Late-breaking news of huge importance.

Here’s a hot story from the police files in Dunnellon, Florida. A 53-year-old woman (see right) was arrested today for whacking a man in the face with a raw steak. According to the sheriff’s office report, the man told deputies that Elsie Egan repeatedly hit him with the uncooked meat and then slapped him when he refused to eat a piece of sliced bread. It’s a good thing he didn’t refuse the mashed potatoes, too, or she might have killed him!

Believe it or not, I can identify with this situation and know what it’s like to suffer from grocery abuse. When I was 14 my mother smacked me in the head with a frozen Jewish rye for scaring her half to death with the flash from my Instamatic camera. I’ve often considered starting a support group, but after 45 years I think I’ve pretty much recovered from the trauma. And now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to watch the big finale on “Top Chef.” Thank you.