Victorian-Vampires-Meet-Hasidic-Jews ... fashion for the 21st century.

For those of you who missed the big finale last night, goofy little Mondo won “Project Runway All Stars.” This time it was easy enough to predict, since Michael showed half a dozen dopey animal print outfits you could buy at Penney’s 10 years ago and the theme of Austin’s collection was Victorian Vampires Meet Hasidic Jews. He even instructed the hair stylist to give his models sideburn curls. I kid you not.

To illustrate my point I’m pleased to provide examples of the aforementioned losing fashion collections, although Austin’s insane pink knickers (see below) would be perfect for shoplifting TicTacs and disposable razors at Wal-Mart in Brooklyn. I’m just saying.

In other entertainment news, Sam and I watched a crappy science fiction movie this morning called X: The Unknown (1956) starring Dean Jagger as Dr. Adam Royston and nobody else you ever heard of except for Anthony Newley in a bit part. The basic plot is, near a remote Army base in Scotland the ground cracks open and a mysterious vapor starts killing Einsteins who get too close. Local genius scientist Dean Jagger decides the crack is a “bottomless pit” — he definitely knows this for sure, right? — and the vapor has to be radiation. As a matter of fact, it’s not long before a growing blob of RADIOACTIVE PANCAKE BATTER starts oozing its way all over the countryside, feeding on energy from Dean Jagger’s lab, terrifying the citizens and heading towards an experimental nuclear power station for “the biggest meal of its life.” In the meantime everybody’s running around with geiger counters and soldiers are shooting the batter with pistols, prompting Dean Jagger to philosophize: “This is basically just mud. How do you kill mud?”

In the photo directly above, from left to right, are three people I don’t know plus Dean Jagger. (Nice hat.)

Sam is still at the office. He has no idea what time he’s coming home so I’ve decided to park myself in the family room and eat things, beginning with homemade tomato soup. This is a dorky recipe I invented myself because canned tomato soup is loaded with corn syrup and I’m diabetic. Therefore, I heat up two 15-ounce cans of diced tomatoes — the kind with onions and celery — plus a wallop of cayenne pepper and seven packages of Equal. As soon as it simmers I pour in two teaspoons of corn starch mixed with ¼-cup of nonfat milk, and voilá ... Marcy’s Amazing Sugar-Free Cream of Tomato Soup!

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.