If at first you don't succeed ...

... you just order something else! The bedding set I bought last week from Wal-Mart.com (read my post) didn’t turn out exactly as expected, particularly since the dimensions of the king-size comforter couldn’t accommodate a mattress more than three inches deep. The colors were terrific; the fit was idiotic. So we returned it to our local Wal-Mart and I went back to their website and ordered the magnificent merchandise pictured below.

This is a NINE PIECE SET that includes a king comforter, two king-size shams, two Euro shams, three throw pillows and a tailored bedskirt for $69.95 ... with FREE SHIPPING. But (for me) the best part was reading all the online user reviews that raved about the oversized comforter dimensions even for a king-size bed. Stay tuned for an update; everything’s supposed to arrive November 23.

And now, Sam and I are going for a half-hour drive to Sugarless Delite, which is a diabetic’s nirvana in Richardson. I’ve had a serious craving lately for chocolate, and Sugarless Delite carries the best stuff ANYWHERE. Their bakery products (cheesecakes, pies and brownies) are amazing, too, but unfortunately they all contain large wads of an artificial sweetener called “maltitol” that works like a nuclear explosive on my digestive system. (My one and only experience two years ago was more than enough for me.)

Smooches to everybody and thank you for reading this.

There's so much news my head might explode.

I almost don’t know where to start, so grab a cup of coffee, hang on and enjoy the ride through today’s Howdygram news briefs!

Sam assembles The Chair in record time. It arrived from Office Depot half a day ahead of schedule and about an hour before Sam usually leaves for work at 2 p.m. Diligent and talented Mister Speedy Fixit shlepped the carton into the study, dumped the contents in the middle of the room and had the entire chair assembled, bolted together and butt-ready in less than 40 minutes. To prove I’m not lying please see the photo below.

Prince William gets ready to tie the royal knot. The Brits are pleased to announce that their 28-year-old heir to the throne and his long-time girlfriend Kate Middleton are officially engaged and planning a London wedding sometime in 2011. A definite date will be established shortly to allow adequate time for 3,756 royals and royal wannabes to place their orders for stupid hats. It is believed that millinery sales account for 57% of Britain’s gross national product.

Marcy enjoys an outing to “foodie heaven.” I drove over to Central Market in Dallas yesterday and splurged on a trunkload of goodies for Sam and me. Specifically, these included: 1) a chef-made casserole of gigantic poblano peppers stuffed with chicken, rice and cheese; 2) two pounds of Central Market’s gourmet Provence turkey breast that’s so good it actually reminds you of Thanksgiving; 3) my favorite marble rye bread; 4) potato latkes; 5) two slabs of lasagna; 6) house-made vegetable egg rolls with duck sauce; 7) an eggplant napoleon; and 8) their world-famous Cowboy Casserole, which contains chopped cowboys and spurs. (Only kidding. I think the main ingredient is chicken.) Central Market is the most amazing grocery store on earth. A photo of their mile-long meat counter appears below for your possible interest.

And now it’s time to work on items 2 and 3 from the list above. I’m saving item 7 for dinner. Thank you for reading this and pass the mayo.

The Cowboys win; Sam gets The Chair.

Well shut my mouth. THEY DID IT. The previously-depressing Dallas Cowboys beat the New York Giants yesterday 33 to 20 in a surprise win at Meadowlands Stadium that included some mighty amazing plays ... including a 101-yard touchdown run by Bryan McCann in the second quarter. Sam and I actually enjoyed watching the game this week, and we’re pleased to send a big Howdygram MAZEL TOV to the Cowboys’ new interim head coach Jason Garrett (pictured at right).

In other breaking news, we did a little fun Internet shopping yesterday. Sam went to Office Depot in the morning to test-drive new desk chairs, and when he got home we ordered his favorite online using a $30 discount coupon with free next-business-day delivery. His new black leather acquisition, pictured at left, features lumbar support, nice arm rests, a 350-V6 engine and ergonomic cup-holders. Delivery is expected sometime on Tuesday.

Sam’s former chair, now approximately 18 years old and basically shot to hell, will take up residence in the garage to serve as additional seating whenever we open the overhead door to watch summer thunderstorms. We’re sure it will live a long and fruitful life in retirement. In the meantime it’s accepting congratulatory emails. Thank you for reading this.

Guess who wants my money.

It’s swell to have friends in high places. For the last few months I’ve been receiving regular mailings from George and Laura Bush, inviting me to become “a founding member and one of the first Americans to support the George W. Bush Presidential Center” scheduled to open right here in Dallas sometime in 2013. Each mailing also reinforces that I should be honored to help tell the story of the Bush Presidency and thrilled that the Bush Center’s Institute will continue to advance President Bush’s innovative ideas ... although nobody mentions what these thrilling innovations were or why we can’t remember any of them. Maybe they had something to do with weapons of mass destruction or deregulating Wall Street. But I’m just guessing.

All this flag-waving crap-ola aside, George and Laura are basically trolling around for DOUGH. A gift of $50 or more guarantees they’ll engrave my name in the Bush Center’s Freedom Registry, which is probably located on a paper towel dispenser in the men’s restroom closest to the snack bar. Their most recent mailing included a full-color photograph suitable for framing (see above). I’ll be glad to email a scanned version to Howdygram readers on request.

In other news, the Cowboys play the New York Giants this afternoon ... their first game without former head coach Wade Phillips, who got canned after last week’s miserable loss to Green Bay. I’m absolutely positive today’s game won’t be any better than last week’s, since Dallas’ sloppy team of over-hyped millionaires frequently does as little as possible unless it involves penalties. Plus our quarterback (Tony Romo) is still on the injured list with his arm in a sling. Be sure to tune in, and thank you for reading this.

A frugal Howdygram shopping spree.

I wasn’t really planning to shop today but just spent an hour online blowing some money on a number of terrific bargains. My first stop was Kohls.com for the following reasons: 1) they’re having a big one-week pre-Christmas sale; 2) I got a 30% off coupon in the mail to use for my entire purchase; and 3) the coupon also includes FREE SHIPPING. So I bought a bunch of nice things for Sam, such as two fleecy pullovers, two turtlenecks and a pile of white socks.

As always, Kohl’s prices were amazing. Taking into consideration their pre-Christmas 50% off sale and my 30% coupon, the fleece pullovers were only $11.25 each, the turtlenecks were $7 and the socks were $9.80 for 12 pair. Oy.

Then I browsed around for a while on Wal-Mart.com. I know there are lots of Wal-Mart skeptics out there in Howdygramland, but their website is a fantastic place to shop and I’m always impressed with the selection, prices, quality and free (or exceptionally cheap) shipping. Today for some reason I wound up buying a new comforter set, mostly because I was really happy with the wrinkle-free sheets and summer quilt ensemble I bought from Wal-Mart this year and figured it might be fun to have a new look in the master bedroom. Here’s what I got:

This is a black and cocoa oversized king comforter set with two king pillow shams, a tailored dust ruffle and two coordinating throw pillows ... for $54.98. (I’m not joking about this.) I’ll probably order coordinating black and cocoa bath towels for the master bath after I get the comforter and decide for sure if I’m keeping it or not. I know you can’t wait for an update on this, so stay tuned.

And now we’ve got a little surprise thunderstorm moving through here, so I think I’ll go enjoy the show from the windows in the family room and wash a few dishes while I’m at it. Thank you for reading this.

Truth is stranger than fiction.

Three hot stories in the news compel me to write another post today even though I’d rather be in the den watching “Top Chef Just Desserts” on Bravo. Here they are for your possible interest and amusement.

A Gurnee, Illinois, woman attacks police officer with a sex toy. Carol Bildsten, 56, allegedly assaulted a police officer on Tuesday evening with what Gurnee Police Commander Jay Patrick called “a rigid feminine pleasure device.” Police had been called to the scene when Bildsten ran out on her dinner check at Joe’s Crab Shack. The restaurant manager reported that Bildsten has allegedly left the restaurant without paying in the past. She is currently in police custody. There is no word concerning the whereabouts of her dildo.

World’s oldest pig dies in Dallas at age 21. Oscar, a Vietnamese potbellied pig from north Dallas, claimed the Guinness World Record in 2009 when he celebrated his 20th birthday. However, the Howdygram is grieved to report that Oscar bit the dust on Tuesday, just one week after he turned 21. Rumor has it that owner Stacy Kimbell (pictured below with Oscar) has planned a memorial barbecue for the coming weekend. Bring your own sauce.

The Carnival cruise from hell is still inching towards San Diego. The 952-foot Carnival Splendor left Long Beach, California, on Sunday for a seven-day cruise to the Mexican riviera. About 200 miles south of San Diego an engine room fire killed the ship’s power, plunging 4,500 passengers and crew into total darkness with no air conditioning, no lights, no refrigeration, no hot water, no laundry, no elevators, and no telephone or Internet service. As two small tugboats shlep the mega-cruiser to San Diego, everyone on board is existing on canned Spam, Pop Tarts and tins of crabmeat airlifted by helicopter from the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan (see below). The Carnival Splendor is expected to arrive in San Diego Thursday night barring bad weather or any additional hoo-hah. So much for your vacation of a lifetime, folks. Next year consider a double room at Best Western and three days at Legoland.

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

Soup is almost better than sex.

Here’s your chance to throw together the ultimate comfort food: Marcy’s Beef Barley Soup. This is my own recipe after decades of happy culinary experimentation, and lucky for you it’s as easy as it is fabulous ... even if I say so myself. You can probably feed a small army or half the neighborhood with one pot. Trust me.

• 8 cups vegetable stock
• 1½ lbs. round steak, cubed
• ¼ cup olive oil
• 6 carrots, peeled and sliced
• 4 to 6 ribs of celery, chopped
• 1 bag washed baby spinach
• 1 can kidney beans, drained and rinsed
• 1 can diced tomatoes with liquid
• 1 lb. white mushrooms, sliced
• 1 giant yellow onion, chopped
• ½ cup raw barley
• 1 tablespoon dried parsley
• 1 tablespoon salt (or to taste)
• ½ teaspoon black pepper

Life doesn’t get much easier than this! Just heat the olive oil in a gigantic kettle and brown the beef cubes over medium-high heat, then toss in all the remaining ingredients and simmer, covered, for three hours. Four hours would be even better. That’s it. Obviously you can adjust the salt and pepper if you like more or less, and you can also skip the spinach if you want to. I happen to love the flavor of spinach in my soup and it also adds lots of vitamins.

Serve this with a nice crusty baguette and a few extra napkins for any slobs in your crowd. A nice dessert afterwards would be a handful of raisins or cheesecake. (Actually, I vote for cheesecake.) Bon appetit and thank you for reading this.

Cowboys, characters and the barley incident.

There’s a lot of really big news to report tonight so I’d better get right to the point. First, Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips (pictured below with a pre-menstrual headache) was fired yesterday after leading his team to another humiliating loss.

Here in Dallas a Cowboys coaching change gets as much attention and television air time as a nuclear accident or approaching hurricane, because apparently nothing matters to north Texans except: 1) football; 2) beer; and 3) where is George W. autographing his memoir tomorrow. (The answer to item three is Borders in Plano.)

In other news, today was Edna Mae Oliver day on Turner Classic Movies, commemorating 68 years since her death in 1942. I should have reported this yesterday so you’d have a chance to watch or record her films, and I apologize profusely for this oversight. Edna Mae was a very popular character actress in the 1920s and 30s with a face like Trigger. Although she was mostly a comedienne, she also appeared in a few dramas but always wound up being funny, anyway. Her movies today on TCM included The Penguin Pool Murder, Meet the Baron (one of the weirdest films I’ve ever seen co-starring Jimmy Durante and the Three Stooges), Murder on the Blackboard, We’re Rich Again, Murder on a Honeymoon and No More Ladies.

And finally, a devastating retail announcement: OUR LOCAL WAL-MART DOESN’T SELL BARLEY. I discovered this perplexing fact earlier today when I was loading up on ingredients for homemade beef barley soup and managed to find everything I needed EXCEPT for the requisite bag of barley. Wal-Mart wasn’t out of it ... they just don’t carry it. After I composed myself I realized my soup would be delayed until Sam makes a quick trip to Kroger in the morning. I’ll publish the recipe tomorrow so you can make some for yourself. Seriously, it’s the best beef barley soup EVER. Thank you for reading this.

A weekend retrospective.

I’ll begin by stating that Sam and I had a terrific weekend but the Dallas Cowboys had absolutely nothing to do with it. What we’ve got here is an incohesive, poorly coached team of lazy millionaires with the the worst record in the NFL. Last night they lost to Green Bay 45 to 7, but Sam and I stopped watching halfway into the second quarter because it was such a painful embarrassment. But even more bizarre than this season’s record is the fact that THE COWBOYS’ WEBSITE IS OFFLINE TODAY BECAUSE SOME BIMBO IN THE FRONT OFFICE LET THEIR DOMAIN NAME EXPIRE. (Maybe they can blame THIS on Wade Phillips, too.)

As for the better parts of our weekend, we had a swell Sunday brunch at Blue Mesa, during which Sam consumed more food in an hour than he usually eats over the course of two days. This included two gigantic tumblers of fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice, an omelet, fajitas, guacamole and chips, roasted corn relish, two adobe pies, chicken enchiladas, black beans and a two-inch thick Belgian waffle with syrup and whipped cream. Afterwards we drove to the Tanger outlet mall in Terrell, Texas, and bought him a pile of new underwear and socks at the Jockey store. We LOVE the Jockey store.

Last night while my stuffed and sated Sam was unconscious on the couch I watched an amazing movie I recorded last week: “Thirteen Days” with Kevin Costner. It tells the story of the Cuban missile crisis in 1962 and how close the United States actually came to nuclear war with the Soviet Union. This was a totally riveting film with a great script, outstanding decade-appropriate props, vehicles and wardrobe, and the producers even managed to find actors who looked exactly like the characters they were portraying from President Kennedy’s cabinet, like Bobby Kennedy, Dean Rusk, Robert McNamara, Adlai Stevenson, Lyndon Johnson, Pierre Salinger and so on. Whether or not you have any personal recollection of the Cuban missile crisis I strongly recommend this movie. It’s an accurate depiction of history and more compelling than the best Cold War suspense novel. For the record, I’ve always loved Adlai Stevenson. If you don’t know who he is you can learn more here. Thank you for reading this.

It's all relative.

Thought I’d share a few family photos with tonight’s post, courtesy of my niece Melissa. She uploads them to Snapfish.com and I just sneak the ones I like best. The first is a shot of my sister Robin, my mom, Robin’s daughter Melissa and little Tyler visiting mom at her nursing home. The second shot is Melissa and Tyler playing in the park. (Please don’t tell anybody, but this little guy is so adorable I could eat him on a bagel.)

Sam and I are planning a swell weekend. Tomorrow we’re doing practically nothing (seriously) and on Sunday we’re having brunch at Blue Mesa, our favorite spot for southwestern cuisine. And the price is right because Blue Mesa sent me a certificate for a free birthday brunch. Incidentally, reliable sources tell me that free food has no calories, so this will be a win-win situation for EVERYBODY.

What are y’all doing for Thanksgiving this year? We’ve got ours all figured out already ... a heat-and-serve feast from Boston Market and a homemade sugar-free pumpkin pie. Every year since we moved to Texas Sam and I basically just wear bathrobes and spend Thanksgiving in the family room with a bunch of great movies and eat until we can’t move. Even better, we don’t have to mop up after a bunch of guests and we don’t have to share our leftovers with anybody. If it sounds like we’re turning into a pair of curmudgeons, you probably have a point. Thank you for reading this.

Catching up.

In case you’re wondering where I’ve been for the last few days, it’s really no big secret: I’ve been right here at my desk working on projects and NOT ANSWERING THE TELEPHONE. For at least four straight days up to and including Election Day on November 2 we were receiving nonstop “please remember to vote” robo-calls from every Democratic club, caucus, incumbent and candidate throughout the state of Texas and nationwide ... including no less than four recorded reminders from Bill Clinton himself.

Ironically, when Sam and I show up to vote Tuesday morning at the Dunsford Community Center we find out our district has been subdivided and our new polling place from now on is at Porter Elementary School. Although Porter Elementary is actually closer to our house than the Dunsford Community Center, this is the kind of information that might be nice to know in advance. All those hard-working Democratic organizations wasting all that time reminding everybody to vote ... too bad nobody thought it was important to tell us WE HAVE A NEW POLLING PLACE.

For your possible interest the map below indicates the following Mesquite locations: A) our house; B) Porter Elementary; and C) the Dunsford Community Center.

By the way, a million smooches to everybody who sent me birthday cards this year. All of them were adorable and I hope I remembered to thank each of you individually. Sam had the day off on my birthday so we drove to Hong Kong Royal Restaurant in Carrollton for a dim sum lunch. I meant to take pictures of my dumplings but we were too busy eating them. Maybe next time. Thank you for reading this.

Sssh. We're skipping Halloween.

Halloween has been canceled in north Texas this year. Don’t ring my doorbell and stay off my front lawn. In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a World Series underway and all of us in Dallas are watching the Rangers on TV. Tell your kids to go buy their own Milk Duds and Dots, okay?

However, as long as I’m talking about the World Series, I’d be a little happier right now if the Giants were a crappy team and we could beat them. Whenever the camera zooms in on Nolan Ryan sitting behind the dugout he looks like Mister Grumpy Face. Last time I checked the score it was Giants 3, Rangers 0 at the bottom of the 8th.

Before I forget, I tried another product from Schwan’s last week, and this one’s definitely a winner. I didn’t expect frozen tamales to be this good. You just wrap two in a wet paper towel, nuke them for three minutes and poof, you’ve got a pair of decent beef tamales. And they’re cute, too. I can’t wait to introduce a few of them to Sam.

I also should mention that my birthday begins in 90 minutes and I’m not feeling very well tonight. At this point my only symptoms are tiredness and no appetite, but nevertheless I think presents, get-well emails and lemon jello might do the trick. Thank you in advance for your concern and generosity.

When waitresses suck.

I’ll begin with an advance apology to all you hardworking professional waitresses out there in Howdygramland. There are lots of you, and if you feel hurt, demolished, maniacal or homicidal after you read this post I definitely apologize. I’m not writing about YOU; I’m writing about one specific waitress at one specific restaurant. Her name is Shontae, and she screwed up our dinner experience yesterday at the Black-eyed Pea.

This wasn’t anything SERIOUS, mind you, just some really crappy and lazy behavior. For instance, before we’re even seated at the table Shontae introduces herself three times, because remembering her first name is the most important thing I’m going to do today, right after checking my blood glucose level and voting for governor of Texas. Then she delivers a basket of hot rolls with no silverware or plates. We ask for both. She says, “Plates? Sure, I can bring plates,” as if it’s a novel idea and she’ll try to humor us. Plates are dropped on the table in a stack of three but she hands all the silverware directly to ME, because I’m apparently wearing a sign that says I’m her assistant.

Our appetizer is a nice platter of nice fried green tomatoes, which Shontae delivers after shoving our bread plates and beverages all over the table. When the food order arrives she stands there like the Statue of Liberty with the first entree in her hand, annoyed, and waits for us to rearrange everything and make room. We’re not fast enough and she starts shoving dishes again.

Then we have this issue with BEVERAGES. Mom orders hot water. She orders hot water everywhere we go. She doesn’t drink coffee or tea, just a mug of ordinary hot water. Shontae has trouble with this concept and brings a two-quart plastic tumbler filled with water at the boiling point ... enough to bathe in and so hot you can’t even hold the glass. We look at her like she just landed from the planet Mongo. “You WANTED hot water, didn’t you?” Refills are no trip to the beach, either. When I request more iced tea she stands at the far end of the table with the pitcher and makes me stop eating to pass my glass to her across Sam’s plate.

We love the Black-eyed Pea. We hate Shontae. We left just enough tip to get our point across.

This is mom’s last night with us and we’re taking her to dinner at Saltgrass Steakhouse in Rockwall. Sam and I love Saltgrass, especially the wild west decor. I’ll try to remember my digital camera. In the meantime, thank you reading this and bon appetit.

So much fun, so little time.

We’re having a jam-packed week-o-fun with my mother-in-law ... which includes everything from trips to the Dallas Arboretum and Dallas Zoo, eating Klondike bars in the family room and daily walks around Belle’s Lake near our house in Mesquite.

Actually, maybe I should clarify a couple of points so you don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not personally involved in any of these activities ... it’s just Sam and mom because I’m a shlepper who uses a cane. Sam and mom went to the Arboretum, Sam and mom eat all the Klondike bars, and Sam and mom are the ones who walk around Belle’s Lake at least twice a day. At the moment they’re headed to the Dallas Zoo. And as long as I’m so busy clarifying things, I should also mention that Belle’s Lake isn’t really called Belle’s Lake. Mom named it after herself when she was here a year ago. I even designed a custom Belle’s Lake commemorative sweatshirt for her and shipped it to arrive in California the day after she gets home next week. (It’s a surprise because I love her. Don’t say anything.)

I ordered myself a pair of cute new shoes yesterday from Zappos.com ... black leather flats by Soft Spots. If you’ve never shopped with Zappos, you’re missing an amazing experience. They sell every conceivable shoe on the planet in every imaginable size, which is a VERY big hoo-hah to someone like me who wears a size 12. Even better, Zappos also has NO SALES TAX and FREE SHIPPING, even for returns! And for no apparent reason they even upgraded my shipping method from ground to OVERNIGHT ... also for free. Zappos does damn near everything except come over to your house and wait for the delivery truck.

And finally, I want to post this photo of Sam’s Aunt Adie, his cousin Darrell and the twins ... Hailey and Ryan. Adie was in Ontario for a visit and emailed this photo when she got home a few days ago. They’re shown here posing on a log at the Niagara Escarpment. An “escarpment,” contrary to popular opinion, is a long, steep slope, especially at the edge of a plateau or separating areas of land at different heights. It is NOT a shopping mall or a multi-screen cinema.

Thank y’all for reading this. Seriously.

All roads lead to the Black-eyed Pea.

Today’s lunch destination with mom was supposed to be Peggy Sue BBQ near the SMU campus in Dallas. Peggy Sue gets great write-ups in snooty “D” Magazine and excellent reviews online, so I figured this must be the go-to place for the city’s best smoked brisket and all the required accoutrements, like good sauce, greasy fries and dill pickles. Unfortunately, unless you live within walking distance or arrive in a private limo that drops you at the door, there’s no way you’ll ever get within six blocks of this place at mealtime.

Peggy Sue is located in the corner of a high-end and unnaturally busy strip mall that’s shaped like a snake pit and packed with a horde of ritzy little stores and other restaurants. From the look of it, apparently everybody in Dallas had nowhere else to go at 11 a.m. on an ordinary Tuesday. We also were flummoxed by the jammed and insufficient parking lot, which was filled with Escalades lined up bumper-to-bumper, circling for empty spots like a bunch of buzzards. We gave up, headed back to the freeway and found ourselves at the Black-eyed Pea a few blocks from home in Mesquite.

The Black-eyed Pea specializes is southern-style comfort food, the kind of place that serves a pile of free corn bread with everything and considers macaroni and cheese a vegetable. We love this place. Sam and mom ordered from the $5.99 lunch menu: he had a barbecue beef sandwich, mom ordered fried catfish. I got the grilled chopped steak smothered in the best mushroom gravy EVER. We also highly recommend their side dishes, particularly the whipped sweet potatoes, squash casserole (my personal all-time favorite) and the cheesy broccoli rice. Mom enjoyed her lunch so much she wants to go back later in the week, and that’s certainly fine with me because I spotted sugar-free cheesecake on the dessert menu. The Black-eyed Pea also offers honey butter for your corn bread, unlimited napkins, good iced tea and lots of parking.

Thank you for reading this. I’m officially hungry again.

Our seven-day Dallas food fest is underway.

Here we go ... our week-long gastronomic tour of Big D started today at 11:30 a.m., and mom is our honored guest. Every day we’ll shlep her around town to a different restaurant for lunch. We decided to do lunches instead of dinners for a few important reasons: 1) there’s practically zero traffic at lunch time; 2) lunch portions are smaller so we don’t have to stuff ourselves; and 3) we’d rather stay home at night to watch movies.

Today’s excursion took us to Royal China, Dallas’ best (and oldest) Chinese restaurant. We loved it. The food was outstanding, entrees on the lunch menu included FREE SOUP AND EGG ROLL and a big bowl of FREE HOT MUSTARD. I love hot mustard! Our menu choices today were Jalapeño Chicken for Sam, Orange Chicken for mom and Szechwan Eggplant for me. Plus we all shared assorted steamed dumplings in a bamboo basket (see below) which were color-coded depending on what was stuffed inside.

At no extra charge Royal China’s in-house noodle dude (I think that’s his official title) provides an interesting but non-musical floor show behind the dumpling bar, where he twists and spins huge wads of dough to entertain the diners. It’s fun to watch. He could even make it to the finals on “Shanghai’s Got Talent.”

When we got home everybody took a nap, then I watched an Audrey Hepburn movie on TCM while Sam and mom tried to walk around the block. Unfortunately, they had a little trouble bucking the 35 m.p.h. headwind and didn’t get very far. Sam was afraid mom would wind up in Oz. Thank you for reading this.

Travel in the Twilight Zone.

This won’t be a very long post because it’s almost 1:30 a.m., Sam is asleep and I’m not feeling especially creative at the moment. I just wanted to mention that my mother-in-law didn’t arrive on Saturday as planned. We were bombarded here with thunderstorms and tornado warnings all day long, and her flight from Burbank was canceled at the last minute. To tell you the truth, the situation was almost paranormal because until that point we hadn’t had a single drop of rain — or five minutes of bad weather — during the entire month of October. American Airlines rescheduled mom’s flight and she arrived this morning at 11:45 instead. I have no idea why the weather gods wanted to keep her away on Saturday, but we’re officially having fun now nevertheless. We had pot roast for dinner and grapes for dessert. Life is good.

Thank you for reading this.

The Shutterstock dilemma, Costco and Raisinets.

So here’s the thing. Every year I treat myself to a one-month membership on Shutterstock.com. Shutterstock sells millions of gorgeous graphics and photos for designers (like me) who don’t really have any illustration skills of their own. I only join once a year because a one-month membership costs $249, for which you can download 25 images a day for 30 days. Trust me, this isn’t as easy as it sounds ... THAT’S 750 IMAGES. I usually sign up around my birthday but have to start planning three or four months in advance by visiting Shutterstock every day and saving images I like in an online “light box.” That way I’ve already got my 750 images set aside by the time I sign up, and I can download 25 a day without too much mental hoo-hah.

Unfortunately, I’m running out of gas. This is only Day 14 of my membership, most of the images in my light box don’t excite me any more and I can’t figure out what I’d rather have instead. I’ve already overdosed on holiday graphics, cowboy graphics, greeting card designs, background patterns, fancy doodads, borders, cute kitty-cats, logos, website banners and so on. I’m sure I’ll dig up another 400 images and get through this ordeal somehow, but I wanted you to know how I suffer as an artist. Thank you.

In other news ... it’s drizzling outside, and Sam and I just got home from a quick trip to Costco, where we bought four important items: 1) cashews; 2) lox; 3) pot roast; and 4) a container of the best scalloped potatoes on the planet.

And here’s an urgent public service announcement in case you missed it. Just in time for Halloween, Raisinets are being recalled for peanut contamination. This refers ONLY to the trick-or-treat “fun size” packages being sold at Target and Shop Rite. Nestle says not to eat them if you’re allergic to peanuts (well, duh) and don’t return them to the store, either, because they don’t want them. You should just call Nestle at 800-478-5670 for a refund. Fortunately, this won’t impact my annual Halloween candy purchase because I only give away total crap like SweeTarts, rock-hard bubble gum and Dum-Dums.

My mother-in-law will be here in 6½ hours. Thank you for reading this.

Here comes mom.

My mother-in-law is coming for a visit. It’s her second trip to Texas since we moved here a few years ago. This adorable Sam lookalike (see for yourself) will arrive around 6 p.m. Saturday for eight days of fun, naps, home-cooked dinners and long walks with her exceptionally tall and precious son. We honestly don’t plan anything too exciting when mom’s here because we mostly love to just hang out and eat grapes in the family room, but this year we’ve got a few interesting restaurants on our “do” list and I’m almost positive that Sam’s counting on another visit to the art museum, which they definitely enjoyed last fall. We also go for a lot of rides to nowhere in particular.

My only big responsibility in all this is to make up the bed in the guest room, reorganize the pantry and plan a few meals. So far my list includes Marcy’s Private Recipe Chili, something Italian and probably pot roast, all of which provide enough leftovers to feed us more than once. This is a perfect example of classy thinking and brilliant homemaking.

For those of you who love a good celebration, tomorrow is National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day. You might have a problem finding a Hallmark card for this one, however. Thank you.

When you really REALLY need another nap.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. I CAN’T WAKE UP. I got out bed at 9 this morning, skipped lunch for a nap on the couch at noon, woke up just long enough to fall asleep again at 2:45, and now I’m sitting at my desk dreaming about nap number three instead of what’s for dinner. The whole day has been such a strange fog that I’m not really positive I’ve been awake for any of it ... although somehow I know that the Vikings beat the Cowboys this afternoon 24 to 21. And I’ve also got enough functioning neurons to know the Cowboys are playing sucky football.

Let me apologize for this. I almost forgot to show you the three new products I ordered last week from Schwan’s. For the most part I’ve been pretty satisfied with a lot of their products, although some are seriously overpriced (compared to the supermarket) and others taste too bland. I guess Schwan’s tries to appeal to the broadest possible audience; the result is cuisine that can be reminiscent of a middle school cafeteria.

The only product I’m really fond of here is the au gratin potatoes. Even Sam liked them, and Sam really doesn’t like ANYTHING except raisins, a lobster tail with butter, yogurt, cashews from Costco and an occasional large chicken burrito. I tried Schwan’s pot stickers a couple of hours ago and wound up feeding them to the garbage disposer. They LOOK normal enough but have zero Asian flavor and a texture like Legos. The crust is so hard (the label on the bag says they’re “pan seared”) that I couldn’t bite through it or even chew. I do not intend to destroy my brand new teeth on plastic food.

As for the brown & serve sausages, they taste fine but seem a little too greasy for me. Plus, they’re frozen in little rock-hard piles of eight, which means a person has to heat up eight at a time when you might only want three. Since I eat sausages so infrequently I know I won’t bother ordering these again when they run out. At this rate, it’s possible they’ll be lurking in my freezer FOREVER.

Thank you so much for reading this. I’m hungry.

All hail our local ambulance chasers.

Over the course of almost 59 years I’ve lived in a number of different cities. In chronological order, they are: 1) Chicago and assorted suburbs; 2) Dallas; 3) Grand Rapids, Michigan; 4) Los Angeles; and 5) Dallas. Incidentally, that’s not a typo. I’ve lived in Dallas twice ... once in the late 1980s for two years, and now I’m here again permanently (and happily) with Sam. The point is, you find ambulance chasers everywhere you go. Here in Dallas we’ve got our very own dynamic duo: Jim Adler and Brian Loncar. I should add that Adler and Loncar are not associated with each other in any way but manage to produce equally annoying TV commercials. They’re personal injury attorneys extraordinaire.

Adler, who nicknamed himself “The Hammer,” shouts like he’s selling used cars, has a Texas drawl as thick as chili and recently dyed his hair coal black to make everybody believe he’s only 35 years old.

Loncar, on the other hand, is characterized as a combination avenging angel and stalker. In his latest commercial he’s shown distributing business cards at a massive car wreck while the jaws of life are prying a bleeding victim out of a Chevrolet. He even manages to show up before the helicopter and ambulance. Frankly, this scares the hell out of me.

And now it’s time for a shower, a late snack and a movie. I’m thinking about one of those old Agatha Christie mysteries with Margaret Rutherford because I love her to pieces. Thank you for reading this.

Exciting Thursday developments, Howdygram style.

Oy. According to “Newsweek,” the majority of Americans — three out of four — can correctly identify Larry, Curly and Moe as the Three Stooges. Only two out of five, however, can correctly identify the three constitutional branches of our government: legislative, executive and judicial. My only comment to these knuckleheads: PICK TWO, AND SPREAD OUT, PORCUPINE.

For the latest scoop a little closer to home, we had our carpeting (three rooms and the hall) professionally cleaned today by a really nice local company. They showed up early, finished in 45 minutes and offered me their latest coupon special even though I didn’t have a coupon. I’m mighty impressed and the carpet looks terrific. The whole process was so effortless (and cheap) that I can’t wait to start spilling soft drinks and spaghetti all over again.

And finally, Sam’s cousin Darrell and his wife, Leah, sent the following scanned nature shot to prove that trees in Ontario, Canada, are just as pretty as our autumn blaze maple here in north Texas. Show offs. (Just kidding. Smooch.)

Thank you for reading this.

Miscellanea and insomnia.

Okay, I’m not 100% sure I’ve really got insomnia, since it’s only just past midnight and there’s a very strong possibility I’ll go to bed within the hour unless I decide to take a look at last night’s episode of “Mad Men,” which I recorded because Sam and I were watching “A Hard Day’s Night” instead. I fell asleep for half the movie, though, which probably explains why I’m still awake. I think the Beatles movie had something to do with John Lennon’s 70th birthday, which would have been October 9 if he was still alive. FYI, an article today on MSNBC.com revealed that Yoko Ono, Lennon’s 77-year-old widow, says she “still hasn’t gotten over John’s death” almost 30 years ago. If you ask me, she sounds like a strong candidate for grief counseling.

For those of you who may be interested, I definitely have the bladder infection I suspected on Friday and plan to call my doctor first thing this morning. I’m hoping she’ll just prescribe the same medication I took a year ago without expecting me to show up for an office visit, but I won’t hold my breath. I never have that kind of luck. Thank you for reading this.

It's been quite a week around here.

First of all, I got a clean bill of health during a follow-up visit to the oral surgeon yesterday, which was no huge surprise because everything feels great and I love my new teeth. Afterwards I decided to commemorate this big hoo-hah with a shopping spree, so I drove over to Costco and loaded up on two pounds of lox, a gigantic tub of Sam’s favorite cashews, bread, chipotle chicken taquitos, hand soap, canned ravioli and a nice meat loaf for the weekend. Then I spent the afternoon finishing up a new client’s website design.

Other incredible events this week have included the following: 1) I got a flu shot on Tuesday; 2) the weather is finally cooling off here; 3) my Aunt Matilda is celebrating her 90th birthday; and 4) I think I’m getting a bladder infection. Also, Sam has today off work so we drove up to Carrollton for a dim sum lunch at Hong Kong Royal Restaurant. Click here to examine their dumplings in exquisite detail.

They have the best dim sum on earth ... and that includes all the Chinese restaurants we used to enjoy in L.A. I’d like to go back for dinner tonight except I’m positive Sam would rather have lox and bagels. What a meanie.

Thank you for reading this.

The mystery lives on.

It’s been 14 years but her face is still in the news. I’m referring to JonBenet Ramsey, the six-year-old pageant princess from Boulder, Colorado, who was found strangled in her family’s basement in December 1996. Apparently a new county district attorney wants to pursue “new contacts” and re-interview JonBenet’s older brother, Burke, who was nine when his sister was killed. Personally, I think the new D.A. is out of his league on this case, since this scary little midget more likely died from a hair spray overdose and lipstick poisoning. And she’s been reincarnated as one of Marie Osmond’s dolls.

In other news, I’m really enjoying my new teeth, and you may be excited to know that it only took me ONE HOUR yesterday to eat a bagel. My next hurdle will be grapes. I may have to cut them in half first, though, because biting still takes a certain level of skill. Chewing is a lot easier. I’ve already mastered mashed potatoes, shrimp, American cheese and Schwan’s turkey pot pies. Life is good. Thank you for reading this.

I've got a headache.

And I’ve had it all day and it won’t go away, even after medicine, two naps and a really nice dinner that Sam picked up from Boston Market. Turkey and stuffing should make a person feel better, but it’s definitely not working today. I'm thinking cereal might help. I like cereal.

This might be a good time to mention the BEEP. We’ve got an alarm system in our house, and a mysterious backup battery has been beeping every 10 seconds since Thursday afternoon. After three calls to tech support and trying every remedy except a battering ram, Sam is optimistic about relief within the next 30 minutes. I just hope he doesn’t scuff the wallpaper when he starts swinging that ax.

And finally, before I take a hot shower in a last-ditch effort to unload my headache, I’ll try to inject a little Howdygram humor with this photo of the European Beard Championship prize winners in the category of “chin-beard and mutton-chops imperial.” From left to right, here are Franz Mitterhauser of Austria, Juergen Burkhard of Germany and Herve Diebolt of France.

 Thank you for reading this.