Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Wednesday’s highlights include commotion, fake meat in a can and Nazi tea kettles.

There’s been a lot of commotion at Howdygram headquarters today, and I don’t like commotion. Frankly, I think I’m ALLERGIC to it. At the moment I feel agitated, crabby, annoyed and desperately in need of an afternoon nap, which won’t happen any time soon for the following reasons:
  • Our handyman is still out back installing those solar screens which, after two full days, is obviously becoming his life’s work.
  • The Schwan’s delivery doofus showed up to present us with another load of assorted frozen crapola, including the biggest frozen summer sausage I’ve ever seen. I have no doubt it could kill a person.
  • Our landscapers were here to mow, whack, edge and trim all the green things that surround our home.
  • The mailman pounded on the front door to drop off two packages from Amazon.
  • The phone hasn’t stopped ringing. So far I’ve heard from Sam’s ophthalmologist and my podiatrist, do I want to donate old clothes to the National Kidney Foundation, can I spare 10 minutes to take a poll about my views on immigration, and glorioski ... we’ve just won a FREE ESTIMATE from Metroplex Insulated Windows!
  • I’m running the dishwasher.
To cheer myself up I’ve decided to share the following videos. The first one is a comedy sketch about how to respond to a moron who doesn’t think he’s racist and the second one is just really cute, period.

Show of hands. Has anybody seen the story in the news today about J.C. Penney’s latest headache? Evidently they’re advertising a tea kettle that looks like Adolf Hitler with a stiff-arm salute. A freeway billboard in Los Angeles is creating a huge hoo-hah and Penney’s is getting lots of crap for it, starting with a snide tweet this morning from (of all people) Mia Farrow about why would anybody sell a Nazi kitchen appliance. Seriously, don’t these Einsteins have anything better to do?
It looks like we’ve got some major storms on the way. Our local forecast on just changed to RED TYPE — twisters! Auntie Em! — with an 85% chance of severe thunderstorms and heavy rainfall starting by 7 p.m. (Oh swell. More commotion.) In the meantime I think I’ll fix myself an early dinner and watch a few “Hardcore Pawn” reruns. Tonight’s menu options are: 1) pickles & biscuits; 2) gefilte fish with no horseradish because I ran out; 3) egg salad; 4) a BLT minus the “L”; and 5) Loma Linda fake meat in a can poured over low-carb white bread with Chia Seed Pudding for dessert.
If you’d like to cast your vote for one of my five dinner options please send an email immediately because I’m awfully damn hungry right now. Thank you.

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