Four undeniably exciting events. Seriously.

Sam’s happy feet. Here’s something for the thrill-seekers among you. I ordered Sam a pair of shiny new shoes this morning on Zappos.com, and we’ve never bought shoes for him online before!

These attractive Bostonian loafers feature excellent arch supports and 83 five-star customer reviews. The price is a little higher than DSW’s website, but the number one reason to shop on Zappos — for those of you who haven’t read any of my previous shopping posts for the last few years — is their truly beautiful SERVICE, which includes free shipping, free RETURN shipping and zero sales tax. Plus they usually upgrade you to overnight shipping for free. Both of Sam’s feet are very excited, and justifiably so.

Turn in your neighbors for fun and profit. To tell you the truth, there’s no profit in this whatsoever but turning them in was definitely huge fun. The bozo who lives directly south of us must be allergic to lawn mowers because he hasn’t touched his front yard since the first week of May. Fortunately, Mesquite lets sneaky residents like me play 007 on the city’s official website and report code violations any time of the day or night, so I filed my complaint this morning before breakfast, uploaded a digital photo snapped by Sam, and a city inspector showed up at lunch time to glue a warning to our neighbor’s front door! I’m so excited I might drive around the subdivision and report EVERYBODY.

The Howdygram’s answer to “duck and cover.” NASA says its derelict Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite will make its final plunge to Earth on Friday, September 23, when the 20-year-old bus-sized spacecraft is expected to hurl about two dozen chunks of debris on us. Since NASA obviously can’t say exactly when or where on Friday to expect their flying bus chunks, we’re pleased to offer all Howdygram readers an opportunity to purchase our patented one-size-fits-all Bus-Proof Helmet, constructed of quality American-made scrap metal and designed for your temporary comfort.

Incidentally, we didn’t have time to dream up anything for your pets so you might need to consider crafting teeny protective headgear from ordinary household items, as pictured at right. Lemons would work, too.

Time for another trip to Club Meds. Hey, I’ve got a doctor appointment tomorrow morning! Once again we’re trying to get my blood sugar under control because four daily Byetta injections haven’t quite done the job. Dr. M said she’d either switch me to Victoza (another injectable pen that’s twice as expensive) or we’ll finally have to try insulin. To celebrate my good fortune I’m eating Krispy Kremes and a Hershey bar for dinner. (Not really.) Y’all be sure to tune in again for further updates.

Thank you for reading this.