Thursday, May 1, 2014

We still don’t know what’s responsible for The Dinty Moore Dumpling Incident.

In this post: The shower saga continues, flying dumplings, Jane Powell.

There are so many EARTH-SHAKING HOT SCOOPS today at Howdygram headquarters I almost don’t know where to start. Maybe the best approach would be to separate everything into neatly-typed, indented sections for your reading pleasure. I hope you’ll consider turning off your phone until you’re through here to avoid interruptions and distractions, okay? Thank you.

OUR GROUT CRACKED ... AGAIN. Yes, friends, the saga continues. We had to ask our remodeling dude (Clayton) to come back this morning and investigate an exciting new water stain on the wall outside the shower in our master bathroom ... less than three weeks after he and his cracker-jack crew tore apart the entire shower, rebuilt the support structure under the marble bench, regrouted the tile, recaulked, rebuilt the drywall, replaced the baseboards and repainted. After three tries to get it right, let’s just say CLAYTON’S PEOPLE SCREWED UP. Somebody (according to Clayton) “forgot to caulk an area under the bench” last time they were here on April 9, so the grout cracked, water is creeping behind the bench again and staining the wall. Clayton will be back first thing tomorrow (presumably by 9 a.m.) to start all over and generally beg for forgiveness. And of course, once again, we can’t use the shower for 72 hours. I’m so irritated I want to beat the crap out of somebody with my cane except I can’t because the only person here right now is ME.

In case you need a little background on The Great Shower Remodeling Hoo-hah of 2014, click here and here and here and here. That first link, incidentally, mentions an initial cost of $570 for new caulk and grout. I think you should know that by week two we’d actually coughed up $2,000. Maybe that’s why Clayton keeps coming back until he gets it right. I’ve considered letting him move into the guest room.

SAM SAVED MY LIFE TODAY. He came to the rescue while I was in the family room eating lunch from a can of Dinty Moore Chicken & Dumplings and accidentally dropped it upside-down on my feet. The immediate aftermath involved emergency dumpling removal, retrieving a fresh garment from the master bedroom, disrobing, rerobing, foot-mopping and loss of appetite ... which has since returned, if you’re interested, because it’s after 6 p.m. and practically time for dinner. And now for a completely unrelated question. Why the hell would the Moores name their kid DINTY?

OKAY, SO I LIED. I guess I don’t actually have as many EARTH-SHAKING HOT SCOOPS as I originally thought, so I’ll mention that I’ve got a couple of corny Jane Powell movies recorded for tonight: Holiday in Mexico (1946) co-starring Walter Pidgeon, José Iturbi and Roddy McDowall and Nancy Goes to Rio (1950) co-starring Ann Sothern, Carmen Miranda and Louis Calhern. For the movie nerds among you, Nancy Goes to Rio is a remake of 1940’s It’s A Date starring Deanna Durbin and Kay Francis.

I desperately need to eat something RIGHT NOW to avoid passing out. My fast-dinner options are: 1) homemade tacos because I have leftover taco-flavored TVP in the refrigerator; 2) braunschweiger on white toast with sugar-free sweet pickles; and 3) glucose tablets because my blood sugar has dropped to 51. I really have to go now. I hate diabetes.

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