I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fly anywhere again unless somebody invents a sectional sofa with wings.

Sam got home from work this morning at 5 a.m. I always have trouble sleeping well when he’s gone all night like that and keep opening my eyes to look at the clock on the nightstand. And what’s worse, Sam left here yesterday at 1:15 in the afternoon … that’s a 14½-hour work day! I’d like to beat the crap out of somebody but I can’t figure out who.

And so here we sit, Sam and me, both of us barely conscious from insufficient sleep, thinking whether we should eat lunch (it’s 11:30) or try taking a nap. I vote for the nap, to tell you the truth. Naps are GOOD. I’ll finish posting afterwards. Please stand by.

Believe it or not, there was a five-hour lapse after composing the second paragraph of this post. I just woke up. Shortly after noon I slipped into an immediate post-food coma on the chaise in the family room and don’t even remember Sam leaving for work. It’s presently 4:35 p.m. That’s one hell of a nap even for ME ... and I’m a charter member of the Olympic napping squad!

To clear the cobwebs from my head I just placed a lovely order with Netrition.com, which includes all of the following:

• Jok-n-Al fruit spreads (plum, blueberry and pineapple)
• An exceptionally large quantity of CarbQuik (i.e., two three-pound boxes)
• Sea Tangle Kelp Noodles
• Beanit Butter
• Walden Farms coleslaw dressing
• Walden Farms Asian dressing
• Walden Farms strawberry syrup
• Soy Slender chocolate soy milk
• SweetLeaf Liquid Stevia in two flavors (chocolate raspberry and apricot nectar)

In case you’re wondering, I order practically all of my grocery products — with certain exceptions, obviously, such as frozen crap, fresh vegetables, Loma Linda fake meat in a can and cream cheese — online from Netrition because I don’t have the stamina, balance or motivation to shlep through supermarkets any more and therefore have no idea if any of these products are available locally. I also don’t like to annoy Sam with complex grocery lists or trips to multiple markets. First-time products in this Netrition order include the zero-carb kelp noodles, Walden Farms no-calorie strawberry syrup (reviewers say it’s swell in a smoothie) and Walden Farms no-calorie Asian dressing. The latter will douse the aforementioned zero-carb kelp noodles and be consumed cold like a salad with a few nice shrimp and a fork. Oh boy! And I mean this most sincerely.

For the last half-hour I’ve been receiving emails from my cousin Bobby with photos of his oldest son’s wedding in California earlier this month. Here, for your possible interest, is a group shot of my favorite cousins posing together at Gideon and Kimi’s big event and looking mighty damn wonderful. I haven’t seen them in an awfully long time. And yes, obviously, we’re all senior citizens now. Oy.

And here are the bride and groom. After seeing these pictures I’m really sorry that Sam and I couldn’t make it to their wedding. Frankly it’s tough to accept that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fly anywhere again unless somebody invents a sectional sofa with wings.

There’s still time to tune in for tonight’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn” on TruTV, which the Howdygram heartily recommends for your viewing pleasure. This is one of our favorite reality shows because there’s nothing quite as entertaining as ghetto maniacs being dragged out of a pawn shop by 350-pound bouncers. Thank you for reading this.