Loma Linda Big Franks are a soy-based hotdog substitute for people who sincerely enjoy crap like this.

Glorioski! My Big Franks will be here today! I can’t wait to get them even though I have no idea what these screwy mockdogs actually taste like. A reviewer named Lauren on Amazon.com writes the following:

I nearly had a happygasm when I found Loma Linda products on Amazon! Big Franks are wonderful cut up, fried, and added to omelets or diced with potatoes or macaroni. They’re also good ground up with onions and salt or shred them, mix with mayo and have a tuna salad substitute. You can also just eat them like hot dogs even though they don’t really taste like hotdogs.

Lauren totally lost me with those whacked-out recipes because I’ll probably just eat mine straight out of the can or dunk them in mustard. I bought a case of 12 cans. That’s a hell of a lot of mockdogs.

In case you missed my post from a couple of days ago, Loma Linda Big Franks are a soy-based vegetarian hotdog substitute for people — like me — who sincerely enjoy crap like this. Amazon sells the entire line of Loma Linda’s fake meat in cans, including fake “fried chik’n,” fake “Swiss stakes,” fake “skallops,” fake “choplets” and so on.

Other deliveries expected today include a crate of sugar-free flavored syrups from DaVinci Gourmet and possibly my recent orders from SoupsOnline and Shelf Reliance. (It’s hard to tell because they don’t send you any useful tracking information.) My new wheelchair accessories will be definitely be here tomorrow.

For your possible interest, this is Joel McCrea month on TCM ... an event you shouldn’t miss because he’s one of my all-time favorite actors, right up there at the top with William Holden. TCM is showing Joel McCrea’s films every Wednesday in May starting with three of his best comedies tomorrow night (times shown are Central).

• Sullivan’s Travels (1941) at 7 p.m. with Veronica Lake.
• The Palm Beach Story (1942) at 8:45 p.m. with Claudette Colbert and Mary Astor. (We LOVE Mary Astor.)
• The More the Merrier (1943) at 10:30 p.m. with Jean Arthur and Charles Coburn.

These are followed by some of McCrea’s comedies from the 1930s, including The Richest Girl in the World, Woman Chases Man, Bed of Roses and Kept Husbands. I honestly can’t remember if I’ve seen all of these or not so I programmed my DVR to record EVERYTHING.

I think I’m finally ready for lunch, so thanks for stopping by and say hi to the family for me, okay?