A story of fear and self-loathing in Texas. Also pumpernickel.

In this post: Nice weather, GOP bullshittery.

Hi, people. It’s a a lovely, sunny, 80° Tuesday afternoon in north Texas, just the kind of adorable weather we wish we’d have all year round instead of triple-digit heat from June through September when you can’t touch your car door handles, think about going out to lunch or even enjoy your own patio with shorts, lemonade and a Fred Astaire biography. Please let me know if this makes any sense to you because I’m awfully confused right now.

Bet you can’t guess what I’ve got for you today. Yup, ANOTHER PUTZ OF THE WEEK! We begin with Faith and Freedom Coalition founder Ralph Reed, a right-wing misogynist (actually, aren’t these basically the same thing?) who thinks the national debt is tied to “morality,” such as human trafficking, legal gambling and divorce. Yes, divorce.

Although Reed was unable to explain the connection between his three morality examples in a recent interview on MSNBC, he did postulate that it’s too easy for women with children to get divorced from their husbands, so by making it more difficult we’d save the government money by not having to give them any food stamps when their husbands don’t pay child support.

That’s some of the worst right-wing bullshittery I’ve ever read.

Ralph Reed clearly hates women. We’re not people, we’re property designed to serve as homemakers and incubators. And if we’re stuck in an abusive marriage there’s no way he’ll let us get a divorce, because food stamps cost money and men might have to pay CHILD SUPPORT. In other words, because men act like jackasses, let’s punish the women instead.

Meet your new, re-branded Republican party, everybody. It’s exactly the same as the old Republican party, only shittier!

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As a bonus I’m also throwing in a Putz Junior today at no extra charge! She’s Beth Cubriel, executive director of the Texas Republican Party, who thinks women should stop relying on laws like the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act because it’s a bad idea “to clog up the courts with litigation.”

Last weekend, Cari Christman, who leads the GOP political action committee RedState Women, told WFAA in Dallas that equal pay laws were not “practical” because women were “extremely busy.” So on Monday, YNN’s Capital Tonight asked Cubriel to explain why the Republican Party is opposed to equal pay laws. Her solution? Women should learn to negotiate AND BECOME MORE LIKE MEN. Cue Henry Higgins, stage right.

Holy mother of crap. What a sad display of self-loathing! Given the low rate of collective bargaining in Texas and the state’s hostility towards unions, I don’t see how women (or anybody else, really) have the leverage to negotiate ANYTHING. Taken to an absurd degree, Cubriel would repeal the 13th Amendment and make slaves negotiate for freedom. And equal pay for women? It’s a nice idea but Cubriel doesn’t think it should be enforceable.

With friends like Beth Cubriel and Cari Christman, we don’t need enemies.

Incidentally, in case you’re not familiar with 1964’s My Fair Lady, here’s a video clip of Rex Harrison as Henry Higgins singing “Why Can’t a Woman Be More Like a Man.” (This is one of my favorite musicals. Pass the popcorn.)

UPS just delivered a monstrously huge order from Netrition.com in two heavy cartons — one of them is loaded with CHOCOLATE and LOW-CARB PUMPERNICKEL — that I can’t bring inside until Sam gets home from work tonight. No, I’m not a slug. I’m a senior citizen with very crappy mobility, and it’s impossible to lift things when you’ve got crippled hands from neuropathy and use a cane for balance.

In the meantime I guess I’ll have to fall back on a few cans of Vienna sausages for dinner and call it a day. Thank you for reading this.