Friday, May 30, 2014

Muzzlestroking ammosexuals plan a rally at Home Depot.

In this post: Grout people, skeeters, dipshits.

I promised to come back tonight, and here I am. Please hold your applause, okay?

First on my list is an update on our never-ending remodeling project in the master bathroom, dragging on forever at the hands of the grout people. I won’t rehash the entire nauseating story in any detail tonight, so if you want to know more please click the following links to all of my earlier posts: click click click click click click click click click and click. And now here’s the aforementioned update. Clayton, leader of the grout people, and Tim, the main dude from Binswanger Glass, were here at Howdygram headquarters on May 22 to diagnose the leak in our shower and arrange for Tim’s company to handle the repair ... but that was the last time we heard from either of them. We found out this morning that Clayton gave Tim the WRONG PHONE NUMBER, so every time he tried to call me to set up an appointment he left the message on somebody else’s voice mail. I WANT TO STRANGLE THESE PEOPLE.

Ready for some breaking news? We’re at war! So a couple of hours ago I ordered a package of New Mountain Sandalwood Mosquito Sticks from Amazon because poor Sam is being eaten alive on the patio and doesn’t want to marinate himself with sticky gunk every time he sits outside. The best part? SAM’S MOSQUITO STICKS ARE BEING DELIVERED ON SUNDAY. Holy crap! Our first-ever Sunday delivery from Amazon! I also ordered a pair of attractive fake clay pots so he can stand up the sticks in a some sand. I think of everything.

And now ... Kory Watkins, undisputed dipshit, Second Amendment activist and leader of Open Carry Texas who was featured as a Putz of the Week in a previous Howdygram post back on May 9, filed a lawsuit this week against the city of Arlington because the town leaders banned his heavily-armed muzzlestroking ammosexuals from approaching vehicles on foot at busy intersections to hand out Constitutions. To date they’ve also been banned from bringing their military assault weapons into Sonic, Chili’s, Chipotle, Starbucks, Texas Roadhouse, Jack in the Box, Smashburger, Staples, Wendy’s, Applebee’s and members of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission (liquor stores).
So far the only establishment that’s been friendly to Open Carry’s terrorists are the clueless clods at Home Depot who decided to allow a rally tomorrow morning in the parking lot of their Richland Hills store near Fort Worth so Open Carry can recruit even more douchebags and give away revolvers, assault rifles and hundreds of rounds of ammo. They also have a guest speaker from Oath Keepers, the unstable extremist group supporting welfare rancher Cliven Bundy’s war against the federal government. I ask you, what could go wrong?

Bottom line? There are better options for your home improvement needs, people. STAY AWAY FROM HOME DEPOT.

And now it’s time for a teeny can of Frito bean dip and some one-carb Lowrey’s bacon curls.
Thank you for reading this.

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