Tater tots and dill pickles ... breakfast of champions!

I just woke up from the nap of a lifetime … two hours of UNINTERRUPTED HEAVEN that included no stupid robo-calls and nobody knocking on the front door with a delivery from Amazon. As a matter of fact, I feel so damn good right now I think I might bake Pillsbury sugar-free brownies for Sam to show my appreciation for this morning’s mattress-turning event (see previous post).

In breaking news today from the Lone Star State is the story of Bill Bohlke, 65, mayor of Hollywood Park in south Texas, who was attacked and killed by an aggressive donkey on his ranch. Chief Deputy David “Barney Fife” Soward of the county sheriff’s department told the Associated Press that donkeys “can become very mean, sometimes triggered by a female in heat.” Yeah, right. It’s always a woman’s fault. “We’ll probably never know what triggered it,” Soward continued, “but it was evident this particular donkey was involved based on what we saw on this donkey.” Was he wearing Mayor Bill’s favorite hat? Hollywood Park is a small town north of San Antonio. Photos of Bohlke and the donkey appear below.

Mark your calendars! The 2012 Texas State Fair will be open for business from September 28 through October 21 at Fair Park in Dallas. And Labor Day weekend marks the Fair’s annual deep-fried food fight competition, where winning a Big Tex statuette for Best Taste or Most Creative is a huge hoo-hah for the vendors because it creates a ton of guaranteed media buzz and long lines of fat customers with heart conditions. This year’s entries, according to an official State Fair press release, include all of the following:

• Chicken-Fried Cactus Bites. Hand-picked prickly pear cactus pads, chicken battered and deep fried. Served with secret-recipe jalapeño ranch and agave nectar dipping sauce. Holy crap.
• Deep-Fried Divine Chocolate Tres Leches Cake. A slice of chocolate tres leches cake soaked in buttermilk batter and fried. Topped with a sprinkle of cinnamon, whipped cream, fresh strawberry slices, peaches and syrup. Fried cake? Seriously?
• Deep-Fried Jambalaya. A State Fair spin on a Cajun classic! “From scratch” jambalaya is created using shrimp, cajun sausage and seasonings, then coated in seasoned flour and fried to golden perfection. Served with a side of “made in house” spicy ranch dressing. I have trouble visualizing this one. Isn’t jambalaya a sauce?
• Deep-Fried Mac-N-Cheese Slider. Three-cheese mac-n-cheese is baked until golden brown, battered in bread crumbs, deep-fried until crisp and placed on a slider bun with a griddled beef patty. A Southern-style invention that almost calls for a rocking chair and a front porch! Also paramedics.

• Fried Bacon Cinnamon Roll. Fresh cinnamon roll dipped in a special sweet pancake batter, dredged in crumbled bacon, deep-fried and dusted with powdered sugar. It’s a main course and dessert all in one! Pass the Pepto Bismol.
• Fried Mexican Fire Crackers. A yummy, spicy chicken, cheese and jalapeño mix wrapped in fresh-made masa dough and deep fried to a crispy crunchy. Served with fiery TNT sauce. No kidding, I might actually try this one.
• Fried Pork Wings. This juicy morsel is slow cooked for six hours then deep-fried, rolled and tossed in a smoked bacon chipotle glaze. Accompanied by homemade potato chips. What’s next ... unicorn ribs?
• Picnic on a Stick. Pieces of spicy fried chicken on a skewer alternated with tater tots and dill pickles, dipped in batter, rolled in bread crumbs, and fried until golden brown. Comes with your choice of barbecue sauce, ranch or honey mustard dressing. Ants not included. Tater tots and dill pickles ... breakfast of champions!

Now that I’m sufficiently nauseated I think I’ll go watch an Ingrid Bergman movie. Gaslight (1944) just started on TCM co-starring Charles Boyer and Joseph Cotten. Thank you for reading this!