Crapola deliveries and sauteed armadillos.

Hello from Texas, y’all. It’s 103° here this afternoon, and that’s certifiably hot enough to fry an armadillo on the sidewalk ... although most of us prefer them lightly sautéed with a side of cole slaw. (If you’re on a diet you can use Pam instead of butter.)

Just in case you’re interested I thought I’d provide a brief rundown of the deliveries I’m expecting tomorrow via UPS! This will include all of the following, in no particular order of importance: 1) two cans of Bisto chicken gravy granules; 2) six bags of Bear Creek Hot & Sour Soup Mix; 3) a couple of styrofoam wig heads; and 4) 11 boxes of Streit’s Potato Pancake Mix from — of all places — Soap.com. Items 1 through 3 are from Amazon.

Next week I’ll receive an order I placed this morning with Shelf Reliance for another supply of fantastic freeze-dried crapola.

Pictured above are Thrive Freeze-Dried Mushroom Pieces and Taco Textured Vegetable Protein (TVP). Sam and I love this stuff. Our favorite is the Taco TVP (this time I ordered two gigantic cans) because it cooks in two minutes (boil water, add product) and tastes exactly like the taco filling you’d get at a fast food place ... except this stuff is actually HEALTHY with almost no fat and lots of fiber and protein. Plus it’s also cheap. Their big #10 can (47 servings) is only $15.

The Freeze-Dried Mushroom Pieces are pretty damn wonderful, too. Just soak them in cold water for about two minutes and you end up with adorable mushroom slices to use for damn near anything except maybe lemon meringue pie.

Breaking news from the Hollywood scandal sheets! Apparently the “Octomom” (Nadya Suleman) is making headlines again. Since posing topless, starring in a porn film and stripping at gentlemen’s club in Florida this year didn’t bring in enough cash to support her 14 offspring, cash-strapped Octomom is turning to her fans — holy crap, she has fans? — for financial aid. She recently set up a website asking for donations to raise $150,000 because her house is in foreclosure and she’ll have to vacate with her three-ring circus in tow by mid-August. Judging from the condition of the property (there was an exposé a couple of months ago) they’ll probably have to burn it to the ground when she leaves. Photos posted online showed holes punched in walls, a broken bathroom barricaded by chairs, children pooping in little potties on the patio, graffiti on the walls and shredded carpet. I’ll bet the neighborhood is hosting a block party the day after she moves out.

Thank you, as always, for reading this.