Here’s something frightening. I ordered myself a bathing suit today.

I’ll begin this post with breaking news from our Fifteen Minutes of Fame department. Former “child star” actor and reformed drug addict Todd Bridges and his wife have filed for divorce after 14 years of marriage. Just between us, it’s almost impossible to give a crap about this.

In other news, I placed an order today for more Taco TVP (textured vegetable protein) from Shelf Reliance. This stuff is AMAZING AS HELL. It’s really inexpensive, rehydrates in THREE MINUTES and actually tastes like — and is almost as slimy as — the beef filling from Taco Bell! It’s fabulous wrapped in a low-carb flour tortilla with hot sauce and a fistful of shredded cheese. Sam loves it, too, except he prefers normal tortillas. I ordered two four-pound drums to make sure we don’t run out for the rest of our natural lives.

Here’s something frightening. In anticipation of our big road trip next month I ordered myself a BATHING SUIT, pictured below for your possible interest.

It was only $20.99 on sale for 30% off plus an extra 40% discount with a promotion code. I really don’t mind horsing around in a hotel pool when I’m vacationing in another state, the bathing suit is dirt cheap and nobody knows who the hell I am. And not wanting Sam to feel neglected, I ordered him a pair of black trunks so he won’t be tempted just to sit on a deck chair and laugh his ass off.

I just decided to celebrate TVP, new swimwear and Todd Bridges’ lousy marriage by ordering dinner from China City. Thank you for reading this.