Hairy armpits, invisible sandwiches and a high-definition tour of Heaven.

Contrary to the final paragraph in my last post we did NOT end up at Mariano’s Hacienda for dinner tonight because the lot was so crowded we couldn’t find a place to park. So we decided to head back to Mesquite to check out the Black-eyed Pea, which was even worse than Mariano’s. Although I was tempted to just go home and eat gefilte fish we eventually wound up at Denny’s.

Now don’t get me wrong. Although Sam and I like Denny’s and always enjoy their cheap senior citizens menu, tonight we happened to pick the wrong restaurant ... the one that’s across the street from Town East Mall. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) Denny’s at Belt Line Road and I-30 (our favorite); C) Denny’s at Belt Line Road and  Route 80 (our second-favorite); and D) Denny’s across from Town East Mall, which sucks.

This evening the main dining room — a concept I use loosely here — was filled with big greasy dudes with tank tops and tattoos and a couple of screaming kids trying to turn nachos into hand cream. The aforementioned dudes were especially disturbing, as I have a serious aversion to hairy armpits in restaurants. To put it delicately, they make me want to puke. Fortunately this didn’t turn out to be an issue since I never got my food. Sam was already finished with his Senior Scrambled Eggs when I signaled our waiter to cancel my invisible sandwich and bring us the check. The manager felt so lousy about what happened that she packed up my dinner to go and didn’t charge us.

Incidentally, I ate when I got home. The only armpits in sight belonged to Sam, which is fine with me because Sam has excellent armpits.

A quick reminder. Don’t forget to watch The Masters — go Tiger! — starting tomorrow at Augusta National in Atlanta. The first two rounds will be broadcast on ESPN; CBS will air rounds three and four on Saturday and Sunday.

For the record, professional golf is an awesome background sport on TV if you plan to take an extended nap because everybody whispers like on “Bowling for Dollars” and the course at Augusta is so exquisite in high-definition it’s like taking a tour of Heaven.

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.