UPS drivers are a bunch of whiny little girls.

In this post: Constipated deliveries.

So here’s the thing. Apparently UPS’s distribution facilities in the Dallas/Fort Worth area remain seriously constipated due to last week’s ice storm. Package deliveries, including two of mine, are backed up all over the damn place, so UPS has reassigned 2,000 extra employees — let’s think of them as human suppositories — from across the U.S. to get things moving again. Stuck somewhere in the backlog are my glass stacking canisters from Anchor Hocking and Sam’s new underpants from Amazon. Both deliveries should have been here on Tuesday. In a word, I’m REALLY CRUSHED. (Okay, two words.)

For the record, FedEx had to deal with the same ice storm crap in Dallas/Fort Worth as UPS but they managed to catch up on late deliveries six hours later. Personally, I think UPS drivers are a bunch of whiny little girls. I’m just saying.

In other breaking news just received by email, RUSSELL STOVER IS HAVING A HOLIDAY SALE. Click here to buy tasty marshmallow Santas and other essential crapola. They also sell a lot of really nice sugar-free products for chocoholics with diabetes like yours truly. The staff at Howdygram headquarters is especially addicted to Russell Stover’s sugar-free Pecan Delights, sugar-free French Mints and sugar-free Peanut Butter Cups. We will gladly accept your gifts throughout the holiday season so please send an email if you need our shipping address.

Thank you in advance for your generosity. I think I need to go back to bed now.