All we need now is a side order of Lipitor.

It’s sure been a hard year for Texans. Record-breaking heat, exceptional drought, uncontrolled wildfires raging around the state and nutjob governor Rick Perry hurling himself toward the White House.

Incidentally, when the rest of America finally figures out what Perry stands for they’ll laugh him off the stage. I refer specifically to his views on outlawing abortion, teaching creation and Christianity in public schools, mandatory prayer, rewriting the U.S. constitution, repealing Social Security and restricting voting rights. The image above pretty much says it all. Even conservative Baptists think he’s crazy.

I guess the only bright spot would be today’s announcement of the eight food finalists for this year’s Big Tex Choice Awards at the Texas State Fair, which opens in Dallas on September 30. Here are this year’s deep-fried marvels for your possible interest. A side order of Lipitor sells for 75¢.

Buffalo Chicken in a Flapjack: Buffalo chicken strip coated in pancake batter, rolled in jalapeño bread crumbs, deep fried, skewered and served with maple syrup. (Don’t look now, but my gag reflex just kicked in.) Deep-Fried Pineapple Upside-Down Cake: Pineapple rings dipped in cake batter, fried and coated with a caramel/sugar glaze. Deep-Fried Texas Salsa: Medley of jalapeños, garlic, onion, tomato and pepper rolled together, dipped in corn meal and covered in crushed-up tortilla chips. Deep-fried and served with warm queso. El Bananarito: A deep-fried banana rolled in a flour tortilla and topped with whipped cream, powdered sugar, cinnamon and hot caramel. Fried Autumn Pie: This one actually sounds GOOD. It’s a puff pastry infused with pumpkin, cream cheese, powdered sugar and fall spices. Deep fried and rolled in ginger, cinnamon, and sugar. Deep-Fried Bubblegum: Gigantic bubble gum flavored marshmallows dipped in batter and deep-fried. Decorated with icing and powdered sugar. (Pass the insulin.) Hans’ Kraut Ball: Pork sausage, onion, garlic, sauerkraut, mustard and seasonings rolled into a ball, covered with seasoned bread crumbs, deep fried, and served with your choice of hot mustard, raspberry chipotle dressing or ranch. (Blecch.) Walking Taco: Ground beef, lettuce, onion, fresh tomato, grated cheese, sour cream and salsa dumped in an empty Doritos bag. (Sounds like a grotesque mess, if you ask me. Maybe you’re supposed to hang the bag around your neck and eat it hands-free.)

We’re hoping to take my brother-in-law David to the Fair when he’s here in October. My posts really don’t do it justice — he has to see this internationally-famous food fest for himself. As for me, I’ll be in the corner with a Diet Coke and a corn dog. I’m not very adventurous any more unless somebody wants to invent Deep-Fried Mongolian Chicken on a Stick.

Thank you for reading this.