I must be blind.

This is what happens whenever Sam isn’t here ... I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON. It’s 7 a.m. and the map on Weather.com shows a huge blotch of ice and snow (depicted as pink crap and blue crap, respectively) moving across the area, and a big, bad headline on the Dallas Morning News’ website is screaming in giant type:

WINTER STORM BRINGS ICE, SNOW
TO DALLAS/FORT WORTH

Except when I look out the window I don’t see any ice and I don’t see any snow. I can hear plenty of wind, but I’m squinting as hard as I can and there’s just nothing else going on. Maybe I’m crazy or still asleep, or maybe a cyclone — Auntie Em! — magically transported the house to another city overnight. I don’t get it. However, I’m positive that Sam would be able to find the ice and snow if he was here because he has a foolproof system ... he just swings open the front door and steps outside.

In other news, skanky mock-celebrity Lindsay Lohan is facing grand theft charges today for stealing a $2,500 necklace from a Venice, California, jewelry store. She was seen wearing it days after the store said it was stolen, and they’ve got a surveillance video of her trying it on. If convicted, Lohan faces up to three years in prison, which might be reduced to probation if she signs up for six weeks at the Shoplifters’ Rehab Spa and Casino in Palm Desert. Lohan’s latest mug shot appears at right. She’s not looking so hot these days.

Winter storm update.
I just figured it out. Sam called from Houston to ask about the weather so I went back to the big windows in the living room for a quick reassessment now that it’s actually light outside. Upon closer inspection I was able to determine that we’re getting INVISIBLE SLEET, because there’s some white frosty crap on the pavement but nothing on the grass. The frosty crap is actually ICE. Nothing is moving out there. No people, no cars, no lizards, no coyotes. (Just kidding about the lizards and coyotes.)

I think I’ll go back to bed for a while. Thank you for reading this.