I don’t mind eating cake with a soup spoon.

In this post: Edible baking disasters, Emmys, Real Housewives.

Now that I’ve successfully dodged the FBI (see previous post) it’s time to get y’all up-to-date with the rest of my Sunday activities, all conveniently listed for you below.

The road to redemption.

In this post: Irrational panic at Howdygram headquarters.

It’s 10:45 Sunday morning and I am compelled to report that I had a wild yet strangely crappy night. It began around 2 a.m. when I wound up with a freaky, spammy web page on my Mac bearing the FBI’s logo and announcing “we have seized your browser and your browsing history” — seriously, I couldn’t close the window or quit Firefox! — with “enough proof to convict” that I’d been dowloading music illegally and/or accessing child porn.

Our new Name the Celebrity contest starts today!

In this post: Sam in Seattle, favorite musicals, “Moses Supposes,” a mystery celebrity.

I’m having an unexpected solitary weekend. Sam traveled to Seattle this afternoon for a sad, last-minute trip to visit his older sister Marian, who’s hospitalized and seriously ill. On Thursday she asked all of her siblings to come as soon as possible so they can be together this weekend, at which time Sam wedged himself into seat 5D on U.S. Airways flight 652 and flew to the Pacific Northwest with an umbrella, two sweatshirts and a couple of granola bars.

Lots of rain and a new shade of red.

In this post: A Howdygram face lift, glorious rain.

Before I get sidetracked, has anybody noticed that the Howdygram is sporting a “new look” these days? This is really HUGE CRAPOLA, people! I changed the banner logo to antique wood, all the sidebar titles are a different shade of red, and starting with this post I’ll be trying out a new font for my photo captions. For instance:

Chocolate marshmallow pumpkins!

In this post: A mail-order food orgy, fashions from hell, understanding the Second Amendment.

It’s another peculiar day at Howdygram headquarters. After being awake most of the night with electric shocks in my hands and feet (damn neuropathy) I succumbed to a luxurious two-hour nap commencing at noon followed by a late lunch that featured braunschweiger on low-carb toast and half a glass of sugar-free vanilla soy milk with an ice cube in it. So far so good, right?

Hearing voices.

In this post: The slobs next door.

Holy crap. I’m hearing voices. About an hour ago I’m sitting here at my desk in the study and I hear a couple of men talking. At first I can’t figure out where the sounds are coming from ... did I leave the TV on? Are there two really stupid burglars in the garage? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE? And then I realize the voices are right outside my window and a there’s a realtor dude showing the house next door because our neighbor is in foreclosure (oy) and they’ll be moving out any day now.

There’s never a shortage of stupid here in the great state of Texas.

In this post: Tasty frozen food, meet Louie Gohmert, it’s Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Good morning, people. I’ve been up since 5:15 for no important reason whatsoever, not counting the fact that my feet were annoying me (diabetic peripheral neuropathy), both knees hurt and I just didn’t want to sleep any more. Lucky you … here I am, typing through the pain. (Cue the violins.)

So what’s on today’s agenda around here? Many, many fun things! Our Schwan’s delivery doofus will be here at 11 to drop off a load of tasty frozen whatnots, Pest Management is coming at 3:30 to make sure that Howdygram headquarters remains perpetually sterile and free of all creepy things inside and out, and I’ve got a bulging basket of socks to fold. And I think I’m feeling spunky enough right now to surprise Sam and fold them before he wakes up! Sam loves surprises!

Part with some dough to fight the idiots.

In this post: Stop the Tea Party.

It’s Tuesday, September 17. Since 8:45 this morning I’ve received no less than 13 fundraising requests from the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, Organizing for Action (President Obama’s fundraising group), Annie’s List, Emily’s List and the Texas Democratic Party. While I think it would be swell to have a mountain of unlimited cash for every worthy progressive cause, today I chose to contribute to the DCCC and the OFA. For the moment, however, the more important of the two is the OFA because they’re battling Speaker of the House John Boehner (a frequent and worthy Howdygram Putz of the Week award winner) for choosing to side with the Republican Tea Party in its never-ending smear campaign to destroy Obamacare.

Miscellaneous baloney, a movie review and another font meltdown.

In this post: Fighting font corruption, appreciating “Brazil,” Rooster’s Roadhouse.

Oy, people, what a day. Howdygram headquarters had another major FONT MELTDOWN this morning! I was seeing way too many “out of memory” warning messages on my Mac last night even during the simplest procedures, and since this was basically the same horseshit as last time (see post) I got up at the crack of dawn to figure out what I had to do. You know, like 4:15 in the morning. It took FIVE HOURS to validate and delete 974 corrupt and semi-corrupt fonts — merely a fraction of my current font library, in case you’re interested — and by the time I finished my Mac was back to normal and I was ready for an asylum.

FYI, I finally concluded what started all this baloney ... and it actually had nothing whatsoever to do with fonts! The culprit was a large and apparently-damaged graphic file I’d transferred from Adobe Illustrator to InDesign, at which time InDesign froze solid and Photoshop crashed. My Macintosh technical guru told me months ago always to check my font library after issues like this, and sure enough ... there were scary little warning icons all over the place instructing me to begin deleting IMMEDIATELY or face eternal damnation.

Glucose tablets. I need glucose tablets!

In this post: Desperately Seeking Szechuan, the fashions of Thom Browne.

Howdy, foodies! In case you’re curious, last night’s dessert got derailed temporarily. I didn’t have a chance to bake that low-carb cake with the mountain of white fluffy frosting (see previous post) because first I had to: 1) make biscuits and chicken salad for dinner; 2) eat biscuits and chicken salad for dinner; 3) clean up the kitchen; 4) take a nice hot shower; and 5) complete all previous items within a specific time frame in order to participate in a Marks family conference call at 9 to talk about Sam’s mom considering a move to assisted living. (Looks like she’s definitely going to do it. Smart decision!)

Retirement, healthy toes and low-carb chocolate cake.

In this post: A retirement milestone, podiatry, assorted nonsense.

Holy mackerel, everybody … I JUST HIT A WHOLE NEW MILESTONE! About half an hour ago I unpublished my Ovation Creative website and launched a simple splash page in its place, announcing to the entire world that I’m no longer accepting new clients or any major projects and everybody should just GO AWAY and LEAVE ME ALONE. (Okay, maybe not exactly that, but you get my drift.) This brings me even closer to complete retirement, marking the first time in more than 25 years that I haven’t operated a business venture of one kind or another. It actually feels good to just STOP, finally. My goal for the next 25 years includes a daily afternoon nap, frightening quantities of Chinese food and fun with Sam ... but not necessarily in that order.

Mazel tov. I just won my own Einstein Award.

In this post: Creatures in the night, a shopping spree, models on the runway.

Here’s a new twist, people. I get up at 5:15 this morning for a routine bathroom junket but don’t quite realize I’m in the middle of a low blood sugar episode when I squint down the hall in the dark (well, except for a night-light) and think I see a muskrat hiding under the area rug outside the laundry room door. (Actually, I’m guessing it’s either a muskrat or a very young hyena.) In a panic I manage to wake Sam and convince him to go on safari with me, but by the time we get halfway there I figure out that the rug is a bunched up and casting a lumpy shadow on the wall, so the whole stupid hoo-hah is just a pathetic hypoglycemic hallucination. Oy, right? Looks like I officially win my own Howdygram Einstein Award!

Don’t worry ... I’m safe and sound here at Howdygram headquarters.

In this post: Kvetch report, arming the blind in Iowa.

Can we talk?

First of all, call off the detectives. I know it’s been four days since my last post but I’m safe and sound here at Howdygram headquarters, eating pickles and raising hell. Well, sort of. I’ve had a few health issues again — actually, still — and they’re all related to diabetic autonomic neuropathy. After several days feeling like crap I finally sent an email to Dr. M yesterday afternoon to let her know what’s going on, and I’ll probably hear back from her shortly.

My left hand is cramped up like a claw and I refuse to fold the sheets in the dryer.

In this post: Kvetch report, a twerking Einstein, another Putz of the Week.

I’m having one of those days. You know, with a growing list of irritating crap that I can’t do anything about. So far I’m dealing with my typical diabetic autonomic neuropathy issues — lousy bladder control, I can’t taste my food, I’m lightheaded every time I stand up and low body temperature — in addition to way too much sneezing, my right eye is dripping, my head hurts, my left hand is cramped up like a claw and I refuse to fold the sheets in the dryer.

Please take a guess what’s for lunch today. (No, really. Guess.)

In this post: Tasty meat in a can, exploding electronics, “The Late George Apley.”

There’s so much amazing news this morning I almost don’t know where to start.

AMAZING NEWS ITEM NUMBER ONE: Last night FedEx delivered my Libby’s corned beef in a can from Wal-Mart except it arrived too late for dinner. Therefore, please take a guess what’s for lunch today. (No, really. Guess.)

Once again we’re honoring the Lone Star State’s resident putz-in-chief, Governor Rick Perry.

In this post: Rick Perry does it again, dog stories.

I almost didn’t have a chance to write a Howdygram post tonight until Sam called from the office a few minutes ago to let me know he’ll be a couple of hours late getting home from work, probably sometime after midnight. Therefore, here I am. Lucky you!

First on my agenda is our latest Putz of the Week award, once again honoring the Lone Star State’s resident putz-in-chief, Governor Rick Perry, for encouraging the Texas National Guard to refuse to process requests from same-sex couples for spousal benefits despite the Pentagon’s explicit directive to do so. Texas was the only state that turned away gay and lesbian couples on Tuesday, the first working day that gays in the military were eligible to apply for benefits. Texas, again. What a shock.

I love canned crap.

It’s just past 7 p.m. and time once again for the ultimate senior citizen condundrum: I can’t decide what the hell to make for dinner tonight. Therefore I think I’ll go gourmet with a sack of zero-carb pork rinds and some nice onion dip. If I’m still hungry afterwards I’ll probably open a can of whatever. I love canned crap.

Never in a million years will you ever guess where Sam wanted to shop this morning. Give up? The 99¢ Store! And he went VOLUNTARILY! Because I haven’t been able to visit fun stores like this for years due to a variety of mobility issues like lousy feet, lousy knees and getting dizzy a lot, I told Sam to call me from inside to describe their current collection of crap. And he did, eventually coming home with two bags of the aforementioned zero-carb pork rinds and a tube of braunschweiger. Holy crap, people! BRAUNSCHWEIGER! Sam said they also had a lot of great deals on toothpaste, shampoo, deodorant and umbrellas except we didn’t need any today. Especially umbrellas, as it hasn’t rained in Texas since October 2011. (This might be an exaggeration, but not by much.)

Since Rosh Hashanah begins tomorrow at sundown I’d like to take this opportunity to wish my Jewish readers a sweet and happy new year. Happy 5774!

I’ve got another Putz of the Week award to share with y’all but it’ll have to wait for my next Howdygram post because I need to eat dinner now. Thank you for reading this.

Being a senior citizen has a few clear advantages.

Happy day after Labor Day. I hope yours was swell.

I’ve been having some insomnia issues again. Mostly the problem is pain in my hands and feet (from peripheral neuropathy) and I just can’t get comfortable when I lie down in bed at night. So I get up and hang out in the study for a while eating TicTacs — like I’m doing right now — until the crappy spasms and electric shocks die down. I manage to catch up on my sleep during the day, thank God, and usually wind up unconscious in the family room for three or four hours watching William Powell movies. Welcome to my world.

Know what? I’ve decided that being a senior citizen has a few clear advantages aside from handicapped parking and a breakfast discount at Denny’s. For instance, yesterday afternoon during a moment of reflection I reached a new plateau of self-awareness: I’M LOW MAINTENANCE AND EASY TO PLEASE. I don’t need fancy or expensive shit to be happy. I don’t need a LOT of shit, either. I just need my favorite shit: FOOD and a COUCH. (Stop laughing.)

Before I forget, I’ve got a couple of terrific new pictures of Cooper to share with you tonight. Cooper is my niece Allison’s little boy. Look at the sweet face on this munchkin!

This might be a little unorthodox, but what the hell. I’d like to present a Howdygram Brainstorm Award to myself for dreaming up a brilliant new health care product ... a customizable digital thermometer called “iTemp” with downloadable amplified ring tones! This would especially helpful for old people like yours truly who take their temperature a lot but never hear the stupid beep. Sam is usually two rooms away yelling “YOUR THERMOMETER IS BEEPING!” when I can’t hear the damn thing less than four inches from my own ears. For starters I believe we should offer a variety of recognizable everyday noises — such as a fog horn, the chimes from Westminster Abbey, a barking golden retriever and a city bus — plus the complete Beatles catalog, some Peter, Paul & Mary, Bachman Turner Overdrive, everything by the Beach Boys and Jan & Dean singing “Dead Man’s Curve.” Please send an email if you think this is a good idea and approximately how much money you’d be willing to invest. Thank you.

And now, a favorite Herman cartoon for your possible interest. (I’ll be sharing three of them this week.)

This might be a fine time to shlep myself back to bed. It’s already after 3 a.m. and I’m not getting any younger.

Shaquille O’Neal soda has his face on every can.

It was 106° in Mesquite today, people. Holy crap … OUR HOTTEST DAY OF THE YEAR SO FAR. The good thing is, tomorrow is September, the days are getting shorter and temperatures should be trending lower over the next few weeks with occasional blasts of Arctic air plummeting us into the upper 90s. To tell you the truth, if it had been hot like this back in May or early June I’d be mighty depressed about another unbearably hot summer like last year and the year before. (And the year before that, too.)

Sam and I went to Hong Kong Royal in Carrollton today for dim sum, and I have to admit … they actually had some damn wonderful LOW-CARB DUMPLING OPTIONS made with tofu instead of noodles! Two hours after lunch my blood sugar was only 111, which was excellent.

Show of hands. Do any of you know that Shaquille O’Neal has his own line of soft drinks? With his face on every can?

Despite the fact that Shaq’s signature beverages were originally supposed to be DIET drinks, one 23.5-oz. can contains 72 grams of sugar — equal to 17 teaspoons — which has pissed off a number of health-conscious consumer groups. The Center for Science in the Public Interest issued a press release pointing out Shaq’s previous history of diabetes activism and called his endorsement of a high-sugar soft drink “shameful hypocrisy, presumably motivated by money.” Shaq? Motivated by money? STFU.

Thank you for reading this.

Happy Braunschweiger Day!

Ah, Labor Day weekend ... at last. A chance to hang out with Sam, enjoy an unnatural number of naps and go places to eat things. Don’t you just love holidays?

For those of you who might possibly give a crap, my latest Internet shopping acquisitions include 100 very cheap FreeStyle Lite diabetes test strips from eBay, three little cans of Libby’s corned beef from the bowels of Wal-Mart and last but not least, a DVD of Noah’s Ark (1999) starring John Voight and Mary Steenburgen, which is certifiably the worst film in the history of EVER, and that definitely covers a lot of territory. Of course, the movie’s overall shittiness also makes it unintentionally hilarious, such as the ark being attacked by pirates riding water bicycles, one of Noah’s sons conversing with an orange for the better part of an hour and the voice of God sounding remarkably like George Burns doing stand-up in the Catskills. You can buy this little-seen gem on Amazon CHEAP. (I got mine for $3.67 and it’s worth every penny.)

Mark your calendar. Today was BRAUNSCHWEIGER DAY at Howdygram headquarters! Sam bought me a large slab of the aforementioned tasty mystery meat at the supermarket this morning, which immediately triggered a braunschweiger feast for lunch — on low-carb toast with mayo and sugar-free sweet relish — and a repeat performance tonight for dinner.

Dinner was accompanied by a mug of instant low-carb cream of mushroom soup, a new product that arrived a few days ago from Netrition.com. This turned out to be one of those unfortunate investments — ten bucks for eight single-serving packets — since the overall flavor profile resembled salty vomit with teeny rock-hard shards of floating fungus. But hey, if anybody wants to purchase the remaining seven packets at our LABOR DAY CLEARANCE PRICE, please let me know as soon as possible. Thank you very much.

I’m not on Wal-Mart’s payroll. They couldn’t afford me.

Breaking news: I lost another client today. Victoria called at 3:30 and asked me to take down her website because she’s closing her business, of which I approve wholeheartedly because I’m trying to do the exact same thing with mine. It’s actually satisfying to know I’m not the only one who’s fed up with all the day-to-day crapola. I am, in almost every regard, retired now, evidenced by the fact that my Social Security checks will begin arriving on December 11. THIS IS A VERY HUGE DEAL. Let’s all go out for lunch!

Hey. Anybody need some really nice, really inexpensive bedding? The Howdygram would like to recommend Wal-Mart’s microfiber sheets! We put a new set of ivory on our bed yesterday and we sincerely love them.

The average price for a complete king-size set is about $21.97 ... less than you’d usually spend for a pair of PILLOWCASES! Keep in mind that microfiber sheets are lightweight and thin but they’re also amazingly soft and comfortable, and Sam says they weren’t as cold as our others when he got into bed last night. Personally, I think these things are pretty damn fantastic and just ordered another set in bronze. Here are three links to microfiber sheets on Wal-Mart’s website so you can check them out for yourself.

         

Yes, I think you should buy a set. Try leopard. (No, I’m not on Wal-Mart’s payroll. They couldn’t afford me.) These would also be nice for Hanukkah presents if you know any Jewish people sleeping on a bare mattress.

I have nothing exciting to write about tonight. Nothing. I don’t feel like railing at right-wing politicians, I’m sick of Miley Cyrus and I have no new medical crises to report. To tell you the truth, other than the aforementioned sheets and a box of AA batteries I haven’t even spent any interesting dough online! Therefore I think I’ll just open a can of something tasty for dinner, start a loaf of low-carb bread in the bread machine and watch “Project Runway.” Thank you very much.

John Boehner is threatening to destroy Social Security and Medicare. Surprised?

I should be in the family room right now watching The Music Man on TCM but instead I’m here in the study having another nervous breakdown about Congress. Earlier today, people, Speaker of the House John Boehner promised a “whale of a fight” against President Obama by offering him an outrageous choice: Either dismantle Social Security and Medicare or Congress will refuse to raise the debt ceiling, thereby destroying the credit of the United States government. This, dear readers, is horseshit. The Republicans hate President Obama so much they’d sacrifice the security of senior citizens, disabled Americans and veterans. The general consensus is, as long as millionaires can keep their tax breaks, to hell with everybody else. I’m so sick of this crap I want to pound lumps on Congress with my cane. One at a time. And S-L-O-W-L-Y.

Therefore, please click the link below as soon as possible to make a speedy and much-needed contribution to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee in their fight against John Boehner … even if it’s only three measly bucks. Thank you.

In case you’re concerned that it’s almost 8 p.m. and I haven’t eaten dinner yet, tonight’s food agenda will include a can of Kirkland roast beef on top of two low-carb biscuits with a side order of pickles. I briefly considered using the beef juice from the can to make myself a little real gravy, but my blood sugar is starting to drop and I probably won’t have enough time to horse around with that. This is mildly depressing but I’ll get over it.

Here’s what’s on the menu at the 2013 Texas State Fair.

The Texas State Fair kicks off one month from today, which means it’s time once again for the Big Tex Choice Award ... an annual hoo-hah that recognizes the year’s most creative fried food monstrosities. The actual taste-test competition will be held on Labor Day, but the Howdygram is pleased to offer a sneak peek at the Fair’s eight finalists for 2013 in case you can’t wait that long to find out what’s on the menu.

• AWESOME DEEP-FRIED NUTELLA®. Cream cheese and Nutella® are whipped and spread over flaky phyllo dough, rolled and fried. Served with honey and shaved almonds. My blood sugar just careened off the charts.
• DEEP-FRIED CUBAN ROLL. A filling of slow-cooked pork shoulder, chopped ham, Swiss cheese, pickles, and secret sauce is spread onto a slice of Swiss cheese, rolled up in pastry dough and deep-fried. Served with a side of majo sauce. Gahh.
• FERNIE’S DEEP-FRIED KING RANCH CASSEROLE. Melted cheese dipped in a zesty egg wash, coated in panko bread crumbs and deep-fried golden brown and crunchy. Served with a side of red, white, and blue tortilla chips and your choice of our homemade salsa sour cream or cheesy queso. Each one proudly flies the flag of the Lone Star State. Holy crap.
• FRIED THANKSGIVING DINNER. Homemade stuffing and diced turkey are rolled in a ball, dipped in southern cream corn and rolled in seasoned corn meal. Fried to a golden brown and served with giblet gravy. WTF. I like this!
• GOLDEN FRIED MILLIONAIRE PIE. Sweet, fluffy cream cheese filling loaded with golden pineapple and Texas pecans, wrapped in a pie crust and fried golden brown. Topped with whipped cream, toasted coconut and candied pecans. No. Just, no.
• SPINACH DIP BITES. Creamy spinach artichoke dip bites are coated with crispy tortilla chips and flash-fried. Served with salsa for an additional kick. Meh. Deep-fried artichoke dip?
• SOUTHERN STYLE CHICKEN-FRIED MEATLOAF. Slices of homemade meatloaf coated in authentic Texas chicken-fried batter and deep-fried. Served with garlic mashed potatoes, real cream gravy and a ketchup/brown sugar glaze dip. You know what? This one actually sounds NOT BAD!
• TEXAS FRIED FIREBALL. Pimento cheese, pickles, cayenne pepper and bacon rolled into a ball, dipped in buttermilk, covered with a jalapeño-infused batter and deep-fried. Served with a chipotle ranch dip. Pure Texas.

Tell your friends ... I’ve got the Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week award! Our current honoree is none other than Pat Robertson, the jaw-dropping hate-monger, religious right troll and host of the Christian Broadcasting Network’s long-running horseshit prayerfest, “The 700 Club.” (Damn, I love that sentence!)

Robertson made the news today for a comment on television that gays are intentionally infecting heterosexual people with AIDS by cutting their fingers during handshakes using a special AIDS ring. These were his exact words to “The 700 Club” co-host Terry Meeuwsen: “You know what they do in San Francisco, some in the gay community there they want to get people so if they got AIDS they’ll have a ring, you shake hands, and the ring’s got a little thing where you cut your finger. Really. It’s that kind of vicious stuff, which would be the equivalent of murder.”

Apparently this was even too shocking for the Christian Broadcasting Network — which Robertson co-founded in 1961 — because his remarks were deleted before the video of today’s episode appeared on the Internet. Note to CBN: It might be time to pull this batshit crazy fossil off the air.

And now for something completely different: THE WORLD’S CUTEST VIDEO THAT ISN’T A KITTEN. Here’s an adorable little toddler named Yerin who goes beserk when she sees her daddy on TV. Wouldn’t this be an awesome commercial for Skype?

Thank you for stopping by. I have to eat a lot of things now because I’m really hungry.

Ah, insomnia. Again.

I have some serious insomnia tonight, people. I tried going to bed around 1 a.m. with Sam but my hands and feet were all weirded-out with neuropathy and I couldn’t get comfortable, so I decided to park myself in the study to eat TicTacs and horse around with Howdygram. Technically I wasted the first two hours reading all the latest posts on Gawker.com and Jezebel.com (two of my favorite websites) and watching clips from last night’s Video Music Awards … particularly an outrageous performance by mostly-naked pop slut Miley Cyrus, a rich white girl with marginal talent who pretends she’s “ghetto” to get attention. Miley got what she wanted, except the attention all over the Internet today was NEGATIVE because she looked like such an over-sexed idiot. Holy crap.

From our Yup, Only in Texas department comes this story of poetic justice. It seems that a local outbreak of 21 cases of measles has been linked to Eagle Mountain International Church here in north Texas ... a mega-church affiliated with Kenneth Copeland’s prosperity gospel baloney that preaches against immunizations. All of a sudden, though, the pastor’s daughter is telling everybody to hurry up and get vaccinated ... but “The main thing is to stay in faith. Do it in faith.” Whatever the hell that means. I think it would be smarter to do it in a doctor’s office.

I really have to go to bed now. It’s after 5 a.m. and I look AWFUL. Thank you.

I love tasty gravy. I hate Congress.

I am unwell. Not sick, really, but unwell. I’ve got achy knees, a stiff right elbow, a drippy eye that’s not open all the way, a thumb lump, a smashed baby toe, chills and a body temperature of 95.4°. Put them all together and they spell C-R-A-P-P-Y. There’s not much I can do about it, though, aside from extra-strength Tylenol and whining at Sam when he’s around to listen. However, on the plus side ... I haven’t finished watching all my Clark Gable movies from yesterday and I just ordered a bunch of chia seeds and some juicy Kirkland roast beef in a can from Amazon.

Two important items of note:

1. This time I’m trying a different brand of chia seeds. They’re super cheap, they come in convenient jar with a FREE SCOOP, and you even get an extra half-pound of seeds just for fun. Yay, right? 
2. Kirkland (Costco’s store brand) is probably the best canned roast beef on the market if enjoy this kind of shit and it even comes with its own TASTY GRAVY. (I love tasty gravy.)

I’ve got another horror story from the annals of modern medicine. We found out yesterday that my adorable little mother-in-law is in the hospital, severely anemic and receiving blood transfusions due to an ulcer caused by SIDE EFFECTS FROM A PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION. These damn wonder drugs could kill you! Below is a nice photo taken a couple of months ago when Sam was in California. He’s going back for another visit in October and I already miss him.

Some breaking news from our Holy Crap, They’re At It Again department. In case you missed this, here’s the latest brainstorm being pushed by Einstein teabaggers in the House of Representatives: CUT FUNDING FOR OBAMACARE OR WE’LL SHUT DOWN THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT. Congress has until September 30 to pass a budget, and they think this is the best time to wage another fight — for the 41st time! — against a law that’s already helping millions of Americans, including plenty of Republicans, qualify for affordable health insurance coverage.

It’s up to Speaker John Boehner, pictured above with his signature orange spray tan, to decide if he’s going to let the useless dolts in Congress continue to play games with the federal budget. Here at the Howdygram, we’re fed up and ready to kick ass. Therefore … click the link below right now to sign a petition and LET JOHN BOEHNER KNOW THAT SHUTTING DOWN THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT A VALID ECONOMIC PLAN. Thank you.

Hey. Ever wondered what Wallace Beery would look like in drag? It’s your lucky day! Apparently Beery made a bunch of silent comedies in 1914 dressed up as a character called “Sweedie.” Feast your eyes.

Thank you for reading this.

It’s Clark Gable day.

This might be a first for me, but I’m having eyeball issues today. Both of them are kind of drippy, both of them itch and my right eye isn’t open all the way. It feels like I’m developing conjunctivitis — horrors! — but Sam says it’s not visible yet because my eyes aren’t rimmed in red and they’re not glued shut. (So far.)

Stay tuned for up-to-the-minute developments. In the meantime I plan to spend all day Sunday doing laundry and watching Clark Gable movies on TCM. (It’s Clark Gable day.)

What’s on your agenda today? You don’t have to go into too much detail. A brief outline will be more than enough. Thank you.