Marcy's guide to NFL football.

In case you missed it, the Green Bay Packers demolished the Atlanta Falcons 48 to 21 last night in their divisional playoff game. And later today Sam and I will watch the Bears against the Seahawks at Soldier Field. GO BEARS!

I really like watching football on TV and I’m proud to tell you I fully understand the game’s most important concepts, such as interceptions, an incomplete pass, getting sacked, fumbling, field goals, touchdowns, unnecessary celebrations and the difference between a turnover and strudel. I also know what the red zone is, that the clock stops if a player with the ball runs out of bounds and you’re never supposed to grab anybody’s face mask. I don’t think whacking a quarterback in the nuts is allowed, either. You’d probably get a red flag and a penalty for that.

But there are lots of stupid football quirks that I don’t get at all ... even when Sam tries to explain them to me. For instance:

• Who are all those groupies on the sidelines with clipboards and how much do they get paid. (See above photo.)
• Why are players required to dangle their drippy mouthguards on national television.
• What’s the job title of the guy who squirts Gatorade.
• I will NEVER understand the purpose of a two-minute warning.
• Why does it take half an hour for the last minute on the clock to run out.
• Can somebody please explain “rushing”.
• How come baseball players wear long-sleeve uniforms but football players DON’T, and does this have anything to do with tattoos.
• What the hell is a “nose tackle”.

If any Howdygram readers can enlighten me on these subjects, please feel free to post a comment or send me an email. Thank you.