Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I’ve just discovered my new favorite cheap canned meat: Armour Vienna Sausages.

In this post: Recalls, a Wal-Mart addiction, Vienna sausages.

I’ve been receiving frantic emails today from the Amazon Product Safety Team with news that Abbott has recalled a bunch of their popular FreeStyle Lite glucose test strips due to lousy results when used with older-model FreeStyle blood glucose meters. So far I’ve received six emails (one for each purchase, I guess) except none of this actually applies to me because I don’t have an older-model meter. Also because I used up those test strips at least nine months ago.

Here’s a breaking news story from our Holy Crap, Get A Life department! Loyal Wal-Mart customer and Arizona resident Joe Cantrell has been banned from every Wal-Mart store in the universe for making employees crazy with the company’s price-match guarantee.

It seems that Cantrell was in the checkout lane with newspaper circulars trying to get the cashier to okay price-matching on a cart full of Christmas ornaments — easily the most aggravating behavior on earth, especially if you’re standing behind a clown like this — when he wound up in handcuffs and slapped with a restraining order to STAY AWAY FROM WAL-MART FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. Cantrell, an unemployed former pro wrestler who’s now on disability, is devastated because he loves Wal-Mart and has been shopping at his local store twice a day for as long as he can remember. Deputies escorted him from the store in tears.

“Twice a day” are the key words here, people. Who the hell shops at Wal-Mart TWICE A DAY? And what the hell is he BUYING? I mean, how much crap does this dude really need, especially if he’s unemployed? Is shopping at Wal-Mart his TOTAL LIFE? Is he MARRIED? Is he on DRUGS? Are his friends planning an INTERVENTION? Does he need STATE-FUNDED MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES? Can you be legitimately disabled and still stand in line at Wal-Mart twice a day? Do you think there’s a case here for DISABILITY FRAUD?

All of a sudden I have no idea where this outburst is headed. I think I need a can of Vienna sausages — and an excellent segue — to help calm me down.
Yes, everybody, I’ve just discovered my new favorite cheap canned meat: ARMOUR VIENNA SAUSAGES. At my request Sam brought home a couple of cans this morning from Wal-Mart, and imagine my shock and delight ... these tasty little whatnots are perfect right out of the can and — according to Armour’s website — come in ALL KINDS OF FANTASTIC GOURMET FLAVORS, such as Original, Hot & Spicy, Smoked, Jalapeño, Chicken, Chipotle, Buffalo, Maple Syrup and Barbecue! Even better, they’re only 53¢ a can (that’s 50% less than Amazon) so I can eat them CONSTANTLY. Next time Sam goes to Wal-Mart I’ll ask him to survey all the available flavors. I definitely want to try Hot & Spicy, Jalapeño, Barbecue and maybe Buffalo. Please post a comment if you have any experience with Armour Vienna Sausages and thank you in advance for your contribution to the Howdygram’s dining scene.

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