleep through a prolonged sneezegasm attack and the resulting nasal clog issues (translation: my head feels like concrete), I decided to haul myself out of bed, drink a peach phosphate and read the latest news about Rick “Einstein” Perry, the medieval right-wing governor of Texas. This time we’ll review Ricky-Boy’s announcement on December 11 that he’s throwing his full support behind a yet-to-be-filed “fetal pain” bill that’s based on questionable but church-approved science. And I use the term “science” loosely here.
Perry said yesterday in his speech to a Jesus-based clinic for women: “This session I’m calling on the legislature to strengthen our ban on the procedure, prohibiting abortion at the point a baby can feel the pain of being killed. We have an obligation to end that kind of cruelty. We will not stand idly by while the unborn are going through the agony of having their lives ended.”
Holy mother of crap. I CAN’T STAND THIS GUY.
With critical statewide budget shortfalls, deteriorating highways and education funding in a shambles, Governor Einstein’s biggest concern continues to be a clump of accidental cells in a woman’s uterus. Somebody should give him a copy of the memo that family planning, birth control and abortion — all of which have been legal medical services in the United States for decades — ARE NONE OF HIS DAMN BUSINESS. It’s not his uterus, it’s MINE. Trust me: if men were the childbearing gender of our species, abortion would be legal, free and sacred.
I need to calm down now. I’m all knotted-up.
Today’s agenda at Howdygram headquarters will include: 1) an ongoing laundry marathon featuring socks, underwear and way too many robes; 2) our biweekly Schwan’s delivery; 3) watching episode two of The Thorn Birds that I recorded last night; 4) making a pot of Marcy’s Five-Minute Stupid Soup; and 5) I can’t think of anything else.
I’ll post my recipe for Stupid Soup in a few minutes so don’t go away. Thank you.
In case you’re wondering why I haven’t written much about our weather lately it’s because we haven’t had any. Today was really cold; tomorrow will be a smidgen less. That’s about all I have to say on the subject because there’s still no precipitation in the forecast and we’ve only had half an inch of rain since mid-October. This explains why our cattle are enjoying greener pastures in Oklahoma for the duration of the drought. Heartbreaking, isn’t it? I miss the big lugs. (I also miss rain.)
Before I get carried away with tonight’s breaking news I thought I’d post the latest edition of our Holy Crap Gallery, this time featuring a pair of celebrities with and without makeup. Next time you think you look lousy in the morning, picture Goldie and Kathy.
And now for tonight’s breaking news from Texas! Apparently Governor Rick Perry and his remedial right-wing legislative yahoos finally understand the birds and the bees. After de-funding Planned Parenthood during the last session —yet another attempt to outlaw abortion — and cutting $76.5 million from the state’s budget for essential family planning services to 285,000 poor women, they’ve all suddenly realized there will be 23,760 more babies born in Texas by 2015 than if these women had been given access to birth control. And the cost of all those extra babies in state funds will be an estimated $273 million, mostly from additional Medicaid costs. So now Governor Einstein is scrambling to figure out how to add back funding for family planning, which is no easy feat because the de-funding process is nearly complete and the state’s network of clinics and physicians has been dismantled. God bless Texas. Is this a crock, or what?
Take a guess which blockbuster 1980s mini-series is on Encore this week. Give up? The Thorn Birds starring Richard Chamberlain, Rachel Ward and Barbara Stanwyck! It’s been at least 25 years since I’ve seen it, and every raunchy minute is still burned into my brain. I CAN’T WAIT. I might even force Sam to sit through it. If I volunteer to make homemade tacos maybe he’ll manage to stay awake.
The Thorn Birds tells the 50-year saga of a family in Australia’s outback. Meggie falls in love with her priest (oy) and the situation creates so much angst for the people in her orbit that your screen could melt. Even if you’re not into chick flicks, The Thorn Birds is worth every minute of your time if for no other reason than to watch scene-stealer Barbara Stanwyck at age 76 in her last role as matriarch Mary Carson. She won an Emmy for this part, primarily for an unforgettable segment where she tries to seduce Richard Chamberlain.
I assume Sam is working late tonight because he should have been home about half an hour ago — duh! — so maybe I’ll take a nice hot shower and watch a little TV while I wait for him to call and tell me what’s what. Thank you reading this, and I hope you’re still having a very happy Hanukkah.
We had lunch yesterday at Alfredo’s Steakhouse in Forney, Texas. We’d been driving past it for years on our way to other restaurants and finally decided to give it a shot once we noticed the parking lot was full at an odd time of day. Now we know why! Alfredo’s is NOT a trendy restaurant that’s trying to act like a 1950s diner; IT’S THE REAL DEAL where all the food is made from scratch by Alfredo himself with his own two spotless little hands. They’ve got huge portions, Flintstone-size dinnerware, retro prices, adorable round dinner rolls and pour real gravy on practically everything. Sam ordered a breakfast burrito for $4.99 that could have been the centerfold for this month’s issue of Popular Obesity. They even have liver and onions. LIVER AND ONIONS! We can’t wait to go back because Alfredo’s is only 15 minutes from home and we want to try everything on the menu.
For your possible interest the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) Alfredo’s Steakhouse on U.S. 80 in Forney.
Incidentally, we almost got to meet Alfredo but he was too busy to horse around in the dining room with customers. I tried to find a photo of him online but had no luck, so here’s a picture of Cesar Romero instead.
Weather.com says there’s a cold front heading for Dallas tonight, which explains why my knees were stiff as a board when I woke up this morning and why I decided to stay in bed for an extra hour and skip our planned junket to Costco. I sent Sam by himself to load up on some of our favorite crapola, which included: 1) a gigantic jar of shockingly-tasteless dry-roasted peanuts; 2) a two-pound tub of rotisserie chicken salad; 3) a carton of Angus 100% beef fully-cooked char-grilled hamburger patties; 4) a couple of overstuffed calzones; and 5) a large package of sliced pepper jack cheese. Sam said he got really excited at the checkout when he realized he might be getting out of Costco cheap this week except at the last minute they tacked on our annual membership renewal and loused everything up.
The Howdygram would like to extend its warmest wishes for a happy Hanukkah to everybody celebrating tonight in Latkeland. Thank you and shalom.
This just in from our Sports Desk! The Irving, Texas, police have reported that Cowboys linebacker Jerry Brown died yesterday in an early morning car crash, and Cowboys nose tackle Josh Brent was charged with intoxication manslaughter in Brown’s death after ramming into a curb at high speed and flipping his vehicle while driving drunk. I’m not saying this is an excuse or anything, but if I tackled noses for a living I’d probably get plastered, too.
I have no agenda for the rest of the evening except for dinner and a hot shower. Since Sam is asleep in the family room (his third nap today) and showing no interest whatsoever in food, I’ll probably be dining alone unless you’d like to drop in for a while and watch The Shop Around the Corner starring James Stewart and Margaret Sullavan. Let me know so I can turn on the driveway light.
It’s the crack of dawn, and judging from the strange crap in my head right now I guess I’ll be writing an all-food Howdygram post. Could be worse, right?
First up, here’s an interesting video from Foodbeast that shows you how to jazz up your food like a fifth-grader with do-it-yourself shaker jars of pulverized Doritos, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and barbecue potato chips. Know what? This doesn’t sound half-bad to me.
Don’t look now, friends, but tonight’s the first night of Hanukkah, the Jewish Festival of Grease! In case you’re interested in a real down-home celebration I found a few recipes online that may fit the bill.
Potato Latke Pizza. Dry yet tasteless crust covered with apples, goat cheese, sour cream and potatoes. Trust me, it’ll never be a hit on campus. [Get recipe here.]
East Indian Potato Latkes. Made with hot peppers, cilantro, mint — mint?! — and enough oil to float the Israeli navy. An interesting way to combine dinner and mouthwash. [Get recipe here.]
Fried Pasta Salad. Rock-hard, deep-fried bow-tie pasta slathered with a scary blend of pesto, marinara, Italian salad dressing and mayo. Make enough for your office party and lose a few friends! [Get recipe here.]
Deep-Fried Reuben Egg Rolls. Stuffed with pastrami, sauerkraut and Swiss cheese. The sandwich of my nightmares — there’s nothing I hate worse than sauerkraut and Swiss cheese! — is Jewish/Chinese fusion for the 21st century. Kill me now. [Get recipe here.]
For the record, we won’t be eating any of this crazy shitsky at Howdygram headquarters because Sam and I prefer our own traditional Hanukkah fare, including tuna salad, Vlasic sugar-free bread & butter pickles, ice cream, peach phosphates and Tex-Mex. You can come for dinner if you want to.
Earlier today I get a “concerned and sober” email from our irritating right-wing representative in Congress — Jeb Hensarling — politely requesting: 1) my permission to stonewall the White House on fiscal cliff negotiations; and 2) my candid opinion about the economy. I ripped him a new one instead. Here’s the comment I posted to his website:
Don’t back any fiscal deal unless it includes a higher tax rate for the top 2% and NO CUTS to Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid. House Republicans are a joke, Congressman. Try to represent your entire constituency for a change, not just the handful that agrees with you. I’m a senior citizen who will qualify for Social Security next year and for Medicare three years after that. I’ve worked all my life for these benefits. You already have yours; now it’s MY turn.
I hope he has nightmares tonight. An accurate cartoon of his goofy face appears below.
I’m making a solemn vow. Next time I try to order from China City online and their website acts like it’s having a nervous breakdown I will immediately defrost a couple of hot dogs and not waste an hour and half sitting in my front foyer STARVING TO DEATH. Holy crap, people, I placed a nice order online around 5:35 tonight and injected my mealtime insulin at 6, expecting China City’s doofus driver to show up within half an hour. Didn’t happen. At 7:50 I finally call the restaurant to ask where the hell is my Mongolian chicken and they tell me the order never came through. Truth is, if I hadn’t choked down a few spoonfuls of peanut butter at 7:15 I’d probably be unconscious by now.
The nice lady apologized profusely in broken English (at least I think she was apologizing), took my order over the phone and promised to deliver it ASAP. I hope they don’t screw this up because I received a shipment today from Netrition.com with SUGAR-FREE SWEET & SOUR SAUCE and I’m planning to douse everything as soon as it gets here, not including soup and fortune cookies.
Sam and I are counting on an excellent weekend that includes all of our favorite recreational activities, including naps, food, more naps, a few good movies, a week’s worth of “People’s Court” episodes and a drive in the country, not necessarily in that order. Feel free to join in if anything interests you, okay?
Sleep deprivation has its moments. I woke up at 5 a.m. to start designing a new logo for Ovation Creative (in case you missed yesterday’s breaking news, I’m redesigning my website) and wound up instead writing this post for the Howdygram. I should probably go back to bed at some point but I’m sure I’ll be fine regardless because I’ve got TicTacs for energy and half a Marcytini.
It seems that North Koreans are preparing en masse to commemorate the first anniversary of Kim Jong Il’s death (read my original post) on December 19. A moving tribute yesterday by North Korea’s state radio station referred to the miserable tyrant as “a peerless sage of mankind, possessed with warm humanity, broad magnanimity and noble sense of moral obligation.” Seriously? North Koreans are starving to death! The announcer also included homage to the dead dictator’s beloved “threadbare and discolored” parka, describing it as “an incredible witness of history.” The announcer added: “His parka was that of a great father, with which he kept all the people on this land from snow, rain and cold.” Holy crap, man … it’s a jacket.
For your possible interest the Howdygram is pleased to post the following photos of hysterical historical significance from our North Korean News Desk.
Before I forget, today is Pearl Harbor Day and you should check out all the swell war movies on TCM, including They Were Expendable (1945) — my personal favorite — at 7:45 a.m. Central time starring John Wayne and Robert Montgomery.
I think I’ll head back to bed now and pester Sam. Thank you for reading this.
The voice of reason prevailed this morning. Sam successfully convinced me that I don’t deserve a $7.99 haircut from a salon that’s probably run by high school students on work release. I’m sure he’s right. Except now I’m stuck with all these valuable coupons! Feel free to clip as many as you want, but you’ll have to fly to Texas to use them. (Depending on the cost of airfare this might not be such good deal after all.)
Don’t look now, but illiterates walk among us. They’re everywhere. If you don’t believe me, try to pay closer attention to everything you read online. The following photo was part of a slideshow this morning on NBCNews.com, and this was the caption below it: “Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, walk hand in hand from Buckingham Palace the day after their wedding to a waiting helicopter.”
For the record, this kind of crap gives me hives. Show of hands ... does anybody besides me see the problem here? THE DUKE AND DUCHESS WERE NOT MARRIED TO “A WAITING HELICOPTER.” It’s dangerously similar to a convoluted phrase like “throw me over the fence a shovel” and provides ample proof that news websites need to hire a few trained editors. The caption should read: “The day after their wedding, Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, and Catherine, Duchess of
Cambridge, walk hand in hand from Buckingham Palace to a waiting helicopter.”
Hey, Einsteins ... CAPTIONS ARE JOURNALISM, TOO!
Thank you for letting me unload. It’s time for lunch now.
Sam called from work about an hour ago to let me know he’s buried in projects and will be home “very very late.” Judging from past experience this could mean anything from midnight to 4 a.m., although it’s not likely I’ll be able to wait up for him past 2 because I’ve had a hard day doing practically nothing and need a good night’s sleep.
Know what? I had a brainstorm tonight ... I think it’s time to redesign my Ovation Creative website! I haven’t made any changes for at least three years so this is a project that’s long overdue. I like the idea of a new look once in a while but it’s hard to convince my clients to give it a shot when I never bother to do it for myself. The first step is a new logo. Come back often for additional news bulletins and the big unveiling, hopefully before the first of the year.
As long as I’m into makeovers I think it’s also time to do something different with my hair. I received a local mailer today with coupons for cheap and potentially shitty haircuts at Great Clips Salon on Cartwright Road. I’ve never been to Great Clips before — and the concept of a $7.99 haircut is moderately frightening — but I’m positive they can’t be any worse than the Asian stylist who made me look like Moe in drag a couple of months ago. For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Great Clips Salon; and C) the world-famous Mesquite Championship Rodeo, which has nothing to do with this story in any way whatsoever.
In case you’re still stymied about what to buy that special someone for Hanukkah, the Howdygram would like to recommend a bottle of Pizza Hut perfume in your choice of Pepperoni or Super-Supreme. This initially started as a prank on Pizza Hut’s Facebook page but turned into the real thing after enough morons signed up as fans. Apparently the limited-edition scent smells like pizza dough and spices. (As long as it doesn’t smell like our delivery driver, I’d be okay with it.)
For the record, this was actually a limited-edition promotion by Pizza Hut’s marketing team and there are no more bottles available. You might want to go with something from Estee Lauter as a second choice.
Many of you may be aware that an organization of right-wing lunatics here in Texas — still frothing about President Obama’s re-election — want us to secede from the United States. (Stop laughing.) Aside from the fact that secession is both impossible and illegal, about 250,000 whack-jobs have signed up so far on the movement’s official website, which resembles an online ransom note. Sadly, they don’t seem to realize their numbers will never make even a teeny dent in the state’s population of 26 million. In the meantime you might enjoy the following infomercial from YouTube.
Hello from Marcy’s Wonderful World of Laundry. While my favorite sheets are dancing through the final spin cycle I’d like to take a quick Howdygram detour by offering the following observation. Until today I was positive there was no publication on earth more revolting than Bowhunter Magazine, but I was wrong. Cosmopolitan wins.
I don’t know why, but I just started receiving a free two-year subscription to Cosmopolitan Magazine that I’m unable to cancel no matter how hard I try. (Trust me. I’ve tried.) The November issue appears above, featuring countless stories about breasts, orgasms, how to get a sexy ass, times when it’s okay to be skanky, how men really prefer your buns, 25 ways to kiss a naked man, where to buy boots with “baditude” so you can walk all over people, and enough “crazy-hot sex facts” to fill a football stadium. Oh, plus 72 pages of lip gloss ads and pictures of Heidi Klum.
I’m ready to put a gun to my head. This is all such embarrassing horseshit I might have to wrap it in plain paper before I throw it in the garbage.
Speaking of embarrassing horseshit, John Boehner, the GOP’s weeper of the house, is apparently under fire from all sides right now for being a card-carrying jerk.
President Obama is refusing all of Boehner’s counter-offers on the fiscal cliff
negotiations and fellow Republicans in Congress are having a collective
cow that Boehner is booting their favorite right-wingers from key committees. I don’t know about you, but I’m having fun watching the GOP implode. This is almost better than “Hardcore Pawn.”
And now, for a change of pace, I think I’ll eat dinner, take a shower and ponder cleaning up the kitchen so my maid service won’t have a heart attack tomorrow morning. I’ve been kind of sluggish and unmotivated for the last couple of days. Okay, lazy. But I’m primed to make a comeback. I’ll get those counters cleared off even if it kills me.
Guess what we did yesterday. Sam and I both woke up at 5:30 in the morning STARVING so we went to Denny’s for a pre-dawn breakfast adventure, during which Sam ordered a nice little omelet and I had a hamburger. This was almost like being back in college except for the cane propped up against my chair and the fact that we asked for our senior citizen discount.
About 12 hours later we drove into Dallas to gawk at Christmas lights in the Highland Park neighborhood but I think we were a couple of weeks too early because all the houses still looked like Scrooge lived there. So we wound up at Eatzi’s — we love Eatzi’s! — to load up on wonderful Sunday night noshy crap, which included: 1) hummus; 2) Greek olives; 3) a container of unidentifiable yet colorful dip; 4) cole slaw; 5) two kinds of house-made salami; 6) a slab of havarti cheese with dill; 7) a twice-baked potato large enough to be mistaken for sports equipment; and 8) a loaf of rye bread. Items 7 and 8 are Sam’s private property because I’m diabetic and can’t eat 2,500 carbs any more just for fun. (But at least I get to watch.)
The fun here never ends. A few days ago I mentioned my three deadbeat Ovation Creative clients whose credit cards were declined last week for a routine monthly web hosting payment. I emailed first notices and second notices to all of them. One finally responded on Sunday afternoon with a tale about somebody stealing his Visa and using it to shop at Bloomingdales, and then sent a second email five minutes later with a new credit card number ... and that one was declined, too! If this stupid dude wasn’t in South Carolina I’d kick him in the pants. Instead I’ll just add a $2.50 service fee to his monthly hosting payment and continue threatening his life long-distance.
The other two clients are ignoring me. They’ll be sorry.
You know what? I’ve been gypped. I’m searching online for Hanukkah background photos today so I can make holiday cards and almost all of them include pictures of JELLY DOUGHNUTS. Jelly doughnuts? Did you ever get jelly doughnuts on Hanukkah? What the hell? Not once in my entire life did anybody ever give me jelly doughnuts for Hanukkah, and NOW IT’S TOO DAMN LATE BECAUSE I HAVE DIABETES. This sucks and I thought you should know. Thank you.
It’s nearly 7 p.m., and before I run out of time and motivation I think I’d better get busy with all the important projects I’ve been postponing today. Making the bed is included on this list. (Stop laughing. Better late than never, right?)
It’s early Sunday morning here in Howdygramland. The house is quiet, Sam is asleep and I’ve got TicTacs and a nice Marcytini to keep me company. It just doesn’t get much better than this. (Okay, sometimes it does.)
From our What the Hell Were They Thinking department comes my review of a little-known film called The Iron Petticoat (1956), an unfortunate, British-made cold war comedy that might be the worst movie ever produced. It’s a Ninotchka wannabe starring — brace yourself — BOB HOPE and KATHARINE HEPBURN. Seriously. Hepburn is a humorless Russian air force defector named Captain Vinka Kovelenko who wears medals to bed, brushes her teeth with a rag and has an accent so hideous you’ll be tempted to stab yourself in the head with an ice pick. Hope plays ladies’ man Major Chuck Lockwood and manages to throw in every sarcastic comedy gag from the Bing Crosby “Road” pictures. Apparently both stars realized the movie stunk before it was even finished and Bob Hope pulled it from public access for more than 40 years. (Too bad it didn’t stay there.)
After we watched the aforementioned Hope-Hepburn suckfest Sam made me promise to choose a quality movie, so we opted for Ben-Hur (1959) and loved every sweaty, inspirational minute of it.
My favorite scene is when Judah comes back from Rome in that gorgeous “young Arrius” outfit and pops in with a dozen sweet rolls to surprise his old friend Messala. (I might be kidding about the sweet rolls.) I’m also really fond of the Valley of the Lepers and don’t understand why everybody got so upset about moving there. I thought it looked nice.
In case you’ve been wondering about our weather in north Texas at this time of year, it was a balmy 80° on Saturday with more of the same forecast for today and Monday. Not bad for the first week of December! On the downside, however, we haven’t had any measurable rain around here for MONTHS. According to an article I read online last night, 94% of the state is abnormally dry, 55% is in severe drought, 25% is in extreme drought, our water storage reservoirs are only 64% full, 75% of our ranch cattle have been moved out of state and 45% of our winter wheat crop is considered “very poor.” In short, this is very, very lousy. AND IT’S ALL RICK PERRY’S FAULT.
I ordered something new and exciting the other day from Netrition.com. This time it’s a line of low-carb sugar-free crapola from a company in New Zealand called Jok-n-Al. They make apricot sauce (a sweet & sour knockoff), sweet & hot chili sauce, cocktail sauce, plum sauce, cranberry sauce, tomato onion relish and an entire line of fruit spreads. I ordered the apricot sauce and chili sauce. This is hugely exciting on a number of different levels, but mostly because nobody else makes anything remotely like them, I’ve never eaten food from New Zealand and I miss sweet & sour sauce desperately. Please stay tuned for a full report.
I’d better get myself to bed now. Thank you for reading this.
I’m Marcy, the shorter half of Sam and Marcy, a pair of happily-married former Californians living it up in the Lone Star State. The Howdygram is my personal forum for a delightful variety of unrelated yet fascinating topics, such as why I hate diabetes, idiots in the news, progressive politics, old movies, online shopping conquests, food, retirement, life in Texas and other entertaining crap.
Cash and comments are welcome at all times. Thank you for reading this.
