Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The top five most overlooked warning signs that you’re ready to blow somebody’s brains out.

In this post: Divorcing AARP, South African prowlers, a movie review.

I’ve got sort of an addendum to my previous post. I forgot to mention that last night I unsubscribed from AARP’s emails, too! I’d been receiving an average of two or three EVERY DAMN DAY for as long as I can remember and finally got so sick of their annoying messages I wanted to scream. A few of AARP’s typical email subjects included: incessant offers for car insurance, health insurance, marine insurance, Medicare supplements and term life; where to get member discounts on rental cars, pizza, motels, shower caps, prescriptions, lawn mowers, adult bibs, power scooters, douchebags, nail files, laptops, patio awnings and cell phones; the top 10 cities for retirement; why your feet are swollen; learn to protect your money from people who think you’re really old and stupid; how to tell if a cantaloupe is ripe; songs you should be singing; look out for identity theft; six things that can make you itch; how to land the job you want (I don’t want a stinking job! I’M RETIRED, YOU IDIOTS!); eat these foods to fight depression; sex after 60; and the top five most overlooked warning signs that YOU’RE READY TO BLOW SOMEBODY’S BRAINS OUT. You get my drift, right?

Show of hands! Are any of you following the Oscar Pistorius trial in South Africa? In case you have no idea who I’m talking about, Oscar Pistorius is the hot-tempered paralympic Einstein who shot his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, to death through a closed bathroom door while she was on the toilet in the middle of the night and then told Pretoria police HE THOUGHT SHE WAS A PROWLER. Because that’s what prowlers do, right? Before they steal the TV, jewelry and microwave they always lock themselves in the can to take a dump! (Maybe it’s a South African thing?) In any event, I don’t think the judge is buying Oscar’s defense, neighbors are telling tales, Oscar is up shit’s creek and his friends are starting to jump ship. Hot damn! Watch this space for regular updates.
It’s 11:15 p.m. and Sam is obviously working late again tonight because he should have been home two hours ago. Duh. Therefore, to amuse myself in the meantime I think I’ll pour a nice tall Marcytini and watch TV. I’ve got Dodsworth on the DVR, a magnificent film from 1936 based on a Sinclair Lewis novel of the same name starring Walter Huston, Ruth Chatterton and Mary Astor. Dodsworth is probably the best film you’ve never heard of, nominated for five Academy Awards including best actor for Huston, best director for William Wyler and best picture. It’s one of our all-time favorites here at Howdygram headquarters ... AND THE ENDING IS REALLY INCREDIBLE.
Thank you for reading this.

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