My pre-dawn Internet treasure hunt.

I love getting up before sunrise because I can shop while everybody else in Texas is still asleep, such as Sam. And even though I’m basically just shopping online, for me it’s like sneaking into the mall before they open the doors. In a bathrobe with bed hair, no less.

And so ... five minutes ago I placed my very first order with eDietShop.com! This included one each of the following products: sugar-free chocolate mousse mix, sugar-free pumpkin pie filling mix, sugar-free raspberry gelatin (one $3.89 pouch makes 32 ½-cup servings) and sugar-free chocolate cheesecake mix. Grand total: $14.87. This is damn exciting and I don’t care who knows it. You, too, can own sugar-free treasures just like these:

After I finished ordering I answered one of those dopey BizRate surveys, thereby qualifying for up to FOUR FREE MAGAZINES for a whole year. I normally don’t bother with crapola like this but today I took the bait. I ordered “Taste of Home” (cooking and recipes) but decided to skip the rest due to a paralyzing disinterest in bowhunting, Latina fashion, black entrepreneurs, cigars, outdoor photography and motorcycle repair. There were also three vapid pop culture periodicals with assorted Kardashians on the covers (excuse me for a minute while I vomit) and one that featured yet another plastic, reprocessed portrait of 65-year-old Paula Deen (see above), the Food Network’s reigning Queen of Butter, that’s been Photoshopped into unrecognizable oblivion.

I think I’ll go back to bed for a little while and try to warm up my feet on Sam. I’m married to a human heater. Shalom, y’all.