Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Here’s what’s on the menu at the 2013 Texas State Fair.

The Texas State Fair kicks off one month from today, which means it’s time once again for the Big Tex Choice Award ... an annual hoo-hah that recognizes the year’s most creative fried food monstrosities. The actual taste-test competition will be held on Labor Day, but the Howdygram is pleased to offer a sneak peek at the Fair’s eight finalists for 2013 in case you can’t wait that long to find out what’s on the menu.
  • AWESOME DEEP-FRIED NUTELLA®. Cream cheese and Nutella® are whipped and spread over flaky phyllo dough, rolled and fried. Served with honey and shaved almonds. My blood sugar just careened off the charts.
  • DEEP-FRIED CUBAN ROLL. A filling of slow-cooked pork shoulder, chopped ham, Swiss cheese, pickles, and secret sauce is spread onto a slice of Swiss cheese, rolled up in pastry dough and deep-fried. Served with a side of majo sauce. Gahh.
  • FERNIE’S DEEP-FRIED KING RANCH CASSEROLE. Melted cheese dipped in a zesty egg wash, coated in panko bread crumbs and deep-fried golden brown and crunchy. Served with a side of red, white, and blue tortilla chips and your choice of our homemade salsa sour cream or cheesy queso. Each one proudly flies the flag of the Lone Star State. Holy crap.
  • FRIED THANKSGIVING DINNER. Homemade stuffing and diced turkey are rolled in a ball, dipped in southern cream corn and rolled in seasoned corn meal. Fried to a golden brown and served with giblet gravy. WTF. I like this!
  • GOLDEN FRIED MILLIONAIRE PIE. Sweet, fluffy cream cheese filling loaded with golden pineapple and Texas pecans, wrapped in a pie crust and fried golden brown. Topped with whipped cream, toasted coconut and candied pecans. No. Just, no.
  • SPINACH DIP BITES. Creamy spinach artichoke dip bites are coated with crispy tortilla chips and flash-fried. Served with salsa for an additional kick. Meh. Deep-fried artichoke dip?
  • SOUTHERN STYLE CHICKEN-FRIED MEATLOAF. Slices of homemade meatloaf coated in authentic Texas chicken-fried batter and deep-fried. Served with garlic mashed potatoes, real cream gravy and a ketchup/brown sugar glaze dip. You know what? This one actually sounds NOT BAD!
  • TEXAS FRIED FIREBALL. Pimento cheese, pickles, cayenne pepper and bacon rolled into a ball, dipped in buttermilk, covered with a jalapeño-infused batter and deep-fried. Served with a chipotle ranch dip. Pure Texas.
Tell your friends ... I’ve got the Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week award! Our current honoree is none other than Pat Robertson, the jaw-dropping hate-monger, religious right troll and host of the Christian Broadcasting Network’s long-running horseshit prayerfest, “The 700 Club.” (Damn, I love that sentence!)
Robertson made the news today for a comment on television that gays are intentionally infecting heterosexual people with AIDS by cutting their fingers during handshakes using a special AIDS ring. These were his exact words to “The 700 Club” co-host Terry Meeuwsen: “You know what they do in San Francisco, some in the gay community there they want to get people so if they got AIDS they’ll have a ring, you shake hands, and the ring’s got a little thing where you cut your finger. Really. It’s that kind of vicious stuff, which would be the equivalent of murder.”

Apparently this was even too shocking for the Christian Broadcasting Network — which Robertson co-founded in 1961 — because his remarks were deleted before the video of today’s episode appeared on the Internet. Note to CBN: It might be time to pull this batshit crazy fossil off the air.

And now for something completely different: THE WORLD’S CUTEST VIDEO THAT ISN’T A KITTEN. Here’s an adorable little toddler named Yerin who goes beserk when she sees her daddy on TV. Wouldn’t this be an awesome commercial for Skype?

Thank you for stopping by. I have to eat a lot of things now because I’m really hungry.

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