Welcome to Dallas ... un-hip, out of shape and smutty.

Wow. I’ve been sitting at the computer reading all of my favorite news websites — ABC, MSNBC, CNN, Yahoo, the Chicago Tribune, the Dallas Morning News, the Dallas Observer and the Fort Worth Star Telegram — and realized it’s already 4 a.m. and I have no desire whatsoever to go to bed even though Sam’s been unconscious for at least three hours.

What the hell. Happy Memorial Day.

Y’all might be interested to know I’ve discovered a new website — Fab.com — an “Ikealike” marketplace for clever yet reasonably-priced crapola including gifts, gadgets, housewares, artwork, peculiar lamps and furniture. The photo at right features “Beardo,” the knit beanie with a built-in beard designed to keep your face warm. It’s a steal at $28 and available in several go-with-everything colors. I’m considering this for the Howdygram’s official headgear.

I did some online shopping last night to prepare for our road trip next month. Just between us, it used to be a lot more fun to plan for a vacation. In decades past this usually meant researching the nightlife and buying a pile of new clothes and shoes. Now it means wheelchair gloves, an insulin travel cooler and how the hell am I supposed to fit all these pills in my purse. Here’s what I ordered ...

I’m especially excited about the wheelchair push bar (stop laughing) from Wrightstuff.biz that’s designed for tall people, fits over the handles of a wheelchair and adds about seven inches of height. (We don’t want Sam to wind up with a creaky back.) The insulin cooling pouch is really swell, too. It keeps medication “refrigerated” without ice! Apparently you just soak the pouch in water for a few minutes and it keeps the contents cold for up to three days even in extremely hot temperatures. I think this was a great buy at $26.50 from Amazon. I ordered a blue one. I actually wanted red but it cost $2 more for no apparent reason.

You may have noticed that online magazines love to publish bullshit lists that rank cities across the United States on a variety of meaningless and unsubstantiated criteria. Even worse, they all hate Dallas. In recent weeks we ranked #15 on Men’s Health’s 100 Smuttiest Cities in America, the results of which were calculated by the number of adult DVD rentals, dildo sales and strip clubs. And according to Travel+Leisure we just came in dead last on their list of America’s Top 35 Hipster-Friendly Cities due to a shortage of snooty boutiques, dog parks, free wi-fi and Tweet volume. This is actually kind of amusing, however, since the median age of a Travel+Leisure subscriber is 49.5 years. They don’t exactly know how to attract hipsters, either.

But GLORIOSKI ... all is not lost! Dallas just landed in first place on Bundle.com’s study of dining out in America, since we apparently spend 91% more doing this than any other major city in the United States. (It’s not that our restaurants are so terrific; we’re just too busy roping cattle to defrost a chicken for dinner.)

And finally, the data presented above might explain our placement last week at #47 on the American College of Sports Medicine’s Fitness Index, where they point out that Dallas has too many fat diabetics and not enough golf courses, farmer’s markets and baseball diamonds. Also, almost nobody here rides a bicycle to work. Although we do rank high on tennis courts, we don’t use them because it’s 110° outside and we’re probably standing in a buffet line.

Thank you for reading this.