Cottonelle Clean Care with Very Stupid Ripples is ruining my life.

In this post: Water from the sky, bad toilet paper.

It’s a dark and crappy Saturday morning due to substantial very cold rain all around the Dallas metro area. For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) Hong Kong Royal in Carrollton where we can’t go for dim sum today because it’s too far, too cold and too wet; and C) the location of our favorite Costco in Rockwall. (We’re not doing Costco today, either.) I, for one, plan to stay indoors with Sam, The Bishop’s Wife and a can of Hormel tamales.

I don’t often bother writing product reviews since nobody usually gives a damn about this stuff except me, but today might be an exception because the subject is TOILET PAPER. Specifically, Cottonelle Clean Care with Very Stupid Ripples. My personal favorite toilet paper in the whole world is Wal-Mart’s Great Value store brand — cheap! strong! fluffy! — but it was out of stock online a couple of weeks ago so I thought I’d try Cottonelle instead. BIG FAT MISTAKE. Cottonelle Clean Care with Very Stupid Ripples is a single-ply Soviet-quality product that’s so cheesy you can’t even blow your nose with it, and now I’m stuck with two 24-roll mega-packs of this miserable crap taking up valuable space on the floor of my linen closet. Cottonelle Clean Care with Very Stupid Ripples is ruining my life. Thank you for reading this.