Monday, February 3, 2014

I’m turning into my father, rest his soul.

In this post: A Vienna sausage retrospective, remembering Mr. Cub.

Considering that Monday started off crappy around here (see previous post) I’ve got some damn good news to share with you. I just got an email from Dollar Tree that my Armour Vienna sausages are ready for pickup! On January 29 I ordered a case of 48 cans online — a steal at only $24 — and when you choose delivery to your local store SHIPPING IS FREE. So tomorrow Sam gets to drive over to Dollar Tree and bring home a trunkload of TEENY CANS OF VIENNA SAUSAGE IN MYSTERY LIQUID! The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the Dollar Tree retail store on Town East Boulevard; C) our closest Lowe’s supercenter, where Sam buys light bulbs, hose nozzles and hammers; and D) my favorite Long John Silver’s. I love their cole slaw.
In case you’re uninitiated there are many, many things a person can do with Vienna sausages, which are basically just teeny cut-up hot dogs as illustrated below.
Because I have a sense of humor I frequently eat my Vienna sausages right out of the can as a TV snack with a little wad of Beaver Brand deli mustard. You can also: 1) float them in a puddle of low-carb chili (I buy Homestyle Fresh from Netrition); 2) broil them in a nice foil pan; 3) wrap them in low-carb biscuit dough to make mentally ill hors d’oeuvres; or 4) roll them up in low-carb white bread and pretend it’s 1969, you’re at Wrigley Field, Ernie Banks is at bat and the Chicago Cubs are in first place. For the record, at Wrigley Field in 1969 you’d get a really good box seat ticket behind the Cubs dugout for four bucks and a hot dog for 50¢, and if you showed up early you could watch batting practice before the game and get everybody’s autograph.
I just realized I’m turning into my father, rest his soul. As dad got older damn near EVERYTHING used to make him cry, and this picture of Mr. Cub just turned me into a total slobbering mess. Welcome to the golden years, people.

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