Meet another terrified, hate-filled little jackass.

You know what? It’s been an awfully long time since the Howdygram’s last Einstein Award so I thought I’d feature anti-LGBT* hate-monger David R. Usher, who’s president of the Center for Marriage Policy (CMP), a division of Renew America PAC, a right-wing Einstein club.

In a frantic 37-paragraph column on Friday in Right Wing Watch, Usher warns that if same-sex marriage ever becomes legal in all 50 states lesbians will trick gay and straight men into fathering their children and turn them into economic slaves. The column was titled “Our Last Chance to Save Traditional Marriage.”

Usher describes a world in which women marry women but keep the fathers of their children around to “combine incomes, double-up on tax-free child support and welfare benefits ... and double the resources available to raise children and run their household,” managing, supposedly, to sponge off of a lesbian wife, a cohabitating boyfriend and the government all at the same time. With lesbians ruling the country, he says, “Men will be forced to labor for the economic benefit of marriages between women ... schools will be aggressively promoting lifestyles that kill or disable children and infect innocent women and babies with HIV.” He also believes that “to dismantle marriage – the most important equal rights institution framed by the Founding Fathers – is to dismantle the Constitution, freedom, and the United States of America.” Holy crap.

Usher is definitely one terrified, hate-filled little jackass, isn’t he? Technically I think he also qualifies to win our Putz of the Week award. Maybe next time, okay?

Sam is on his way to Costco as I write this post to pick up our new prescription glasses. He’s getting his very first pair — progressive bifcocals — and I’m getting the progressives Costco had to re-do because they screwed them up the first time around. We are both unnaturally excited about this and can’t wait to see our dinner tonight clearly for the very first time. Glorioski! Mongolian chicken, up close and personal!

I’d like to send a great big pile of Howdygram love to Sam’s sister Marian, who’s hospitalized in Seattle undergoing procedures to reinflate a collapsed lung. We think Marian’s been through more than enough and deserves to go home and be healthy for the rest of her life.

Thank you for reading this.

*LGBT = Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender. Information source: David Ferguson, RawStory.com.

Senator Vicki Marble thinks blacks and Hispanics are poor because of fried chicken.

I wanted to write a Howdygram post yesterday but didn’t set aside enough time. Actually, that’s not totally true. I had enough time but I preferred instead to take a really long nap and eat things. I’ll do my best to make up for it tonight, okay?

Before I jump into the main focus of this post — my recommendations for the last few days of TCM’s Summer Under the Stars festival — I’m pleased to present our latest Putz of the Week award to Vicki Marble, a deranged GOP state senator in Colorado who implied at a hearing on Wednesday that blacks and Hispanics are poor because of fried chicken.

Marble, who made her remarks while the legislature’s task force was discussing statistics for racial disparity in the poverty rate, said: “When you look at life expectancy, there are problems in the black race: sickle-cell anemia is something that comes up, diabetes is something that’s prevalent in the genetic makeup and you just can’t help it. Although I’ve got to say, I’ve never had better barbecue and better chicken in my life than when you go down south. I love it.”

She also went on to mention “alcoholics, rageoholics, drug addicts, you have people, they say, who are addicted to porn.”

Apparently there was an audible gasp throughout the room, which triggered an immediate response from Democratic state representative Rhonda Fields, who is black. She said to Marble: “The title for this committee is the Economic Opportunity Poverty Reduction Task Force; and I will not tolerate racist and insensitive comments about African Americans. I was highly offended by your remarks. I will not engage in a dialogue where you are using stereotype references about African Americans and chicken. This is not what this committee is about. We’re trying to come up with solutions and it’s not about eating chicken.”

If we want to thin out the number of moron Republicans in government I think there should be an IQ test for anybody who wants to run for elected office. Holy mother of crap.

Tomorrow morning at the crack of 8 a.m. we’ve got a handyman — actually, a handywoman — coming over to re-grout the shower tile in our master bathroom. This is both thrilling and inconvenient on a number of levels, including: 1) new grout will look really swell; 2) how the hell am I supposed to take a shower in the meantime; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. While we wait for the grout to dry Sam can use the shower in our guest bath for a couple of days, but my mobility issues prevent me from doing the same so I’ll have to hang out in the study and be gross until Sunday. (Shut up.)

And now, as promised ... here are my favorite movie picks through the end of August for TCM’s Summer Under the Stars festival.

• ELIZABETH TAYLOR, 8/23. My favorites are: Life with Father (1947) with William Powell and Irene Dunne; Father of the Bride (1950) with Spencer Tracy; Giant (1956) with Rock Hudson; and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958) with Paul Newman and Burl Ives, one of Tennessee Williams’ very best sweaty soap operas set in the deep South. 
• CHARLES COBURN, 8/24. Vivacious Lady (1938) with Ginger Rogers and James Stewart (this one’s a favorite of mine); Bachelor Mother (1939) with Ginger Rogers and David Niven; The More the Merrier (1943) with Jean Arthur and Joel McCrea; and Lured (1947), a whodunit with Lucille Ball and George Sanders. Boris Karloff co-stars as a deranged fashion designer. (Seriously.)
• CLARK GABLE, 8/25. Please check out four really early Gable films co-starring Joan Crawford: Dance, Fools, Dance (1931), Laughing Sinners (1931), Possessed (1931) and Chained (1934). My other favorites today include: Cain and Mabel (1936) with Marion Davies; Test Pilot (1938) with Myrna Loy and Spencer Tracy; Mutiny on the Bounty (1935) with Charles Laughton; and It Happened One Night (1934) with Claudette Colbert.
• JEANNE CRAIN, 8/26. Margie (1946); Apartment for Peggy (1948) with William Holden and Edmund Gwenn; and Pinky (1949) with Ethel Barrymore and Ethel Waters.
• MARTIN BALSAM, 8/27. He was never really a leading man but co-starred in some terrific movies: Seven Days in May (1964) with Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas; The Anderson Tapes (1971) with Sean Connery; The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974) with Robert Shaw and Walter Matthau; and Little Big Man (1970) with Dustin Hoffman.
• SHIRLEY JONES, 8/28. Try not to miss: A Ticklish Affair (1963) with Gig Young; Elmer Gantry (1960) with Burt Lancaster and Jean Simmons; The Courtship of Eddie’s Father (1963) with Glenn Ford; and The Music Man (1962) with Robert Preston. I love The Music Man!
• GLENDA FARRELL, 8/29. Glenda was the original fast-talking dame. Check her out in Little Caesar (1930) with Edward G. Robinson; Gold Diggers of 1935 and Gold Diggers of 1937; six of her best Torchy Blaine movies; and Talk of the Town (1942) with Cary Grant, Jean Arthur and Ronald Colman.
• KIRK DOUGLAS, 8/30. Kirk is usually a little too intense and over-the-top for me, but I always enjoy his performance in these films: Out of the Past (1947), a film noir classic with Robert Mitchum and Jane Greer; and Paths of Glory (1957) with Adolphe Menjou.
• REX HARRISON, 8/31. Great stuff! Don’t miss: Storm in a Teacup (1937) with Vivien Leigh and Cecil Parker; Over the Moon (1940) with Merle Oberon; Unfaithfully Yours (1948), an unforgettable Preston Sturges comedy with Linda Darnell and Rudy Vallee; and My Fair Lady (1964) with Audrey Hepburn.

I’m waiting for some delicious deliveries this week, including that collection of Greek olive tapenades I mentioned in Tuesday’s post, a shitload of sugar-free Russell Stover chocolates and four frozen deep-dish pizzas packed in dry ice from Lou Malnati’s in Chicago. One is a deep-dish pepperoni for Sam, the other three are Malnati’s amazing crustless pizzas, pictured below, which contain NO CARBS because the entire pizza is built on a half-inch thick layer of lean Italian sausage. In case you don’t know why this is such a huge deal, crustless pizza is a diabetic’s dream: I can eat the whole damn thing without raising my blood sugar.

It was nice of you to stop by. I think I’ll take a shower now and wait for Sam to get home from work. I also need food.

The Lone Star State is America’s largest third-world country.

Behold the result of a middle-of-the-night low blood sugar episode. In my glucose-starved delirium I bought a complete set of Greek olive tapenades from Tassos.com and then wasted an hour fantasizing about how many fluffy home-made biscuits will be required to consume the contents of each jar.

I also placed a substantial order yesterday for a variety of Russell Stover’s outstanding sugar-free chocolates, mostly marshmallows, assorted buttercreams, little round caramel thingies and a bag of damn good knockoff York peppermint patties. I’m hoping, of course, that Russell Stover has the good sense to use well-insulated packaging at this time of year or I’ll end up with a carton of expensive brown soup. I wonder which puddle I’d want to eat first.

And now ... some breaking news from the Lone Star State, America’s largest third-world country. Apparently the oil and natural gas boom here has produced some unexpected results. Not only has fracking depleted the state’s dwindling water supply (see yesterday’s post), the oversized vehicles used by energy companies have destroyed our highways. And, since the Einsteins in Austin haven’t appropriated any money for repairs, they’re replacing more than 80 miles of major paved roadways with gravel.

That’s right, people ... GRAVEL ROADS.

On August 19 the Texas Department of Transportation began converting more than 80 miles of paved highways to gravel with a reduced posted speed limit of 30 m.p.h. The funds required for repaving won’t be available until sometime in 2014 providing our elected teabillies in Austin decide to approve a $1 billion appropriation. I won’t hold my breath in the meantime.

Texas is such an embarrassment I want to whack Rick Perry with my cane until he’s unconscious. Except I doubt that anybody would even notice.

This might be an excellent time for an afternoon nap since Sam is on his way to work and I can’t think of anything else to write about. Thank you for reading this!

Please donate if you’re feeling generous. We need all the help we can get.

So here’s the extra post I promised to write after dinner, this time focusing on the stupid yet pathetic high-ranking Republican teabillies of the Lone Star State, Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry and his faithful attorney general and governor-wannabe, Greg Abbott. Both have earned recognition tonight as the Howdygram’s Putz of the Week and Putz In Training, respectively. First up, Tricky Rick.

More than 30 towns in Rick Perry’s beloved west Texas will soon be out of water due to diversion of their underground water supply for UNREGULATED HYDRAULIC FRACKING that poisons the ground with arsenic as it extracts the water. Arsenic! And this is exactly what Texas’ idiot Republicans voted for. In spite of the vast agreement of climate scientists, the well-known destructive effects of fracking on dwindling water supplies, the seismic impact, and the visible evidence of drought and record heat, the clueless teabaggers in Texas continue to elect politicians who believe climate change is bogus and think the only answer for our devastating drought is organized prayer. Seriously, Rick Perry holds PRAYER MEETINGS. Let’s hope he can pray up some fresh drinking water for the poor, parched slobs who voted for him.

Next up: Texas’ Attorney General Greg Abbott, who’s clearly got his eye on the statehouse when the governor steps down in 2014. Yesterday an extreme Republican posted a comment on Twitter attacking Wendy Davis — the courageous Democratic state senator from Fort Worth who filibustered the legislature a few weeks ago to fight for women’s reproductive rights — and referred to her as an “idiot” and “retard Barbie” who “needs to be taught a life lesson.” In response, Greg Abbott tweeted back, “Thanks for your support!”


I immediately made a donation to the Texas Democratic Party so we can put an end to this sickening crap as soon as possible. Please click here if you’re feeling generous, okay? We need all the help we can get. Thank you.

I enjoy nausea and exotic turds as much as the next guy, but this is insane.

First, don’t miss this exciting, limited-time offer! Howdygramsters … let me know if you want to try a free sample of Wal-Mart’s excellent store-brand Great Value toilet paper and I’ll send you a nice, unused piece to enjoy in the privacy of your own home!

Great Value is the best toilet paper EVER, people. It’s half the price of name brands, stronger, softer, TWO-PLY, and only $6.47 for a dozen big rolls. However, according to online reviews it’s usually hard to find in Wal-Mart’s retail stores because it sells out really fast so you should probably just think about ordering it online like I do. And you’ll even get FREE SHIPPING if you spend $45 or more, which is easy to do if you throw in some Ziploc bags, a couple cans of coffee, socks, Velveeta and a big tub of Tide Pods. (I love Tide Pods.)

And now for the latest from Club Meds, my never-ending struggle with prescription medications and their killer side effects. A couple of days ago I posted about Trilipix, a cholesterol medication that Dr. M prescribed after my checkup a couple of weeks ago. I found so many negative patient reviews online — thank God — that I wouldn’t even let Sam pick it up from the pharmacy. So what’s next? This morning I find out that Dr. M wants me to take Cholestyramine instead, a cholesterol medication with none of the same side effects as Trilipix or the statin drugs. (Statins tried to murder me.) So Sam stopped at CVS today and picked up my Cholestyramine prescription.

Unfortunately, here’s the thing. Cholestyramine is a DISGUSTING POWDER, like from the 19th century. Not a pill, not a capsule: A POWDER. It’s orange-flavored and comes in little individual-dose packets that are loaded with sugar. SUGAR! You’re supposed to stir this horseshit into juice or applesauce twice a day to try and disguise the texture and flavor, but the big snag is that I’m DIABETIC and I don’t — actually, can’t — consume juice or applesauce because it’s loaded with carbs. Holy mother of crap.

But wait ... there’s more! I did some research online this afternoon and apparently Cholestyramine is most commonly prescribed for uncontrollable diarrhea, NOT high cholesterol. The most common side effects include constipation, gas, bloating, black tarry stools, abdominal pain and vomiting.

Look, I enjoy nausea and exotic turds as much as the next guy, but THIS IS INSANE.

So I guess I’m back at square one again. I refuse to take Cholestyramine just like I refused to take Trilipix, Pravastatin, Atorvastatin and Lopid. The point is, if you don’t advocate for yourself, nobody will. I sincerely hope Dr. M isn’t getting sick of me because I’m still extremely fond of her.

I’ve got a lot more fascinating material waiting in the wings — including a double-whammy Putz of the Week award — but I think I’ll publish this post for now and start another one after dinner because all of a sudden I’m really hungry. Thank you.

Calm down, people. It’s a rash!

I thought it might be nice to squeeze in a quick Howdygram post before I hit the sack tonight in case you were starting to worry that I forgot about you. (I didn’t.)

The hot story from Dallas tonight is MEASLES. Yes, friends, there’s a SHOCKING MEASLES OUTBREAK here with 14 new cases reported in the past week. State health officials are having a cow about this and issued a statewide alert urging immediate immunization against this “highly dangerous and contagious disease.”

Although measles were thought to have been eradicated a number of years ago, I really have no idea why an outbreak is such a big damn deal. When I was kid EVERYBODY had the measles. They were a rite of passage like chickenpox, skinned knees and strep throat. I had ’em. My sister had ’em. We all had ’em. But the Texas Department of State Health Services is making it sound like measles are in the same category as leprosy, typhoid fever or the bubonic plague. CALM DOWN, PEOPLE. It’s a rash!

Thank you.

In other news, behold the most frightening face of a criminal I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Those beady eyes, that 30-inch neck ... HOLY CRAP, is this dude creepy, or what? His name is Jared Remy and he stabbed his girlfriend to death. I vote we should do the same thing to him. As soon as possible.

Sam and I have no plans for Sunday if y’all would like to come over and watch a few movies with us. Any time after 1 p.m. is just fine. You can bring a coffee cake if you want, or a couple of sweet rolls. Shalom.

In case you care, I still hate George Zimmerman.

I almost forgot ... it’s time for another update on TCM’s Summer Under the Stars festival! Here are the Howdygram’s top picks for the next few days.

• WALLACE BEERY, 8/17. You shouldn’t miss: The Champ (1931) with Jackie Cooper; A Date with Judy (1948), a silly semi-musical thing with Jane Powell and Carmen Miranda; Grand Hotel (1932) with Greta Garbo, John Barrymore and Joan Crawford; and Dinner at Eight (1933), one of my all-time favorite movies with Marie Dressler, Jean Harlow, Billie Burke and Lionel Barrymore. No kidding, Dinner at Eight is absolutely unforgettable.
• NATALIE WOOD, 8/18. West Side Story (1961) with Richard Beymer and Russ Tamblyn; The Searchers (1956) with John Wayne; Splendor in the Grass (1961) with Warren Beatty; and The Great Race (1965), a Blake Edwards masterpiece with Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon. You should also try to catch Gypsy (1962), but mostly to watch Rosalind Russell. (She steals the show.)
• RANDOLPH SCOTT, 8/19. I’m not a huge fan of Randolph Scott’s westerns, and that’s pretty much all you get to see on August 19 with the exception of My Favorite Wife (1940) with Irene Dunne and Cary Grant, which is pretty damn adorable.
• HATTIE McDANIEL, 8/20. Check out Hollywood’s highest-paid maid in the following films: Thank Your Lucky Stars (1943) with Eddie Cantor; George Washington Slept Here (1942) with Jack Benny and Ann Sheridan; and Gone with the Wind (1939) with Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh.
• WILLIAM HOLDEN, 8/21. My favorite actor for sure. Be sure to watch: Executive Suite (1954) with June Allyson; Picnic (1956) with Kim Novak; Bridge on the River Kwai (1957) with Alec Guinness; and Born Yesterday (1950) with Judy Holliday and Broderick Crawford.
• MAGGIE SMITH, 8/22. The V.I.P.s (1963) with Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton and Margaret Rutherford; The Honey Pot (1967) with Rex Harrison; Travels with My Aunt (1972); The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (1969) with Robert Stephens and Pamela Franklin; and California Suite (1978) with Michael Caine. FYI, those last two films were Oscar-winning performances.

I guess that’s probably a wrap for today. It’s almost 9 p.m. and I’m feeling a little antsy and bored, craving green olives and wishing Sam was home from work. Tomorrow at noon I’ve got a follow-up appointment with my optometrist to figure out how Costco can fix the mess they made of my new progressive trifocals, and afterwards Sam and I will go out for lunch, most likely to Alfredo’s in Forney because they have really nice cheap food with lots of parking. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Dr. Field’s office next door to Costco in Rockwall; and C) Alfredo’s restaurant. This also happens to be the exact same location (State Highway 80 and Pinson Road) where the police stopped George Zimmerman for speeding two weeks ago and found a loaded gun in his car. In case you care, I still hate George Zimmerman. A lot.

Thank you for reading this.

Dodging bullets, eating cheesecake.

I dodged a bullet today, people. After I got a call from CVS pharmacy this morning that my new cholesterol medication was ready for pickup I decided to research Fenofibric Acid (Trilipix) online ... AND I REFUSE TO TAKE IT. I won’t even let Sam pick up the prescription. The side effects listed are worse than the miserable statins that almost killed me, and 75 pages of patient reviews on WebMD.com include terrifying comments like “intolerable muscle fatigue,” “developed gall stones and cysts on my kidneys, liver and thyroid,” “take this lousy drug off the market,” “don’t take Trilipix, it will ruin your life,” “my husband’s legs are so weak he had to quit working” and “muscle pain so severe I don’t want to live.”

Sorry, but I’ve been through enough. I’m done. After my miserable experiences with Atorvastatin and Pravastatin I refuse to go through this crap again. I already have enough challenges staying mobile with arthritic knees, plantar fasciitis and neuropathy … why should I deal with exhaustion, paralysis, permanent muscle damage, uncontrollable urination, acid reflux, gall stones, kidney failure, itching, dizziness and debilitating back pain on top of that?

I sent an email to Dr. M a couple of hours ago with my discoveries and decision. I haven’t heard back from her office yet but I’ve got the cordless phone on my lap and I’m waiting. As always, stay tuned for further developments but please feel free to continue your normal routine in the meantime.

I need cheesecake. Thank you.

Thank you in advance from Babs and me.

Wow, everybody ... I just received an email from BARBRA STREISAND. Barbra Streisand! My new best friend — you know, Babs — asked if I would please consider contributing a little dough to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee in their ongoing effort to rout the obstructionist Republicans, whose approval rating currently hovers at 16% ... the lowest approval rating EVER. So I’m thinking, holy crap, if Barbra can take a few minutes from her busy schedule of manicures, being amazing and staring at James Brolin to check in with Marcy at Howdygram headquarters, I can donate three stinking dollars to elect more Democrats to Congress. And you can, too! There’s a direct link to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee in the right sidebar of the Howdygram, or just click here. Thank you in advance from Babs and me.

For your possible interest, with the exception of last-minute electoral emergencies my typical political donation is $3, and I’ll give you three excellent reasons why: 1) three bucks is enough to make a difference; 2) I can contribute to a bunch of worthwhile causes all at the same time; and 3) I don’t want Sam to have a stroke. Although we share the same political viewpoint, Sam isn’t much of an activist and doesn’t get nuts about email from Barbra Streisand. So that’s that.

In other news, I ordered some cool crapola today from Amazon ... a big box of See Clear wipey things for my glasses and a hardcover copy of “The Astaires,” the best-selling biography of Fred and Adele Astaire.

FYI, most people don’t know that Fred and his sister Adele had a hugely successful 30-year dance career together before Fred got to Hollywood in 1933. Thirty years! They started as children and wound up as headliners on Broadway with the Gershwins writing musicals just for them. I can’t wait to read this book. Seriously.

Wow, it’s already after 6 p.m. and I haven’t spent nearly enough time obsessing about dinner! At the moment I’m considering low-carb biscuits, bacon, green olives and chia seed pudding. And soon, because I’m awfully hungry. Thank you.

Buy your prescription eyeglasses at a real optical store run by full-time people who actually give a crap.

I’ve got a late-breaking news flash from Club Meds here at Howdygram headquarters: I HATE STATIN DRUGS. Actually, it’s possible that “hate” isn’t a strong enough word, so let’s also throw in LOATHE, DESPISE, DETEST and ABHOR. Everybody should invest in a thesaurus.

Some of you may recall that I stopped taking Lipitor (actually, the generic Atorvastatin) in February for high cholesterol when the side effects attempted to murder me. (See previous post.) When my routine lab results a couple of weeks ago indicated that my cholesterol and triglycerides were creeping higher, Dr. M put me back on a different statin (Pravastatin, pictured here) at a lower dose. Sadly — just like the last time with Lipitor — I immediately descended into a nightmare of side effects that included: 1) severe muscle and joint pain in my legs; 2) pain and weakness in my arms and lower back; 3) difficulty standing or walking for more than a couple of minutes; 4) dizziness; 5) nausea; 6) difficulty breathing; and 6) chills. I sent Dr. M an email a couple of minutes ago to let her know that Pravastatin is destroying my life and I officially stopped taking it yesterday when I tossed Tuesday’s pill into the kitchen garbage. And you know what? I ALREADY FEEL WONDERFUL TODAY. I just stripped the sheets off our bed and threw them in the laundry, something I never could have done two days ago, and I’ve just decided to bake myself a low-carb cheesecake this afternoon. Maybe low-carb brownies, too! Glorioski!

Here’s a follow-up to my post from a couple of weeks ago about my new progressive trifocals from Costco. I was positive something was wrong with my glasses because I couldn’t read anything smaller than 12-point type, and I was right. Sam had an eye exam this morning and took my new glasses along so Dr. Field could check them against my prescription, and sure enough ... she said Costco screwed up!

Bottom line: although I love Costco as much as the next guy for cheap bagels, giant cans of tuna and toilet paper, we all might be better off buying prescription eyeglasses at a real optical store. You know, run by full-time people who actually give a crap and know what they’re doing. I’m just saying.

I’ve got a really adorable YouTube video for you. Entertainer Christina Bianco takes a hit song from the 1980s — Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” — and sings it as 18 different divas, from Adele to Julie Andrews to Barbra Streisand to Celine Dion to Britney Spears. And she really NAILS it. I especially love her imitations of Cher and Bernadette Peters. Enjoy!

And finally, please click the link below as soon as possible and add your name to this petition to protect Social Security from the Republican thugs in Congress. Speaking as a senior citizen with lousy knees who will begin receiving Social Security checks in less than 90 days, thank you a million times.

Have yourself a really swell day, okay?

Grilled cheese and very loud thunderstorms.

I know you can’t hear it, but we’ve got some VERY LOUD THUNDERSTORMS rolling through here right now! This is our first real rainfall in months and I hope we get drenched. I love it. For your possible interest here’s what’s happening courtesy of Weather.com. The bright red star denotes Howdygram headquarters, and if you zoom in a little I’ll be glad to wave.

I’m baking a loaf of homemade low-carb bread as I write this post and pondering a nice grilled cheese sandwich for dinner, although I’d be willing to bet nobody except me really gives a crap.

Some breaking political news from San Diego! Apparently Bob Filner, who serves as the city’s mayor and highest-ranking serial sex offender, has completed two weeks of “intensive therapy” to cure him of the need to harrass, grope and assault women.

Unfortunately, when Filner got back to the office he discovered that his chief of staff had changed the locks, the entire city council has called for his immediate resignation and a recall effort was underway to collect 100,000 signatures and force a new election. I think it’s safe to assume that just about everybody thinks this assclown is greasier than a $2 hamburger. And that brings me to one final point of interest. It seems that the fine people at Hooters can’t stand this jerk, either, because Filner has been banned from all of their San Diego restaurants for disrespecting women. Check it out!

Thank you for reading this. I need that grilled cheese sandwich now.

Dollar Tree’s website carries all the same weird no-name crap as their retail stores.

One of the sad outcomes of being a senior citizen such as moi with mobility issues is the fact that I don’t get to go shopping any more in stores. And I miss them all. You know ... discount stores, snooty stores, cheesy stores, Apple stores, warehouse clubs, hardware stores, lawn and garden departments, shoe stores, drug stores and supermarkets. I’ve managed to find occasional solace online with Amazon and Wal-Mart, but yesterday I finally climbed another rung when I discovered DollarTree.com. People … please give this a shot. Although most of their products online are sold only by the case, Dollar Tree’s website carries all the same weird no-name crap as their retail stores with the added bonus of cheap flat-fee shipping. I got so excited I almost couldn’t stand it.

Pictured above is a sampling of Dollar Tree’s cybershit, including hard-to-find wax fruit, canned briny mackerel, gas pills, organic chicken broth, hemorrhoid goo, salad dressing and pop-up foil sandwich wrappers. I ordered a case of chicken broth and eight boxes of the Reynolds foil whatnots. FYI, the foil whatnots were only $1 each; Amazon sells the same product for $4.99. These are the big foil sheets, too ... 14" x 10¼". Wow, am I right?

There’s a new toy on the way for Sam! He chose an Earthwise PWO1650 electric pressure washer last week as a thank you gift from Wells Fargo for refinancing our mortgage. As soon as it arrives he plans to attack the patio, the floor of the garage and damn near anything else he can get his hands on. We both think this is a really cool freebie when you consider that pressure washers sell for about $125 and up. If you come over he might let you play with it.

I think I need to eat something now and watch TV with Sam. I’ve got leftover Chinese from last night and a couple of decent Humphrey Bogart movies saved on our DVR: In a Lonely Place (1950) with Gloria Grahame and The Left Hand of God (1955) with Gene Tierney. I know I say this a lot, but I love my life.

Introducing braised camel turds in tomato sauce.

I don’t know if any of you care or not, but here’s what I did today.

1. Discovered at 4:30 a.m. why it’s never a good idea to eat an entire bowl of low-carb chocolate frosting as a TV snack (please refer News Flash #4 in last night’s post). Thank God for Imodium.
2. Enjoyed a nice buffet lunch at Cafe Greek with Sam. Today’s memorable entrees included a lot of tasty gyros meat, baked fish with teeny sesame seeds, marinated cabbage and braised camel turds in tomato sauce. Sam says they were the best camel turds EVER.
3. Slept through round four of the PGA Championship because I really didn’t give a crap who won. (It was eventually Jason Dufner by two strokes. BFD.)

In addition to all of the above, I also downloaded a few more new fonts, which brings my total collection to somewhere around 19,850.

Incidentally, if any of you ever covet the fonts I post here on the Howdygram please don’t hesitate to let me know. They’re mostly all available online for free and I’d be glad to send them to you. Yes! You, too, can own the world’s largest font collection! Operators are standing by to take your call!

And now it’s finally time for dinner. Because it’s already after 7 p.m. and time’s flying, Sam and I are leaning towards a bunch of leftovers for the sake of expediency. Also because we love leftovers. With a side order of green olives.

Thank you for reading this.

I ate a bowl of chocolate frosting tonight.

I’ve got six important news flashes for a hot Saturday night in Texas. They are:

NEWS FLASH #1. I just finished taking 10 days of antibiotics for the urinary tract infection that tried to murder me. No kidding, people … it was E.coli. Holy crap!

NEWS FLASH #2. Sam bought me two gigantic jars of green olives this morning at Costco. There’s almost nothing I love better than green olives except for cheesecake and Mongolian chicken.

NEWS FLASH #3. I slept through Sunset Boulevard today.

NEWS FLASH #4. After dinner tonight I did something so decadent I’m almost afraid to tell you, but what the hell. I had a serious craving for something fudgy so I made low-carb chocolate frosting and ate the whole damn bowl with a soup spoon while I watched The Bad and the Beautiful starring Lana Turner and Kirk Douglas.

NEWS FLASH #5. I’d like to start a Ramon Novarro appreciation club. I never realized how adorable he was until I saw him this morning in The Cat and the Fiddle (1934) co-starring Jeanette MacDonald. Not only was he wonderful as Jeanette’s love interest, in the span of 90 minutes he was also hilarious, sweet, serious and touching. Ramon could even play the piano and had a really nice head of hair.

NEWS FLASH #6. I can’t think of anything else and thank you for reading this.

I am so ready to retire I can taste it.

I hate my clients. If this sounds evil and ungrateful you’d better get over it, because I’m sick of their petty issues, bogus emergencies, stupid requests, general confusion and email accounts that stop working. Hey, Einstein, here’s a wild guess ... maybe because you haven’t deleted any email since 2003 and Outlook had a brain hemhorrage?

I am so ready to retire I can taste it.

And now ... here’s what’s coming up next week on TCM’s Summer Under the Stars festival.

• CATHERINE DENEUVE, 8/12. If you enjoy French films with subtitles, this is your lucky day. Me, not so much. I have no favorite Catherine Deneuve movies because I can’t understand what she’s talking about.
• MICKEY ROONEY, 8/13. TCM is showing a lot of my Mickey Rooney favorites today. The best of them are A Family Affair (1936), the original Andy Hardy “pilot” co-starring Lionel Barrymore and Spring Byington; Boys Town (1938) with Spencer Tracy; and Strike Up the Band (1940) with Judy Garland.
• BETTE DAVIS, 8/14. Don’t miss Jezebel (1938) with Henry Fonda and George Brent; The Letter (1940) with Herbert Marshall; Now, Voyager (1942) with Paul Henreid; Dark Victory (1939) with George Brent and Humphrey Bogart; and The Man Who Came to Dinner (1942) with Monty Woolley and Ann Sheridan.
• GREGORY PECK, 8/15. Be sure to see Designing Woman (1957) with Lauren Bacall and The Guns of Navarone (1961) with David Niven and Anthony Quinn. For some reason TCM isn’t showing my two favorite Gregory Peck movies this time — Roman Holiday with Audrey Hepburn and Gentleman’s Agreement with Dorothy McGuire. I’m pissed, quite frankly, but I’m pretty sure nobody cares. Am I right?
• ANN BLYTH, 8/16. Like boring operettas with excellent costumes? Ann Blyth made a pile of them, and today’s the day to see them all on TCM, including: Kismet (1955); The Student Prince (1954); and Rose Marie (1954). Personally, I think you should skip the all the stupid singing and just watch Mildred Pierce (1945) with Joan Crawford. Trust me, Mildred Pierce is NOT a musical. (Not even close.)

I’ve got insomnia tonight. I’m guessing it’s because I took a three-hour nap yesterday afternoon and screwed up my sleep schedule. Fortunately, I think I’m finally ready to go to bed following a quick shlep into the kitchen for chocolate soy milk. Thank you for reading this.

Colonel Sanders always scared the crap out of me. Now I know why.

I just received a crate of incredible crapola from Netrition.com, including a variety of exciting LOW-CARB DESSERT MIXES that includes low-carb chocolate fudge brownies, low-carb triple chocolate torte and low-carb key lime pie with its own handy-dandy graham cracker crust! Even better, the torte and key lime thingies require no baking whatosever, making them perfect for a hot summer day in Texas when the temperature is 106°. Such as today, for instance.

Incidentally, if you’re wondering how low these low-carb desserts really are, the torte and key lime pie have only two net carbs per serving and the brownies have four, which means, technically, I can park myself in front of the TV with a serving spoon and a quart of milk and eat the WHOLE DAMN PAN without raising my blood sugar. I think I’m having palpatations, people!

Before I forget ... I thought y’all might enjoy this psycho Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial from the mid-1960s. Colonel Sanders always scared the crap out of me. Now I know why.

Here’s some breaking news from our Annoying People I’d Like To Beat Up Severely With My Cane department. Most of you know I’m retiring this year and closing down my web design business. To speed it along I decided back in mid-June to discontinue my merchant account and stop accepting credit cards (see previous post) in an effort to save some money and piss off my remaining clients. Sadly, the customer service Einsteins at First National Processing (FNP) ignored the signed Close My Account form they received from me on June 18 and initiated $69.95 in bogus fees for the month of July, as pictured below. They even tried to collect the funds from my bank, twice, but fortunately Chase rejected both attempts because I closed my business checking account several weeks ago, too.

I called FNP today as soon as I saw this statement. They promised to fix the mess, but I have no confidence in these bozos whatsoever and guaranteed they would hear from me again if and when Chase charges me any penalties. Holy crap.

Some sad news to report. Gus Allegretti, the voice of all the popular sidekicks on “Captain Kangaroo,” died this week. Allegretti was the voice of the critters shown below, pictured with the Captain from left: Dancing Bear, Bunny Rabbit, Grandfather Clock and Mister Moose. Mister Green Jeans, pictured on the right, was not a critter. He was just an ordinary idiot.

“Captain Kangaroo” aired from 1955 (my era) until the mid-1980s. I was never a huge fan of dopey horseshit except for the Tom Terrific cartoons featuring Mighty Manfred the Wonder Dog and Tom’s arch-enemy Crabby Appleton, rotten to the core.

I think I’ll eat some dinner now and enjoy tonight’s episode of “Project Runway.” My feast will include a couple of cheeseburgers with no buns, six green olives, a hunk of homemade low-carb bread (nicely toasted) and sugar-free lemonade. I’d invite you to join me but I’m seriously hungry and there’s no time to screw around with company. Thank you for understanding.

The clown car is almost at capacity.

It’s off. We put the kibosh on our fall road trip so Sam can fly back to L.A. for eight days to spend time with his sister Marian, who’s had some serious health issues, and his mom. While Sam is away I’ll hold down the fort at Howdygram headquarters and try to keep all the cattle in the corral.

Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ve got Amazon to keep me company. Also pickles & biscuits.

Breaking news from our Gift That Keeps on Giving department! According to the New York Post, New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner, pictured below in a recent glamour shot, got pissed off yesterday at an AARP-sponsored candidates’ forum and referred to his GOP opponent as “grandpa.” Holy crap. There’s no end to Weiner’s abominable public relations skills. Are you as sick of this clown as I am?

And then, of course, we have Bob Filner, the disgusting mayor of San Diego, who’s currently taking a two-week leave of absence to get therapy and find out why he can’t stop groping and humiliating women. At this point 11 accusers have come forward, including several women who also had been victims of military sexual assault.

The only “plus” so far? The city of San Diego has refused to pay Filner’s legal fees. (Everybody is suing him.)

It’s lunch time! But first I want to show off the following new fonts:

 Thank you for reading this.

Perfume is definitely a lot more fun than diabetes test strips or yeast.

So here we are, another blistering hot August afternoon in Texas. It’s 105° outside with a heat/humidity index of 110°, which means I’m not leaving the house for any reason whatsoever and spent most of the day buying a wonderful assortment of crapola online. Today’s purchases included: 1) a really large bottle of Estée Lauder’s Beautiful perfume at an amazing price with no tax and free shipping; 2) 150 Freestyle Lite diabetes test strips; 3) two squeezy bottles of Dawn dishwashing liquid in their exciting New Zealand Springs fragrance, whatever the hell that is; 4) Fleischmann’s bread machine yeast; and 5) a gigantic jar of Lipton unsweetened instant tea.

If you care, I ordered items 1 and 2 on eBay; 3 through 5 are from Wal-Mart. While I’m excited about all of these, perfume is definitely a lot more fun than diabetes test strips or yeast. I’m just saying.

And now for something completely different, the Howdygram would like to recommend the following films for the rest of the week on TCM’s Summer Under the Stars. Thank you.

• FRED MacMURRAY, 8/7. I’ve always loved Fred MacMurray. If you’re not familiar with his movies please check out: Too Many Husbands (1940) with Jean Arthur and Melvyn Douglas; The Lady is Willing (1942) a peculiar comedy/drama with Marlene Dietrich that’s worth watching at least one time; Callaway Went Thataway with Howard Keel and Dorothy McGuire; and Dive Bomber (1941) with Errol Flynn. These are all really swell. 
• RAMON NOVARRO, 8/8. If you’re into silent movies I hope you won’t miss: The Prisoner of Zenda (1922) with Lewis Stone; Across to Singapore (1928) with Joan Crawford; and Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ (1925) with Francis X. Bushman. There are also a couple of talkies worth seeing: Mata Hari (1931) with Greta Garbo and The Night Is Young (1935) with Una Murkel.
• STEVE McQUEEN, 8/9. I’m not a Steve McQueen fan. I can’t help it, I just never thought he had any talent or appeal. In my view the only Steve McQueen movie worth seeing on August 9 is The Blob (1958) because his co-star is Aneta Corsaut, the future Helen Crump on “The Andy Griffith Show.” 
• LANA TURNER, 8/10. I guess I’m not much of a Lana Turner fan, either, when you get right down to it, although she’s unforgettable in The Postman Always Rings Twice (1946) with John Garfield. I also recommend Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1941), Ziegfeld Girl (1941), The Bad and the Beautiful (1952) and Peyton Place (1957), but primarily for the performances of her talented co-stars. 
• HENRY FONDA, 8/11. My picks include: The Male Animal (1942) with Jack Carson and Olivia de Havilland; Advise & Consent (1962) with Charles Laughton and Don Murray; Fail-Safe (1964) with Walter Matthau; and Mister Roberts (1955) with James Cagney and Jack Lemmon. Buy yourself a cheesecake and sit in front of the TV with a spoon and a quart of milk. 

Incidentally, on August 11 TCM is also showing Henry Fonda’s most iconic performance in The Grapes of Wrath (1940), if you can stomach the most wretchedly depressing movie ever made. It’s the story of the Joad family, flat broke and starving, who get kicked off their land in Oklahoma during the dust bowl years and scratch their way to great jobs in California earning 25¢ a day picking fruit. It’s a real knee-slapper. (I refuse to watch it.)

At the risk of being considered a racist, which I’m not, I’d like to share the following photo of the ten finalists for 2013 Miss South Korea. You’re not imagining things, people ... THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE because South Korea is a country obsessed with plastic surgery. One in five women go under the knife, all requesting the same shape eyes, the same shape nose and the same pointed chin. Is this frightening, or what? A blogger on Reddit commented: “Korea’s plastic surgery mayhem has finally converged on the same face.” It’s true. These are ten different women, and you can’t tell them apart!

I got a scam email today. This was supposed to look official with the MoneyGram logo on top, but it didn’t take long to figure out it was fiction written by a foreign dimwit with no understanding of English or sentence construction. Take a look:

Dear customer!

You are receiving my notification because of you have been received the payment. It may take a some time for this transaction to appear in the Recent Activity list on your account page.

Pay-ment details:

Transaction sum: 8520 USD
Transaction date: 2013/08/03

The details of this transaction attached to the letter. Please follow our link to confirm the necessary by your account.

Thank you for using MoneyGram!

Frankly, you’d think by now these clods from the Ukraine would find a less obvious way to weasle money from Americans. Holy crap.

And now I have to eat dinner because my stomach is making so much noise it’s drowning out the neighbor’s lawn mower. I wouldn’t joke about this. Tonight’s feast will be grilled cheese on low-carb bread with a side order of green olives. Don’t be jealous, okay?

Epic lows, two days in a row. Holy crap.

Here we go again, people. Yesterday I had a hypoglycemic “episode” following a very nice mid-day nap that resulted in a scary blood sugar low of 45. I actually felt perfectly good until, you know, I suddenly didn’t, and started shaking, slurring my words like a drunk and craving chocolate. I snapped out of it with four emergency chewable glucose thingies and a piece of pizza. Okay, two pieces of pizza.

Unfortunately, I just had another episode, and this one was even scarier. Once again it comes right after my mid-day nap and once again my blood sugar reading is 45. Except this time I don’t get the shakes, I don’t act like I’m drunk and I don’t crave chocolate ... I just meander into the study, open some email and sit here thinking this is really cool, my knees don’t hurt today. I finally decide to test my blood sugar when I start pondering dinner — meatloaf? pickles & biscuits? gefilte fish? — and how much mealtime insulin I’ll need for an injectable hors d’oeuvre.

The point is, I have to be more diligent about self-inflicted hypoglycemia crap by learning to inject less insulin at lunch-time. I get carried away. I’m one of those compulsive types that firmly believes “more is better,” but I guess that’s only true at a Chinese buffet. Holy crap.

Tonight’s big dinner decision: HOMEMADE MEATLOAF. I buy an amazing low-carb meatloaf mix online from Netrition that you blend with 1½ cups of water, two pounds of ground beef and two jumbo eggs. For a little extra hoo-hah I also throw in a package of Lipton onion soup mix and ¼ cup of Guy’s sugar-free barbecue sauce. This stuff is terrific, people.

In case you’re interested, it’s already in the oven with 20 minutes left on the timer, which means you’d better haul ass if you’re coming for dinner tonight. Also on the menu are green olives and low-carb buttered toast with chia seed pudding for dessert.

My final contribution today is this adorable cat video. Apparently the feline in question is familiar with whatever is on TV because she knows exactly when to lunge for the bird on the screen. I love this.

Thank you very much and have a pleasant evening.

My Sunday afternoon activities will be limited to sushi, lemonade and televised golf.

I woke up feeling not too bad this morning until I took my temperature and discovered it was 95.6°. Holy crap. To make sure somebody wasn’t delusional (i.e., me) Sam retrieved the other digital thermometer from the master bathroom, and yup, we got the same result. How can a person who’s not a cadaver have a body temperature that low? Medical science baffles me. Everything you read says I should be completely hypothermic if my temperature 95°, yet here I am, horsing around with the Howdygram and obviously still alive.

I’m also waiting for Sam to get home from Costco, where he’s loading up on tasty whatnots for the coming week, such as a big tub of fresh pineapple, “loaded” baked potato salad and sushi (for yours truly). If the price is right I’ll also ask him to bring home a gigantic package of ground chuck so I can make a nice meatloaf for dinner. He’s supposed to call when he gets to the meat department. I’m thinking that should be almost any minute.

This afternoon I’m hoping to watch Tiger Woods win the Bridgestone Invitational. He’s had quite an impressive weekend of golf — tying his lowest-ever round of 61 on Friday — and his score is currently 15 under par. GO TIGER!

Looks like it’s finally summer in north Texas. We had very reasonable and unexpectedly pleasant weather in May, June and July with occasional rain, no temperatures higher than the mid-90s and many weeks only in the 80s. August, of course, is kicking off with a bang, as evidenced by this forecast (see below) from Weather.com. Yes, people, it’s dry as the Sahara and DAMN HOT around here now, and that’s why my Sunday afternoon activities will be limited to sushi, a couple quarts of lemonade and televised golf. Is this a great life, or what?

Many thanks for stopping by today. Next time you should think about bringing a coffee cake or a few pieces of fruit.

Sam is buying tires and eating pancakes at the same time.

Sam is buying tires as I write this post. Two, to be exact. And because Discount Tire is next door to IHOP on the Interstate 30 service road, while he’s waiting for installation he also gets to eat breakfast. In a restaurant. With PANCAKES. Holy crap. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) IHOP; C) Discount Tire; and D) the grubbiest Dairy Queen on earth, which technically has nothing whatsoever to do with the subject of this paragraph. I’m just saying.

I’m having a major issue with my favorite browser today. I use Firefox, which is arguably the best — and the most temperamental — wad of software on the market. How come? Because any time Firefox decides it doesn’t like a URL, you’re screwed. Today’s issue: Firefox won’t let me into the Social Security Administration’s website, SSA.gov. All I get is an error window with a big fat yellow excalamation point telling me the site isn’t available and please check if I’m even connected to the Internet. Sorry, you insulting clowns, but I’m definitely online because I can connect to SSA.gov with Chrome and Safari!

Know what? I’m also having a major issue today with my EXPENSIVE NEW PROGRESSIVE TRIFOCALS. I picked them up at Costco on Thursday but didn’t really notice until this morning that I can’t actually read with these stupid things. If you think it’s weird that it took me two whole days to figure this out, it’s really NOT. I wear a different pair of glasses when I work at my computer and that’s where I do most of my reading. You know, online. I didn’t discover the issue with my new trifocals until I tried to read an article in TCM’s Now Playing magazine a couple of hours ago and realized that everything smaller than 12 points is a total blur. This sucks, people. My next step will be a quick trip back to the optometrist with my new glasses in tow to find out if they match her prescription or not. Stay tuned for further developments but please feel free to continue a normal routine in the meantime.

Thank you for reading this.

Today is Doris Day day on TCM. Let’s all watch TV and eat things!

I think I jinxed myself when I started off yesterday’s Howdygram post with a diabtribe about contaminated food, because a couple of hours ago Dr. M’s office called to let me know that E.coli bacteria was responsible for my bladder infection and I should be sure to finish all of the antibiotics she prescribed for me. Holy crap.

Also, in case you care, I got my blood work results today, too. My hemoglobin A1C (the “holy grail” blood test for diabetics) is down to 5.9%. This is such great news I might watch a few Doris Day movies tonight! Everything else looks good, too, although my cholesterol and triglycerides are up because I stopped taking Atorvastatin (generic Lipitor) back in January when I found out it was causing the severe muscle pain in my legs, back and arms. Dr. M actually wanted me to cut my dose in half, but I couldn't do it. (I mean this literally. A store-bought pill-splitter crushed the damn things into powder.) Also, around that same time the FDA released a study that Lipitor had been discovered to cause permanent muscle damage and kidney failure, so I decided to throw that crap in the garbage and see what my cholesterol results looked like after my next round of lab tests. Now I know. Dr. M is starting me on a low dose of a different statin prescription.

Hey, movie fans ... it’s August, and time for TCM’s popular Summer Under the Stars festival! Today was officially Doris Day day (seriously) and there’s still a chance to catch several of her movies. In my view, her best are yet to come tonight: Please Don’t Eat the Daisies (1960) co-starring David Niven and Love Me or Leave Me (1955) co-starring James Cagney. Other featured stars during the next few days include: Alec Guinness on Saturday, August 3; Mary Boland on Sunday, August 4; Charlton Heston on Monday, August 5; and Joan Fontaine on Tuesday, August 6.

If you’re planning to record some movies on your DVR, my picks for a few of the best include:

• ALEC GUINNESS, 8/3. The Lavender Hill Mob (1951) and Kind Hearts and Coronets (1949).
• MARY BOLAND, 8/4. Ruggles of Red Gap (1935), The Women (1939) and Pride and Prejudice (1940).
• CHARLTON HESTON, 8/5. Soylent Green (1973) and Ben-Hur (1959).
• JOAN FONTAINE, 8/6. A Damsel in Distress (1937), Suspicion (1941) and Rebecca (1940). While two of these films — Suspicion and Rebecca — can be seen pretty regularly on TCM, A Damsel in Distress is NOT, and it’s absolutely worth watching for a couple of excellent reasons: 1) co-stars Fred Astaire, George Burns and Gracie Allen are in rare form and fantastic; and 2) this movie features some of the funniest musical comedy scenes EVER, especially Fred Astaire mocking the faces of a madrigal choir that’s performing at an English country estate. First time I saw this thing I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. Also, there’s an unbelievable number where Joan Fontaine dances with Fred Astaire, thereby demonstrating all the grace and rhythm you’d expect from a serious dramatic actress: ZERO.

And now, at last, it’s time for dinner. I’ve been pondering a number of different options but think I waited too long because it’s already past 7:30, my blood sugar is plummeting and for expediency’s sake I think I’ll probably just nuke the rest of my leftover Mongolian chicken ... proving yet again that Chinese food solves damn near ANYTHING. Thank you.

Food peril in a modern world: Defending pickles & biscuits.

It probably won’t surprise any of you that the essential crapola in your refrigerator could kill you. The dangers du jour include: 1) overpriced cheese contaminated with Listeria courtesy of Whole Foods; 2) more than 50,000 pounds of ground beef at your favorite warehouse club store contaminated with E.coli bacteria; and 3) bagged salad containing the popular mix of romaine, iceberg lettuce and cyclospora parasites. Although the salad in item three has (so far) poisoned 350 people in 15 states, the FDA can’t exactly tell you which brand of bagged salad to avoid because it actually might be ALL of them.

From my viewpoint, the only safe and healthy meal left on planet earth is PICKLES & BISCUITS, my all-time favorite feast for every occasion. I refer specifically to easy little drop biscuits made from CarbQuik and water (the recipe’s on the box) and juicy Ba-Tampte half-sour pickles. If you care, I have to order my pickles from the KC Kosher Co-op because grocery stores in Dallas don’t sell anything Jewish. You can’t even find a stupid yahrzeit candle around here.

Big news, people ... I applied for my Social Security retirement benefits today! This makes it official: I’m a card-carrying, bona fide OLD LADY now, complete with a cane, corrective shoes, a monthly Social Security check and a leaky bladder. Tonight’s requisite celebration will include a bowl of chia seed pudding and the latest episode of “Project Runway.”

I’ve got a full and happy life. And (as always) another batch of new fonts.

Thank you for reading this.