Saturday, June 1, 2013

Dairy Queen sucks if you have diabetes.

Hello from Howdygram headquarters, where I’ve spent nearly all day doing nothing and wasting time. Two of my favorite hobbies! To inject a little fun into the mix here are today’s purchases from a quick Amazon shopping trip: 1) EZ Sweetz; 2) an AccuSharp knife sharpener; 3) a couple of swivel outlets for the kitchen; and 4) a used hardcover copy of “The New Joys of Yiddish” by Leo Rosten for $1.15. I realized I needed item two when I couldn’t slice a tomato on Thursday. Holy crap.
Sam promised to take me to lunch tomorrow at Cafe Greek in Dallas so I can eat some baked fish with sesame seeds. We almost went today except there was a threat of severe weather so we stayed home. Unfortunately, in the end we didn’t get any storms and I didn’t get my fish. And I really wanted that damn fish. I drowned my disappointment with a FOUR-HOUR AFTERNOON NAP (God, it was wonderful) and might be craving something spicy for dinner from China City. As I write this post Sam is down the street at Dairy Queen eating a Blizzard. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) Dairy Queen. I didn’t go with him because Dairy Queen sucks if you have diabetes. (I have diabetes.)
As long as I’m on a fast-food theme here’s the latest from Burger King just in time for Father’s Day … the HANDS-FREE WHOPPER HOLDER. Burger King’s product-of-the-century isn’t available yet in stores but is being test-marketed by 50,000 willing customers who apparently don’t mind walking around in public looking like Trigger with a feed-bag. My question is, where do you hang the fries?
A couple of days ago I made a huge decision in my push towards retirement: Effective July 1 Ovation Creative will no longer accept credit cards. Glorioski! I’m so excited I could slap somebody! Credit card processing is a financial and logistical pain in the ass that suffocates you with fees, surcharges and red tape. The only people who get a break are huge businesses with huge sales volume; everybody else just goes broke. And then there’s the annual PCI Compliance Self-Assessment Questionnaire — required by the Payment Card Industry (PCI) Data Security Standards (DSS) Einsteins — which is an idiotic online mess of incomprehensible questions. If you don’t understand something (easy to do) and answer incorrectly (also easy to do), you could wind up paying big bucks in penalties even if you have no idea what they’re talking about. A sample section of the questionnaire appears below.
How many employees do you have?
I have no employees.

How do your employees protect sensitive cardholder data?
I have no employees.

How often are employees coached on approved methods for protecting sensitive cardholder data?
I have no employees.

How many employees have been disciplined for not protecting sensitive cardholder data?
I have no employees.

Explain how these employees have been disciplined for not protecting sensitive cardholder data.
What the hell is wrong with you? I HAVE NO DAMN EMPLOYEES!
I think you get my drift.

And now I should probably figure out what to eat for dinner because it’s already 8:30. I’ve decided to skip China City and will go instead with a bowl of cole slaw, a leftover low-carb biscuit and a couple of my favorite pre-cooked Angus burgers that nuke in only three minutes with melty Mexican Velveeta on top. Please send an email as soon as possible if you’d like to join me, okay? Thank you.

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