Please feel free to drop in if you’re hungry because I’ve got a lot of fantastic snacky crap.

In this post: Shipping nightmares, snack attacks. 

UPS and FedEx are a total disaster right now in the Dallas metropolitan area. Deliveries are late, rescheduled, misdirected and then vaporize. Yesterday FedEx didn’t deliver the office chair I’d been waiting for (on back order) since September so I checked online around midnight to see if they rescheduled it. I find out the package had been “delivered to front door” at 11:45 p.m. so I open the front door and guess what: NO DAMN PACKAGE. It’s past midnight when I finally reach somebody at FedEx to rip them a new one, and the customer service agent puts me on hold and sends a text message directly to the delivery driver. Two hours later I hear a truck engine idling outside and my carton mysteriously shows up at the front door ... at 2 o’clock in the morning. Holy crap.

And UPS is even worse, if that’s possible! I’ve been waiting for an emergency DVD delivery from Amazon — The Marriage-Go-Round (1961) starring James Mason and Susan Hayward — that should have been delivered four days ago. The package has been sitting at the UPS distribution center here in Mesquite since the 16th but gets rescheduled every 24 hours because they’re so backed up. Tonight UPS’s online tracking information shows a delivery date of December 23, but I’m pretty sure I’ll never live to see this DVD.

WHAT A BUNCH OF POO-POO-HEADS.

For the record, there’s really no such thing as an “emergency DVD.” I’m just being a garden variety pain in the ass.

In other news, I’m having serious food cravings tonight and plan to consume a large quantity of mentally ill snacks within the next 60 minutes. My options include: 1) a can of Hormel tamales; 2) lots of teeny Vienna sausages with hot mustard; 3) jalapeño hummus and low-carb white bread because I don’t have pita; and 4) braunschweiger on toast with sugar-free sweet pickles. Please feel free to drop in if you’re hungry because I’ve got a lot of fantastic snacky crap. Especially Vienna sausages.

Thank you for reading this.