Happy April Fool’s Day from the Queen and Donald Trump.

In this post: Scary crap, remodeling, dried fruit, Doris Day Day.

Believe it or not I spent most of the morning trying to figure out something clever to post for April Fool’s Day, but I came up short except for this ... and I apologize profusely if it scares the living crap out of you.

And now I’ve got some breaking news from Howdygram headquarters. Apparently the shower in our master bathroom has to be COMPLETELY REMODELED in the extremely near future (most likely next week) because the problems are way more complicated than just new caulk and grout. We found out that water has been sneaking behind our marble shower bench for a really long time, so Clayton — our professional Grout Doctor dude — gave us an estimate this morning to dismantle the glass shower enclosure, remove and clean the tiles, take apart the marble bench, replace the entire structure with new wood, sheetrock, mouldings and baseboards, and then put it all back together. This is definitely a holy crap moment that we didn’t anticipate less than one month after buying a new water heater, but what the hell … we have plenty of extra dough set aside for household emergencies because: 1) we save; 2) we never go anywhere; and 3) we don’t have kids. Stay tuned for additional developments but please feel free to continue your normal routine in the meantime.

I ordered a large quantity of dried fruit for Sam this morning from Nuts.com. He’s trying to take off some weight left over from winter hibernation and needs something sweet to fill the void now that he’s sworn off muffins, Brownie Brittle, apple fritters and donuts. So I bought him five pounds of Turkish apricots, pineapple chunks and kiwi, which posed for the portrait posted below. (Nuts.com also sells really cute dried blackberries but I didn’t want to get too carried away on my first visit.)

As a final wrap-up before I throw in another load of laundry (sue me; I’m slow) I’d like to announce one of my favorite annual TCM film festivals: DORIS DAY DAY. Tune in on Thursday, April 3 — Doris’s 92nd birthday — for 12 of her best movies. Unfortunately, one of my favorites has always been Midnight Lace (1960) with Rex Harrison but I’ve never seen it on TCM and nobody else ever shows it, either.

To get back on topic, though, here’s TCM’s Doris Day Day schedule for April 3. My personal picks are highlighted with teeny red stars.

• I’ll See You in My Dreams (1951) with Danny Thomas.
• April in Paris (1952), a semi-drecky musical comedy with Ray Bolger.
• Calamity Jane (1953) with Howard Keel.
• Love Me or Leave Me (1955) with James Cagney. ★
• The Tunnel of Love (1958) with Richard Widmark. ★
• Please Don’t Eat the Daisies (1960) with David Niven. ★
• Lover Come Back (1961) with Rock Hudson. ★
• Send Me No Flowers (1964) with Rock Hudson. ★
• The Thrill of It All (1963) with James Garner. ★
• Move Over, Darling (1963) with James Garner.
• Billy Rose’s Jumbo (1962) with Stephen Boyd and Jimmy Durante.
• With Six You Get Eggroll (1968) with Brian Keith.

Thank you for paying attention. Marcy has left the building.