Air Einstein pilot mistakes the planet Venus for an oncoming plane and other important news.

A quick update to the outrageously high blood sugar issue I mentioned in yesterday’s post. As of this writing the number has dropped significantly … from 377 at 2 p.m. to 245 two hours after dinner. And Sam, my sleeping genius, may have solved the mystery! We went to Mariano’s for lunch yesterday and he suspects they gave me a real Coke instead of diet and I didn’t notice the difference. I’d like to believe I’m not senile enough to mistake the taste of a real Coke, but I guess anything’s possible. Stay tuned for additional developments.

Breaking aviation news. A report issued this week by the Transportation Safety Board of Canada finally explains an issue of “severe turbulence” that occurred last January on an overnight Air Einstein flight from Toronto to Zurich, Switzerland. Apparently a sleepy and disoriented pilot mistook the planet Venus for an oncoming plane and forced his jet into a nosedive, during which passengers and flight attendants, who were not wearing seat belts, were hurled into the ceiling and overhead bins. Air Einstein officials apologized profusely afterwards and distributed free moose jerky, maple leaf keychains and two-day passes to Canada’s most popular tourist attraction, Mountieland.

From our It’s Almost Not Worth the Effort department, reality TV bimbo Kim Kardashian has announced her plan to run for mayor of Glendale, California, in 2017. Kim’s qualifications include: 1) being Armenian; 2) barely finishing high school; 3) unnaturally large breasts; 4) starring in a widely distributed sex tape with an African-American hip-hop artist; and 5) staging a sham wedding to increase her TV ratings.

To her credit, however, Kardashian is considerably more qualified for public office than Sarah Palin.

Thank you for reading this.

Maybe I’ll just go drown my frustration with a pound of DeMets Turtles.

Know what? I’ve discovered there’s not much else to do at 4 a.m. except fantasize about pies, so I bought myself a Babycakes Pie Maker this morning! You can make FOUR TEENY PIES AT ONE TIME using Pillsbury ready-made refrigerated pie crust dough that you cut out with teeny little tools that come with the pie maker, and you can fill your aforementioned teeny pies with PRACTICALLY ANYTHING, sweet or savory, such as sugar-free cherry pie filling, gefilte fish or leftover Mongolian chicken. I bought my Babycakes Pie Maker from Barnes & Noble (seriously) because their price was the lowest I saw online — $29.99 — with free shipping. A recipe book is included so stay tuned for lots of stupid but fascinating pie posts in the weeks to come. And incidentally, Babycakes has a lot of other options if you’re not into teeny pies, such as teeny doughnuts, teeny cupcakes and teeny waffles. Check out their website. (It’s regular size.)

I bought a bunch of lancets this morning, too. You know, pointy little finger-stabbers for checking my blood sugar. Amazon had them super-cheap at $4 for a box of 100 so I ordered three boxes. I suppose I could have ordered more but I don’t like to be greedy.

For your possible interest here are a couple of Howdygram celebrity before & after pictures … Shelley Fabares with some serious hair issues and the Smothers Brothers, who officially retired from show business last year after announcing that Tom has Alzheimer’s. I guess he can’t remember who mom liked best any more.

I’ve figured out that a lot of crazy shit happens when your blood sugar is out of control. For example: 1) you wake up in the morning with a burning thumb lump and it’s really hard to make the bed; 2) the left side of your tongue itches; 3) the battery dies in your Hyundai and you wind up at Pep Boys; and 4) an idiot always rings the doorbell when you to try to take a nap. All of this actually happened today, including the itchy tongue and Pep Boys. As for the blood sugar issue, I just sent an emergency email to Dr. M to ask what I’m supposed to do. My glucose is so outrageously high right now you wouldn’t believe I’m using any medication at all.

The hell with it. Maybe I’ll just go drown my frustration with a pound of DeMets Turtles or a Sara Lee cheesecake. The kind with oozy strawberries on top.

I have to take my meds now. Thank you for reading this.

Rolling laundry carts and Lane beats the crap out of snotty Pete Campbell.

Can we talk about GORGEOUS SUGAR-FREE DESSERTS for a minute? I just ordered a couple of wonderful products from Amazon … gorgeous sugar-free cookies and gorgeous sugar-free petit fours by Wisconsin Cheeseman! (You know, one of those fancy-schmancy food companies like Swiss Colony or Figi’s.) I’m so excited about I might have to hang out on the lawn waiting for UPS. Sam can slide my meals under the front door.

Holy crap. Do you want to eat these as much as I do?

And if gorgeous sugar-free desserts aren’t exciting enough, Sam just put together my NEW ROLLING LAUNDRY CART (see post). It’s even better than I expected. This thing is extremely huge and extremely well made, and Sam even commented it’s the nicest “assembly required” product he’s ever been required to assemble. Glorioski! I think I’ll go stuff it with bath towels.

From the world of meaningless foods, a couple of months ago Kraft introduced their “MilkBite” bar, a weird new breakfast thing that combines milk & granola into a product that sort of looks like a big bland dog biscuit. Enter “Mel,” MilkBite’s unassuming food mascot, who’s awkward, slightly weird and confused about life. Think Woody Allen. Part milk and part granola, Mel finds himself on an agonizing life rollercoaster as he attempts to integrate with society. The Howdygram hopes you’ll enjoy the following three Mel-centered commercials.







I’m starving so I think I’ll go toast myself an English muffin and watch last night’s amazing episode of “Mad Men” for the second time, during which Lane shocks the hell out of everybody in the room and beats the crap out of snotty Pete Campbell.

Thank you for reading this.

Please don’t throw peanuts during the debates.

I’ve got a lot to say so let’s get started, okay? First and foremost, I’d like to report that we never got any of those “catastrophic” storms the National Weather Service predicted for us this morning (see post). Although I didn’t really want destructive weather — our big tornado outbreak on April 3 was more than enough — we also didn’t get any measurable rain today, either. Less than one-tenth of an inch. This sucks because north Texas is still on stage 3 water restrictions, which means we can only water our lawns twice a month. If we don’t get a little free water from the sky now and then we’ll be screwed.

And now for some breaking international news from Europe! Apparently the crackerjack police of Paris have seized 13 tons of contraband miniature Eiffel Towers. The owner of a Paris souvenir shop, her husband and her son were arrested during the trinket seizure on Friday and accused of selling artificial crap — as opposed to authentic crap — without a permit at their gift shops in the Eiffel Tower and Louvre. The operation was led jointly by the Paris police department and French customs after several months of intense surveillance. I don’t know about you, but all of a sudden I’ve got a visual of Inspector Clousseau hiding in a bush.

Next to beer, guns and pickup trucks a Texan’s favorite pasttime is greasy food, so you’ll surely understand that — according to every news website in town — the city’s number one goal for 2012 has involved researching, eating and acclaiming the Best Burgers in Dallas. And they’ve even published a map to help us find them.

The blue pins indicate the following dining establishments: The Commissary, Elevation Burger, The Grape, Fred’s Texas Cafe, Ketchup Burger Bar, Marquee Grill, Off-Site Kitchen and Wingfield’s. Although Sam and I have never eaten at any of these restaurants, after viewing a 20-page photo gallery on the Dallas Morning News’ website I’m ready to head out the door RIGHT NOW. Are these gorgeous, or what?

Next time you come for a visit Sam and I promise to include one or more of these fine establishments on our “do” list. FYI, the burger on the right weighs 10 ounces without the bacon and bun. Glorioski!

And finally, a recent research study at Aix-Marseille University in France has revealed that baboons are able to distinguish between real and fake words in print about three-out-of-four times, according to the results published in Thursday’s science journal. Four-year-old Dan Baboon, the star of the bunch and equivalent in age to a human teenager, got 80% of the words right and learned 308 four-letter words. That being said, the Howdygram is pleased to announce the Republican party’s 2016 running primates for president in 2016.

Please don’t throw peanuts during the debates and thank you for reading this.

Crushing news from the bowels of Howdygramland.

I don’t really know how to break this story so I’ll just blurt it out. Candy manufacturer Just Born, Inc., has announced that Mike and Ike have decided to split up. And in a quirky advertising tactic to revive interest in their 72-year-old product, Just Born is hinting at GAY DIVORCE.

Apparently Mike plans to work on his music and Ike wants to work on his art, and their separation is being promoted through new packaging, funny YouTube videos and goofy billboards. Here are two of the aforementioned funny videos for your possible interest … the first was produced by Just Born staff, the second shows reactions from teens on the street.





On a personal note, I’m devastated by the news because my long-standing affection for Mike and Ike made me what I am today. Diabetic.

Holy crap. I’ve turned into a bowl of toxic soup.

So here’s the weekend outlook from your pals at Howdygram headquarters! We’ve got severe thunderstorms on the way Saturday night and all day Sunday plus a chance for tornadoes on Sunday. Since most of the area is still recovering from that record-breaking tornado outbreak on April 3 I wouldn’t mind skipping the wind, hail and fireworks and just get down to essentials ... all I really want is a good soaking RAIN. Below is a map of Sunday’s predicted storm activity, courtesy of Weather.com.

So far so good with my new diabetes meds. My blood sugar was slightly lower today than yesterday — please feel free to cheer — and I seriously hope the trend continues so we can finally get this sucker under control. I just injected my nightly dose of insulin and celebrated by swallowing a fistful of assorted pills: two Benazepril Hydrochlorothiazides, three Amitriptyline Hydrochlorides, one Atorvastatin (the generic version of Lipitor) and one Spironolactone, all working diligently to treat a number of chronic health conditions such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol and peripheral neuropathy. I also take four Glyburide tablets every day (two at breakfast, two at dinner) to help control my blood sugar because apparently insulin isn’t enough all by itself.

Holy crap. I’ve turned into a bowl of TOXIC SOUP.

Sam is asleep in the family room pretending to watch a bunch of “Deadliest Catch” reruns so maybe this is a good time to sneak a quick shower before he wakes up. Tomorrow’s agenda includes grocery shopping and Sam promised to assemble the new rolling laundry sorter I bought last month — pictured below for your possible interest — because my old one pretty much bit the dust.

We’re also planning to watch a couple of classic Walter Huston movies tomorrow ... The Devil and Daniel Webster (1941) and Dodsworth (1936). These are two of our all-time favorites. If you’d like to join us I’m making grilled cheese for dinner with a side order of Vlasic pickles.

The cast of Dodsworth also includes Mary Astor — we love Mary Astor! — and David Niven. Thank you for reading this.

Einsteins walk among us.

Good morning, boys and girls. It’s Friday the 13th in Howdygramland, a “holiday” that means absolutely nothing to me whatsoever and therefore I have zero plans to alter any of my daily activities, which include: 1) making the bed; 2) eating beet borscht; 3) stain removal; and 4) writing this post.

Breaking news. I started injecting 16 units of Lantus insulin last night at bedtime. This is not particularly exciting, per se, but it’s a life-changing event for a person with type 2 diabetes because I have to test my blood sugar four times a day now. That’s a lot. And the damn testing supplies cost more than my medication.

On a lighter note, Arby’s is announcing FREE CURLY FRIES — no purchase necessary — at all of their restaurants on Income Tax Day, April 17. Free curly fries is a fine idea but the Howdygram strongly recommends that you avoid Arby’s pre-chewed roast beef sandwiches. Even Horsey Sauce can’t save them. (Why is this chain still in business?)

I’d like to talk about a local Einstein for a minute, okay? Meet Oliver Johnson (see below), Einstein extraordinaire, who burglarized a perfume store at the Allen Premium Outlet Mall early Sunday morning around 5 a.m., loaded his pickup with hundreds of bottles of designer fragrances and sped away. Unfortunately, he was spotted by a security guard, who called 911.

Police caught up with Johnson heading southbound on I-75 and chased him at speeds exceeding 100 m.p.h. through Allen, Plano, Richardson and into Dallas, where he eventually bailed out of his truck and ran like a maniac, dropping his photo I.D. At this point the police know who he is and where he lives, retrieve his vehicle and all the merchandise he’d stolen, and didn’t even have to work very hard to apprehend him. The following morning Einstein calls police headquarters to report his abandoned getaway vehicle stolen, so they tell him they have his truck if he wants to come on down and pick it up. Guess what happened next.

I have to empty the dryer now. Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

Dental x-rays, brain cancer and Yu.

For the latest on Marcy’s Adventures in Diabetesland, I am now an official insulin junkie. This afternoon Dr. M prescribed Lantus, a once-a-day insulin pen injection at a dose I’ll increase in increments until we get my blood sugar under control. I’m okay with this, mostly because I have no choice and also because we’ve already tried every other non-insulin medication on the market. To celebrate, as soon as I got home I ordered a pile of diabetes supplies from Amazon.com — nobody’s cheaper than Amazon! — including a box of 100 8mm pen needles, 100 FreeStyle Lite test strips and a new FreeStyle Lite glucose meter because my old one is getting crappy.

Show of hands. Did anybody besides me notice the news story yesterday about bitewing dental x-rays causing BRAIN CANCER? Apparently a study from Yale University indicates that individuals over the age of 57 may develop meningioma from x-rays taken when they were children, at a time more than 40 years ago when x-ray film was slow and radiation was delivered at a dose equivalent to Chernobyl. Holy crap. All my life dentists have been draping me with that stupid lead apron … and now I find out they should have thrown it over my head. I probably glow in the dark and don’t even know it.

Here’s some breaking news from Dallas. Anybody ever heard of Yu Darvish? He’s the Texas Rangers’ new wonder child, a skinny little Japanese pitcher who looks like a GIRL. The locals are making waaay too much out of this weird little dude, sports columnists refuse to write about anything else, and I, for one, am already sick of reading about him her whatever. Seriously, does he look strange, or what?

I am thrilled to report that fame whore Khloe Kardashian — repulsive middle sister of the infamous Kardashian klan — will soon be moving out of Dallas because her husband, former basketball star Lamar Odom, has “parted ways” with the Dallas Mavericks. (This is a polite way to announce that he got his ass fired for being pathetic.) Khloe and Lamar will return to Los Angeles later this month to continue their fading career in reality TV and pose for additional pointless pictures.

I think my China City delivery guy just showed up. Thank you for reading this.

Newt Gingrich can’t balance a checkbook but wants us to think he can run the United States.

A couple of quick thoughts before I head off to bed. First, I’d like to acknowledge the three lottery winners in Maryland — a trio of Einstein schoolteachers — who shared a $218 million jackpot and “vow to continue working.” What the hell. Are they INSANE? If you just won $73 million would you show up at school the next day to stand on your feet for seven hours and teach somebody else’s snotty kids? Seriously? I think I’d rather start packing for a six-month world cruise.

Second, somebody PLEASE remind me to listen to Sam from now on, okay? Last night’s dinner at the Asian buffet might have been a better experience if the restaurant actually had some breathing customers. At 6 p.m. — prime-time for dinner — there were maybe a dozen diners in a space designed for 200, and I’m positive most of the food had been sitting on the steam tables since lunch. Even if it’s cheap nobody wants to eat rubber dumplings, sad sushi, chewy fish or rock-hard bits of chicken floating in oil with wedges of sodden zucchini. The only “standouts” — a term I use loosely here — were some stuffed mushrooms and a mediocre spring roll. Sam ate two crab wontons, a scoop of fried rice and seven cubes of cherry Jello. My total overall review in a word: NOT SO GREAT. (That’s actually three words. Sue me.)

Breaking news from the world of Republican politics! Rick Santorum, the Satanic, misogynist birth control cop from the state of Pennsylvania, has finally decided to end his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination. Thank you, Rick. Adios, goodbye and good riddance.

Unfortunately, Newt Gingrich — that full-time narcissist, egomaniacal blowhard and eternal optimist — continues to plod along with no money, no staff and no supporters. As a matter of fact, according to a report tonight on ABC News’ website Gingrich probably won’t appear on the Utah primary ballot because his campaign paid the $500 filing fee with a RUBBER CHECK. Sure sounds promising, doesn’t it? He can’t balance a checkbook but he wants us to think he can run the United States. Holy crap.

Here are some historical photos of Newt for your possible interest. I found them on a blog called Newt’s Face that’s put together by a dude who’s really into Photoshop.

And now, at last, it’s finally time to hit the sack. Thank you for reading this!

Yee-haw! Wontons, fried rice and beet borscht!

Let’s talk about meds for a minute, shall we? Once again I’m on the verge of another life-changing medical event. My blood sugar had been creeping steadily higher since I started injecting a seriously overpriced type 2 diabetes “designer” drug called Victoza four months ago. When I saw Dr. M last week for a routine visit and lab work we hoped I might be able to go back to Metformin, a generic pill that did a great job with my blood sugar level, but a 24-hour wee-wee test confirmed that my kidney function is still declining slightly, and since Metformin is hard on the kidneys — and since I’ve already tried every other oral medication on the market — the only possible option left at this point is INSULIN. And that’s what’s happening tomorrow at 1:30 when I go back to see Dr. M.

In the meantime, as a “last meal” I just conned Sam into dinner at a new Asian buffet here in Mesquite. He generally hates Asian buffets, but this one’s getting terrific reviews online and they keep sending us coupons so he agreed to give it a shot. They even have sushi (Sam loves sushi) and they’re really close to home on Town East Boulevard.

Another possibility would be the other new Asian buffet on Gus Thomasson Road, but their website sucks and they’re located in a cheesy strip mall next door to a very grubby Kroger grocery store. For your possible interest, the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the scene of tonight’s dinner, the Asian buffet on Town East; and C) Top’s Buffet next to the grubby Kroger.

We’ll go to dinner as soon as Sam wakes up from his nap (he’s been asleep on top of the bed since 4:30) and when we get home I’m having BEET BORSCHT for dessert because UPS delivered my shipment from Manischewitz today. Yee-haw! Wontons, fried rice and beet borscht!

Thank you for reading this.

Life just doesn’t offer enough opportunities to eat cold pink soup.

Before I get busy folding sheets I thought I’d provide a live update from the Howdygram’s Manischewitz beet borscht cam … my delivery is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon via UPS! This is positively thrilling on a number of different levels, including: 1) I haven’t had beet borscht for at least 10 years; 2) beet borscht is fun and tasty; and 3) when you add sour cream it turns PINK, and life just doesn’t offer enough opportunities to eat cold pink soup!

You, too, should be eating beet borscht. You can buy it in your local market or order yours online here, like I do. Thank you.

I’m annoyed to report that every day I seem to creep a little farther away from retirement. Out of the blue I landed yet another new website client today, the owners of a wedding venue in South Carolina. As soon as I get the go-ahead I’ll send them my standard contract to sign. And as long as I’m on the subject, you can check out the new website I launched last week for Gardenia’s Custom Cakes & Catering. Like it?

A quick reminder ... the new season of “Deadliest Catch” premiers Tuesday night on the Discovery Channel, where you can enjoy all the daffy hijinks of crab fishermen on the Bering Sea. This series is best viewed in high-definition, so please take advantage of this advance notice to run out and buy yourself a fancy new TV if you don’t already have one. I also strongly recommend wearing warm socks. Seriously.

Thanks so much for stopping by tonight.

Bubba wins. Pass the kleenex.

Ah, Sunday! Sam and I briefly thought about going out to brunch this morning but changed our minds at the last minute when we realized it’s Easter and restaurants would be crowded with church people. So instead we had a couple of nice little thunderstorms and watched Bubba Watson win the 2012 Masters in a sudden death playoff, after which he cried like a little girl all over his caddy, his mother, two Augusta National ushers, a groundskeeper, the parking lot valet and assorted fans. We get it, Bubba. You’re happy. Take your green jacket and go home now.

Speaking of thunderstorms ... you might be interested in these amazing video clips of “apocalyptic” hail in suburban Coppell during Dallas’ huge tornado outbreak on April 3.









The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) the town of Coppell; and C) Dallas Fort Worth International Airport, where more than 150 planes were severely damaged by baseball-size hail ... and most of them are still grounded. In case you’re wondering, Mesquite only received teeny hail the size of M&Ms. (The kind without peanuts.)

Late in the afternoon on Saturday following a very juicy nap — during which I slept through most of round three of the Masters — I convinced Sam to take me for a ride into Dallas for our annual pilgrimmage to Eatzi’s, where we loaded up on a carefully-chosen cartful of gourmet whatnots such as chopped liver, ancho chicken quesadillas, a couple of salmon croquettes, apple kugel and marinated mozzarella balls. Yum, damn it!

Eatzi’s is a cross between Whole Foods, Central Market and Bristol Farms. It’s a ritzy little store with free cheese samples and people named Jason and Chad running around in chef hats. You have to be considerably well-off to shop there. I mean, who else would spend $12.99 for a pound of tuna salad. I’m just saying.

And now for something completely different! My brilliant Sam invented crazy soda flavors for me today using my DaVinci sugar-free syrups and an ordinary bottle of cold seltzer water! So far I’ve made banana soda and raspberry soda and both of them were REALLY INCREDIBLE. So I just went to DaVinci’s website and ordered three more syrups — Watermelon, Chocolate and another bottle of Banana so I can’t run out — plus four handy-dandy pumps.

Time to watch the second half of The Ten Commandments, which we recorded last night on ABC. The first half was glorious, cheesy, fun and hysterically theatrical. Part two will include all the really good stuff, such as the plagues of Egypt, Charlton Heston parting the Red Sea and that goofy burning bush. I’m definitely making popcorn. Thank you for reading this.

Tonight at 7 it’s “The Ten Commandments,” that classic Passover spectacular.

It’s the wee hours of Saturday morning, Sam’s asleep, and here I am hanging out with the Howdygram and a nice Marcy-tini without ice because the dispenser makes too damn much noise at this hour.

For all you weather nerds out there, the National Weather Service has just confirmed two additional tornadoes during the wild weather extravaganza here on April 3. There was also a tornado in southwestern Denton County and another near in the teeny ranch town of Poetry, bringing the total count to 16. I’m not sure how to break this news to Sam because he loves Poetry and once had a brief yet meaningful relationship there with a steer he named — wait for it — “Longhorny.” Sam and Longhorny are pictured below, bonding back in January 2009.

Just in case you haven’t been watching the Masters tournament at Augusta National, Tiger is sucking considerably after the first two rounds. In a tie for 40th place, he was seen acting like a jerk — including profanity and kicking his 9-iron — after screwing up on the 16th. I’m seriously surprised that the PGA doesn’t fine him for crap like this. Nobody wants to watch a professional athlete act like a crybaby on national television. I’ve been a Tiger fan for years but he’s really on my last nerve now. Thank you for listening.

Breaking news from the wonderful world of television! Tonight on ABC be sure to watch The Ten Commandments, that classic Passover spectacular from 1956 starring Charlton Heston, Yul Brynner, Anne Baxter, fabulous wigs and a cast of thousands.

The movie starts at 7 p.m. Central time, so make yourself a nice matzo omelette and enjoy the show. Click here for our favorite recipe.

I received some happy news from AARP last night, this time “How to Fight Dementia with Tasty Foods.” The aforementioned tasty foods — which don’t sound particularly tasty in any way whatsoever — include: 1) beans; 2) citrus fruit; 3) almonds; 4) oily fish (blecch); 5) spinach; 6) coffee; and 7) vitamin D in milk, soy and eggs. For some inexplicable reason, missing from this list are baloney, Vlasic pickles, beet borscht, Mongolian chicken and Loma Linda fake meat in a can. I am, in a word, devastated.

Thank you for reading this.

The Howdygram’s First Annual Gefilte Fish Festival, tomorrow at noon.

Shalom, howdy, how’s the family and Passover greetings to friends, relatives and gefilte fish fans throughout the world. You know who you are! Sam and I aren’t especially gung-ho about holidays unless they involve large quantities of food, which explains why I’m writing a Howdygram post at sundown and he’s asleep on the patio. Oy.

Our new V-Tech cordless phones were delivered today and I know you can’t wait to find out how they’re doing! Set-up was easy, you can choose from a pile of ringtones that range from ordinary to seriously irritating — think gestapo siren — and the buttons are huge and light up so senior citizens can see them in the dark. I have no idea if the audio is any good because nobody ever calls us, but we’re ready just in case.

For your possible interest our weekend activities will include: 1) the Howdygram’s First Annual Gefilte Fish Festival, planned for Saturday at noon in the family room with extra horseradish; 2) tracking my beet borscht shipment from Manischewitz; 3) folding socks; and 4) cooking Sam his favorite matzo omelette (see recipe) because he has zero interest in borscht or gefilte fish, with or without a festival.

Thank you for reading this.

Gefilte fish. The other white meat.

Oy! In honor of Passover, which begins at sundown Friday, please allow me to post the following brand new photos of my great-nephew Cooper, 3 months old, who’s the cutest little matzo ball I’ve seen in years. I think he looks exactly like his father, although I’ve never seen Greg posing in a red inner tube with booties so it’s hard to say for sure.

And now I’d like to say a few words about gefilte fish, my #1 favorite Passover weakness. I love this stuff! I sent Sam to Tom Thumb this week to pick up six big jars for me on sale at $2.99 each — that’s about 60% off — plus a stockpile of horseradish so there’s no chance I’ll run out.

The gefilte fish cupcake pictured above is real ... but not actually “dessert.” I saw the recipe online. It’s just smooshed-up store-bought gefilte fish baked in cupcake tins with horseradish cream frosting. I don’t know about you, but I find this picture strangely exciting.

For the record, my #2 Passover weakness is beet borscht, which is impossible to find anywhere in Dallas because the local Jim-Bobs have no conception of anything that’s even remotely “ethnic” unless it’s a taco. So yesterday I ordered myself two big jars — sugar-free! — from the Manischewitz website. I like my borscht ice cold with a glob of sour cream mixed in. How about you?

A quick reminder to those of you with an interest in fine television programming! The new season of “Deadliest Catch” premiers April 10 on the Discovery Channel, and the season four trashfest of “Real Housewives of New Jersey” begins April 22 on Bravo. Thank you for reading this.

Hairy armpits, invisible sandwiches and a high-definition tour of Heaven.

Contrary to the final paragraph in my last post we did NOT end up at Mariano’s Hacienda for dinner tonight because the lot was so crowded we couldn’t find a place to park. So we decided to head back to Mesquite to check out the Black-eyed Pea, which was even worse than Mariano’s. Although I was tempted to just go home and eat gefilte fish we eventually wound up at Denny’s.

Now don’t get me wrong. Although Sam and I like Denny’s and always enjoy their cheap senior citizens menu, tonight we happened to pick the wrong restaurant ... the one that’s across the street from Town East Mall. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) Denny’s at Belt Line Road and I-30 (our favorite); C) Denny’s at Belt Line Road and  Route 80 (our second-favorite); and D) Denny’s across from Town East Mall, which sucks.

This evening the main dining room — a concept I use loosely here — was filled with big greasy dudes with tank tops and tattoos and a couple of screaming kids trying to turn nachos into hand cream. The aforementioned dudes were especially disturbing, as I have a serious aversion to hairy armpits in restaurants. To put it delicately, they make me want to puke. Fortunately this didn’t turn out to be an issue since I never got my food. Sam was already finished with his Senior Scrambled Eggs when I signaled our waiter to cancel my invisible sandwich and bring us the check. The manager felt so lousy about what happened that she packed up my dinner to go and didn’t charge us.

Incidentally, I ate when I got home. The only armpits in sight belonged to Sam, which is fine with me because Sam has excellent armpits.

A quick reminder. Don’t forget to watch The Masters — go Tiger! — starting tomorrow at Augusta National in Atlanta. The first two rounds will be broadcast on ESPN; CBS will air rounds three and four on Saturday and Sunday.

For the record, professional golf is an awesome background sport on TV if you plan to take an extended nap because everybody whispers like on “Bowling for Dollars” and the course at Augusta is so exquisite in high-definition it’s like taking a tour of Heaven.

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

Cordless phones can’t swim.

In case you’ve ever stayed up all night wondering about this, cordless phones can’t swim. And so it is with great sadness that I report a casualty at Howdygram headquarters from yesterday’s massive tornado outbreak here in the Dallas metro area. Sam accidentally left one of our cordless phone handsets out on the patio to drown and get pummeled by hailstones. But I suppose I should admit this is no big deal whatsoever because I always hated the damn thing!

We bought this crappy Panasonic cordless when we moved into our house five years ago but didn’t realize until after we unpacked the equipment and set up the base unit and both handsets that A VOICE ANNOUNCES THE INCOMING CALLER’S NAME AND PHONE NUMBER after every ring ... and there’s no way to make it stop. I read Panasonic’s manual cover to cover at least a dozen times and their 800-number help line was equally useless. But none of this matters any more because thanks to the aforementioned drowning I just ordered us a new set of 100% non-verbal V-Tech cordless phones from Amazon that shipped immediately from their Kansas distribution center and will be delivered here TOMORROW. Oy. Is this incredible, or what?

And now I think I’d better get myself ready because I’m starving and Sam wants to have dinner at Mariano’s Hacienda. This is a brilliant idea and well worth the effort of wearing a bra. Thank you for reading this.

Great video clips of rain, hail and a scary twister.

Hi, boys and girls. Because so many of you have emailed or called in the last few hours to ask if Sam and I survived the monster tornado outbreak in Dallas today, I thought I’d post the following videos from YouTube for your possible interest. The first shows torrential rain and hail this afternoon at Dallas Fort Worth Airport; the second follows a tornado in southeast Dallas that’s heading north toward Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite. (It eventually turned right instead and squashed Forney, about 15 minutes away.)





The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) the town of Forney. Apparently there were two tornadoes in Forney today that managed to demolish an entire subdivision, Forney high school and an elementary school. There’s no word yet if the cattle survived or not. (Forney has a LOT of cattle.)

And now it’s time to fold some laundry and annoy Sam, who’s been unconscious in the family room for at least two hours. Thanks for stopping by.

A tornado outbreak in Dallas and 18-wheelers heading for Oz.

If you’ve ever wondered what the phrase “wild west” really means, come hang out at Howdygram headquarters with Sam and me next time there’s severe weather. Today was definitely one for the record books. For the last three hours we’ve been slammed with relentless thunderstorms, tornadoes, hail, torrential rain and wailing sirens. Sam — who’s at home today — monitored the skies for us by vaulting back and forth from the patio to the front door, and a couple of times he even ushered us into the “safe room” (the walk-in closet in our master suite) with beverages and a lantern, just in case. We didn’t lose power here and a tornado didn’t touch down in Mesquite (as far as I know), but there’s plenty of damage all around us. Please see the photos below — courtesy of a local news website — for your possible interest.

Incidentally, it’s still thundering and raining as I write this post ... and it’s so dark outside you’d think it’s 10 p.m. instead of 5 in the afternoon. Holy crap. It’s enough to make a girl want Loma Linda fake meat in a can and Vlasic pickles for dinner.

In other news, it seems that “Octomom” Nadya Suleman has been approved to receive food stamps from the state of California, a development that’s drawing death threats and mass hysteria on the Internet. The mother of 14 will receive $2,000 per month in public assistance on a debit card that can only be used to buy food. She can, however, fund additional plastic surgery and fertility treatments with the $8,000 she received for posing topless for a British tabloid.

And I guess that’s about all for now, okay? I want to keep Sam company in the family room for a while and think about my next meal. Thank you for reading this.

God bless gefilte fish. It’s the single best reason on earth to eat horseradish.

As April Fool’s Day draws to a close I don’t mind admitting this was a mighty strange Sunday not counting what I had for dinner — Thai basil chicken, Vlasic pickles and a banana milkshake — or the fact that Sam didn’t care that I watched this week’s episode of “Mad Men” while he was still in the room. We actually both spent most of the day sleeping and eventually dragged ourselves out of the house for a nice ride in the northern suburbs that included an unexpected drive-by past Southfork Ranch.

I also did some ordering today, as in shopping, which included a nice Anchor Hocking gravy boat from Amazon.com and a set of glass platters and bowls — on sale cheap! — from Mikasa.com. In case you’re wondering why the big hoo-hah, it’s because Sam invited a couple of friends for dinner this month and I don’t think a seasoned hostess like me should serve baloney sandwiches and Rice-a-Roni from styrofoam plates and plastic mixing bowls. (Stop laughing. We never have company.) In case you’re wondering, I don’t have a photo of my new glass gravy boat. Use your imagination, okay?

So here’s what’s happening this week in Howdygramland! I’ve got a routine doctor appointment Tuesday morning at 9:15, the Masters golf tournament runs from Thursday through Sunday — go Tiger! — and Passover starts at sundown Friday, so you’d better get your damn gefilte fish already. I’ll have to haul myself over to Tom Thumb tomorrow because that’s the closest supermarket with a Kosher aisle. (Actually, it’s maybe half an aisle.) I also wouldn’t mind some sugar-free beet borscht if they have any.

God bless gefilte fish. It’s the single best reason on earth to eat horseradish.

Sam has been in bed since 11:30. I’d be smart to join him but I honestly think I’d rather raid the refrigerator and watch a movie because all of a sudden I’m really hungry and dying for a little entertainment ... unless you’d like to break into song for me. (Okay, maybe not.) Thank you for reading this.