A whole new way to meet the neighbors.

About an hour ago I was conked out in the family room watching The Story of Alexander Graham Bell — starring Don Ameche, Loretta Young, Spring Byington and Charles Coburn — when I was rudely awakened by the sound of someone pounding on the front door. Turns out it was Clark from across the street, who introduced himself and told me he was mowing his front lawn when he saw a blue compact four-door Ford back into our brick mailbox and knock it over. KA-BLAM, the poor thing is laying on the grass like a gigantic concrete cadaver. Clark said whoever was driving the Ford had been visiting one of the college-age daughters who lives next door to us on the north, so I called and left a message for the homeowner.

Stay tuned for further developments. We may need to hire Nick and Nora Charles to get to the bottom of this.

There’s really not much else to report from Howdygramland tonight. I went for a drive this afternoon and talked myself into stopping at a Braum’s ice cream shop for a scoop of sugar-free vanilla. After sitting in line at the drive-through for 15 minutes I got all the way to the cashier’s window when they told me they just ran out. Feeling thoroughly despondent — how the hell could they run out of sugar-free vanilla! — I drove home and ordered Mongolian Chicken for dinner. Mongolian Chicken is the perfect substitute for just about ANYTHING, sex included. (Don’t tell Sam.)

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.