Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Next time somebody in a theater is annoying you, just get up and move your ass to another seat.

In this post: Einstein Award, dinner plans.

The Howdygram hasn’t presented an Einstein Award for a while so this one is definitely long overdue. Our story today is from the Sunshine State — of course — where a grumpy senior citizen named Curtis “Einstein” Reeves, age 71, killed a moviegoer and wounded a bystander with a .38 pistol in a theater in Tampa because the aforementioned moviegoer, Chad Oulson, had been texting during the coming attractions and then threw some popcorn after Reeves complained about him to theater management.

Reeves, a retired cop, is trying to convince police it was a clear case of Florida’s “stand your ground” self-defense law because popcorn can legitimately TERRIFY THE CRAP OUT OF YOU. (This is sarcasm, people. Look at the size of this dude.)

Florida’s stand your ground statute is a ridiculous, over-reaching law — pushed by the state’s NRA lobbyists — stating that anybody can shoot to kill if they reasonably fear for their physical well-being. And law professor Charles Rose says the definition of “reasonably” is exceptionally broad. He told reporters, “Here’s the problem: We’re trying to look into the mind of the defendant and posit what he thought was happening.”
Is he serious? Looking into the mind of a belligerent, beefy ex-cop who comes armed with a gun to a matinee of Lone Survivor shouldn’t be much of a stretch. But then again, this is Florida, home of George Zimmerman, where lawmakers are now considering “warning shots” and “brandishing weapons” to the list of acceptable activities protected by stand your ground.

I’ve got a really helpful idea here. Next time somebody in a theater is annoying you JUST GET UP AND MOVE YOUR ASS TO ANOTHER SEAT. Curtis Reeves’ life wasn’t “threatened” by popcorn. At worst this was just a case of assault and buttery.

Here’s some local breaking news for you. Sam is working a very early shift today and should be home from the office by 7:30 p.m. if all goes well and he gets out on time. He’s NEVER home on weeknights, and this is so confusing I don’t know what to do with myself. Therefore I need answers to all of the following questions:
  1. Am I supposed to make dinner?
  2. What time should I take my shower?
  3. Will I still get to watch “Hardcore Pawn” at 8 o’clock?
  4. Should I ask Sam to help me fold socks? (They’re HIS, by the way.)
  5. I can’t think of anything else.
If you have any suggestions please send an email as soon as possible. Thank you.

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