Syrup, forks, butter, plates and napkins may be purchased separately.

The Dallas Observer has started listing its 100 Favorite Dishes in Dallas, and #99 appeared a couple of days ago ... the bone marrow entree at the Meddlesome Moth restaurant on Oak Lawn Avenue. This makes me want to vomit on a couple of different levels.

First, nobody in their right mind, unless you’re named Spot or Fido, would ever scoop the soft shit out of an ACTUAL ANIMAL BONE and consider it a meal. Second, even more disgusting than the entree are the name and logo of the restaurant itself. Sorry, dudes, but “Meddlesome Moth” isn’t trendy, upscale or clever. It’s SICKENING. Why not call yourself the “Concocted Cockroach” or the “Ticklish Tarantula”? The home page of their website — which features a REAL ANIMATED MOTH — genuinely gives me a panic attack! 

If this is the best they can do, God bless Burger King. Seriously.

In other food news, the Ol’ South Pancake House in Fort Worth is celebrating its 50th anniversary by giving away free “short stacks” of buttermilk pancakes on May 15. There’s still plenty of time to fly into town for a free meal because the celebration lasts until midnight tonight.

Ol’ South is located at 1509 S. University in Fort Worth. Syrup, forks, butter, plates and napkins may be purchased separately. (Just kidding.)

Thank you for reading this.

If I play my cards right I won’t have to wear shoes or a brassiere or even open the front door.

It’s 9:45 in the morning as I begin this post and I’ve already made the bed, checked my blood sugar and taken a small fistful of pills. I have no other plans for the day whatsoever aside from eating a variety of generally strange food, talking to Sam, folding two bath towels, taking an afternoon nap and watching “Deadliest Catch” and “Hardcore Pawn.” If I play my cards right I won’t have to wear shoes or a brassiere or even open the front door, since I’m not expecting any deliveries until tomorrow.

I love my life. It may be dull but it’s exceptionally satisfying.

Actually, I can always count on amusing emails to perk up my day, such as one I just received from FiltersFast.com. Keep in mind, this is the website where I spend $29.95 once a year for a water filter for our GE Profile refrigerator, and for some reason that defies logic the company finds it necessary to send out a weekly email ad packed with “sizzling hot deals.” For your possible interest — although I can’t imagine why — today’s specials include: 1) the ED Lab Indoor Air Home Mold Test Kit for $37.99; 2) filters for your Kenmore whole-house humidifier at two for $10.99; and 3) the ever-popular Bemis West Bend 5-inch Humidifier Filter Belt on sale for $7.99. Glorioski, let’s go shopping!

Before I shlep myself into the kitchen for an early lunch because I’m starving, here’s the lousy plastic surgery edition of our Holy Crap Gallery.

From our Huge Red Flag department I find it necessary here to dispute Charo’s current age. She claims she was born in 1951 (the same year as me) but her performance credits list “The Ed Sullivan Show” in the early 1960s, at which time she was already married to bandleader Xavier Cugat but wants us to believe she was only 13 years old. Fat chance. I remember seeing Charo on TV when I was in junior high and there’s no way we’re the same age. The crazy “cuchi-cuchi” girl sliced a decade from her birth certificate.

It’s definitely time for food. Thank you for reading this.

Mark your calendar for Sugar-Free Slurpees.

I had to add one more post tonight before shlepping off to bed because I just read some breaking news on Foodbeast. Beginning in June, 7-Eleven will introduce SLURPEE LITE, sugar-free Slurpees sweetened with Splenda for frustrated diabetic junk food screwballs like moi. Mark your calendar! June’s sugar-free flavors will be Mango and Watermelon-Lime followed by Strawberry-Banana and Lemon Creme in July and Cherry Limeade and Orange Xplosion in August. Holy crap, I’m ready to stand in line for mine TODAY because I’m having an advance brain hemorrhage for the Mango and Lemon Creme.

From our World’s Stupidest Restaurants department, please take a minute from your busy schedule to check out the following photos. The first is “Dinner in the Sky,” featuring a table for 22 that’s suspended by crane 50 meters above the street in Brussels. Let’s hope nobody has to pee. The second is “Un Cafe con Perón” (“A Coffee with Perón”) in Buenos Aires, where you can dine with a wax statue of the former dictator who actually died in 1974. Posing with Señor Faux Perón is Lorenzo Pepe, director of the Juan Perón Institute. They’re both pretty damn scary and it’s hard to tell which one’s the statue.

Don’t forget to send an email if you’re interested in that great 20% discount deal from Schwan’s (see my earlier post). Thank you for reading this.

Meet “Professor Catfish.”

It’s your lucky day because I’ve got another Holy Crap Gallery for you, this time featuring the original James Bond heart-throbs from decades past ... Sean Connery and Roger Moore. Personally, I think Connery still looks great; Moore not so much, but he’s 85 and cross-eyed so I’ll cut him some slack.

Have you ever Googled an extremely meaningless person from your past that you haven’t really thought about for a bunch of decades? I did, a couple of hours ago. I Googled my former boss from the Southern Gas Association ... back when I lived in Dallas in 1987 with my first husband. This is what I found online (see below) with the caption “Meet Professor Catfish.” He currently lives in the vicinity of Wichita, Kansas, and apparently has a whole new career. I’m thinking he should also consider a guest spot on “Hee Haw.”

Breaking news. I’ve discovered two more FANTASTIC FOOD WEBSITES that I’d like to share with you! The first is Asian Food Grocer, based in San Francisco, where you can buy just about anything you’d find in an Asian supermarket with the possible exception of live eels or an octopus. The products I ordered today are pictured below, clockwise from top left: 1) shirataki — zero calories and zero carbs! — noodle dumplings; 2) two bags of dried shiitake mushrooms; 3) three containers of shirataki noodles in sesame ginger sauce; 4) firm tofu; and 5) ready-to-eat shirataki “lunch boxes” in a couple of potentially awesome flavors (wasabi and Szechwan).

Asian Food Grocer even offers cheap flat-rate shipping when you spend $25, which provides an excellent opportunity to load up on a ton of amazing crapola because nearly everything they sell costs less than $1.50. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it.

My other new discovery is the National Mustard Museum, an adorable website from Wisconsin that sells every kind of mustard on the planet and possibly even a few from Mars. I haven’t ordered anything yet, however, because I’m currently assessing my overall mustard requirements. (Translation: I don’t need any.)

And finally, I ordered two more freeze-dried textured vegetable protein whatnots today from Shelf Reliance: 1) crumbled breakfast sausage TVP; and 2) taco-seasoned beef TVP that apparently tastes like Taco Bell meat. Since I’ve always got high-fiber low-carb flour tortillas in the house I figure I can make myself some cheap and healthy faux Mexican food with the TVP and a teeny wad of shredded cheese.

Now that I’m officially STARVING I think it’s time to migrate into the kitchen and figure out what’s for dinner. Thanks for stopping by.

Don’t let your children grow up to be Einsteins.

Hi-de-ho, Howdygramsters. I just shlepped three bags of trash to the curb for pick-up day and realized that — yee-haw! — we’ve got another glorious spring morning here in Texas! It’s 74° with lots of sunshine, clear blue skies and way too many stupid birdies chirping like maniacs.

For breakfast this morning I tried a product that I ordered from Schwan’s last week for the first time ... their English Muffin Sandwich. Know what? It’s better than anything you can buy at McDonald’s and I didn’t have to wait at a drive-through window to get it! Sam tried one of these sandwiches last week and pronounced it “kind of tasteless,” but I think that’s because he typically eats two glazed doughnuts for breakfast with a half-gallon of black coffee. (His tastebuds are shot to hell.)

And as long as I’m on the subject, I’ve been receiving email from Schwan’s pestering me to sign up my friends and relatives. If I give them your name and email address and you decide to try their service — there’s no membership fee, by the way — you’ll get 20% off your first order of $40 or more. That’s actually a pretty good deal if you think about it for a minute. When was the last time anybody gave you 20% off on groceries, delivered to your front door by a smiling doofus in a uniform? Please send an email to let me know if you’re interested. I’ll even recommend my favorite Schwan’s products, pictured below with their corresponding catalog numbers.

I just read an article on Yahoo’s news website that kids treated in emergency rooms after swallowing batteries — or shoving them in their noses and ears — has nearly doubled during the past 20 years. I don’t know what the hell’s going on, but maybe somebody should consider feeding these little Einsteins a plate of gefilte fish or a nice Schwan’s bagel dog. The future of our country may be at stake here. I’m just saying.

Thank you for reading this.

Fudge is the best crap on earth, especially when it arrives in a six-pack.

It’s my official Sunday night quiet time here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam’s out of town, I’ve watched this week’s episodes of “Real Housewives of New Jersey” and “Mad Men,” and I’m getting ready to inject insulin and take a fistful of pills. Is this a great life, or what? In case you care, for dinner I had gefilte fish with horseradish, a hunk of sugar-free cake with chocolate frosting and two cups of hot & sour soup with a bunch of cubed tofu. In that order. (Sometimes I want dessert in the middle of my meal. Get over it.)

News flash. I just subscribed to Smucker’s Sugar Free Hot Fudge on Amazon and my first six jars will be here by Wednesday! This is fantastic on a number of different levels, but mostly because: 1) it’s sometimes hard to find this product in a retail store; and 2) fudge is the best crap on earth, especially when it arrives in a six-pack.

I think I’d better straighten up the kitchen and get myself to bed early tonight. Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

Gefilte fish, frosted cake and Irene Dunne. Happy Mother’s Day.

To all you moms out there I’d like to to extend the Howdygram’s sincere wish for a Really Happy Mother’s Day. I hope somebody else scrambled your eggs this morning and didn’t leave any dishes in the sink.

I sent my mom flowers this year, a tremendous Mother’s Day bouquet from Costco that must have been extraordinary because she raved about it at least three times when we talked. (Hot tip: Bookmark the floral department at Costco.com.) Mom lives in a nursing facility in suburban Chicago. That’s her (see right) in a photo taken last fall; she’ll be 90 in November. Personally, I find it inspirational that she gets her hair done every week and still wears makeup.

I’m thinking maybe she has a secret boyfriend.

In case you’ve been following Marcy’s Adventures in Diabetesland I’d like to report that INSULIN IS FINALLY WORKING and my blood sugar numbers have plummeted substantially! For the last three mornings my fasting blood glucose has been NORMAL ... 116, 109 and 114. (Compare this to a couple of weeks ago when my morning average was around 275.) I’m actually excited enough to bake myself a cake!* Please send an email if you’d like to come over later to share it with me. I’m also serving gefilte fish and we can watch I Remember Mama starring Irene Dunne on TCM. Thank you for reading this.

*Relax. It’s a Pillsbury sugar-free yellow cake mix with sugar-free chocolate frosting.

It’s not a good idea to eat dinner watching a prizefight unless you’re a closet bulimic.

Know what? I’ve developed some strange television preferences during the last couple of years. Aside from enjoying quality reality programming such as “Hardcore Pawn,” “Real Housewives of New Jersey” and “Project Runway,” I’m also into sports, and I figure this is probably because we’ve got a pretty cool Sony 60-inch TV. I like to watch PGA golf, NFL football and — most recently — championship boxing.

Last night on HBO I watched the May 5 Cotto/Mayweather fight, during which a really well-matched pair of scrappy boneheads pummeled the crap out of each other for 12 rounds at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. I definitely surprise myself when I watch something like this because I don’t seem to mind the violence of boxing. What I do mind, however, is what goes on in the corners between rounds. You get these intense, high-definition close-ups of the aforementioned boneheads dripping sweat while their helpers shout instructions, shove foot-long Q-tips up their noses and massage them with wads of Vaseline. Just for fun you also get to see them drool, spit water and bleed from their eyebrows. (Hint: it’s NOT a good idea to eat dinner watching a prizefight unless you’re a closet bulimic.)

It’s weird in the house when Sam’s out of town so maybe I should just go to bed since there’s nobody to talk to, I can’t think of anything else to eat and I already took all my night-time pills. Thank you for reading this.

My love affair with beef textured vegetable protein.

A series of obnoxious political robo calls ruined a perfectly wonderful Saturday afternoon nap for me today FOUR TIMES IN LESS THAN AN HOUR. And all this hoo-hah is for the Mesquite City Council, no less. Two robo calls warned me that candidate Brian Hutcheson is accused of accepting an illegal campaign contribution from the Dallas Apartment Association — they must be confusing me with somebody who cares about this — and two more were from Brian himself, who clearly sounded hysterical trying to convince me that his opponent is a liar. Apparently I’m not the only Mesquite citizen who doesn’t give a crap, however, because I drove past our polling place this afternoon and there were 26,715 signs lining the sidewalk and ZERO CARS IN THE LOT. Brian Hutcheson is the dude standing on the left in the picture below. I’m sorry nobody’s wearing a cowboy hat.

From our Relatives-on-the-Go department, I’m pleased to report that Sam arrived safely in southern California today for a seven-day visit. I drove him to the Dallas/Fort Worth airport this morning and sent him on his way from Terminal D. For your possible interest here is a representative image of his American Airlines flight landing at LAX. The plane is exceptionally shiny.

And now I’d like to share the latest entry in our Holy Crap Gallery in case you frequently lose sleep wondering whatever happened to the original cast of “The Love Boat,” which sailed on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Personally, I would never recognize Ted Lange or Lauren Tewes in a million years but Gavin McLeod is amazing at 81 and Bernie Kopell still looks like Bernie, except pruny.

Tonight’s first Sam-less evening meal at Howdygram headquarters will be homemade mushroom barley soup, which I haven’t actually started yet because I’m still writing this post. I plan to use the freeze-dried mushrooms and chicken TVP (textured vegetable protein) I ordered not long ago from Shelf Reliance. These products are awesome and I love having them in the pantry. Beef TVP is my favorite, though. It’s perfect in soup or chili, tastes wonderful, rehydrates in less than five minutes and has the texture of finely-shredded brisket or pot roast. You can order it here. (I buy the #10 can. It lasts a long time.)

I’ll probably be writing lots of posts in Sam’s absence since I have nothing else to do this week except eat, check my blood sugar, bring in the mail and watch movies. Live and be well, okay?

No way, pal. I refuse to shlep myself up your freight ramp into the kitchen.

I know I promised to write a review for Cole Mountain Restaurant today (see previous post) but I can’t because we never actually ate there. And it’s not because we didn’t try. The parking lot was filled with the intoxicating smell of a mesquite wood smoker but as soon as we opened the front door we were faced with a FULL FLIGHT OF STAIRS ... not exactly a friendly way to greet handicapped seniors like yours truly who walk with a cane! Sam went inside to find out if they had another entrance I could use but I decided to decline the opportunity to shlep myself up a freight ramp into the kitchen. We eventually wound up at El Nogalito, our favorite little Tex-Mex joint a few blocks away. They have nice waiters and their guacamole is almost as good as mine.

The map below indicates: A) El Nogalito Restaurant in Terrell, Texas; and B) Cole Mountain Restaurant with the crappy staircase a few blocks away.

For your possible interest I just bought a few more wonderful soup mixes from Soups Online, which is my new favorite website after Amazon and Wal-Mart.

And now for something truly unique on a Thursday night, here’s the weather in Scotland as delivered by Prince Charles.

I’d better figure out a quick late dinner because all of a sudden I’m starving. Gefilte fish, baloney and/or leftover Chinese food immediately come to mind. Drop me a note if you’d like me to save some for you, okay? Thank you for reading this.

Real Texans don’t want to smell like longhorns.

It’s Thursday in Texas. The weather is BEYOND PERFECT (sunny, clear, 82°), Sam is out buying mulch and fertilizer for the tree in our back yard, and I’m in the middle of a laundry marathon that began about an hour ago with polo shirts, jeans, shorts and dark tees. In the event you seriously give a crap about this, the next three loads will include whites, sheets and bath towels. The folding party starts at 3:45 if you’d like to drop in. I’ll be serving Loma Linda fake hotdogs with Vlasic sugar-free bread & butter pickles and hot mustard. Come hungry!

My blood sugar numbers are lower today in case you’d like to know. Dr. M told me to continue my current protocol with Lantus (once-a-day insulin) for the time being and send her another email in two weeks. Yay, I guess.

And now for something completely different! To celebrate the fact that real Texans do NOT want to smell like longhorns I just ordered myself a couple of essentials (pictured below) that might interest you. I bought Maja (my favorite fragrance) on sale VERY VERY CHEAP from Overstock Perfume and a three-pack of Suave’s Everlasting Sunshine Body Wash — glorioski! a brand new scent! — from Amazon.

Sam and I watched a terrific movie last night ... Foreign Correspondent (1940) with Joel McCrea, Laraine Day, George Sanders and Herbert Marshall. This one’s an impeccable, four-star Hitchcock thriller set in Europe just before World War II and it’s one of my all-time favorites. You can watch the entire film for free on the Internet Movie Database. Popcorn is not included.

As soon as Sam gets back from his doctor’s appointment (probably around 1:15) we’ll be taking a drive to Terrell to eat hamburgers at Cole Mountain. This will be our first visit. Cole Mountain has a genuine Texas menu (steaks and barbecue) but their charcoal-grilled burgers get five-star reviews. A seriously tacky YouTube promotional video appears below along with a handy map.

Indicated above are: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Cole Mountain Restaurant in Terrell. I’m figuring it’s about 22 miles each way as the cow-pie flies.

Stay tuned for a restaurant review when we get home and thanks a million for reading this.

Prehistoric flying reptiles, lots of bombs and exploding mountains.

I forgot to include a tidbit in my last post … a quick review of Rodan, that classic Japanese monster movie from 1957 featuring volcanoes, bombs, exploding mountains, thousands of people screaming in the streets, enormous prehistoric reptiles flying at twice the speed of sound and plenty of hilarious dubbed dialog guaranteed to make you think of Woody Allen’s What’s Up Tiger Lily. (You remember Phil Moskowitz, don’t you?)

Rodan was actually a very impressive and enjoyable effort for the 1950s ... a big-budget hoo-hah filmed in Technicolor with a huge cast — the entire population of Japan! — and innovative special effects. I even liked the flying reptiles. A video clip of the original movie trailer appears below.



Thank you for reading this. Turn out the lights when you’re done, okay?

You cannot send your husband to visit his mother without a suitcase full of exceptionally white socks.

Eureka, holy crap and glorioski! Thanks to a brilliant suggestion by my brilliant husband Sam, I just Googled and found something I’ve been searching for since the mid-1980s. It’s Mad Magazine’s centerfold lampoon of a Chinese restaurant menu — one of the most hilarious parodies I’ve ever read — and I’m pleased to include it here for your Wednesday entertainment. Click the image (below) to expand to full size. Please read the entire menu. If you’re not wiping your eyes halfway through the first column there’s something seriously wrong with you.

For the record, my favorite menu items are Baby Corn with Adoption Papers, Happy Bacteria Cup and Boneless Pudding. How about you?

Speaking of brilliant Sam, he’s leaving on Saturday for seven days in California to visit relatives and friends. In his absence I plan to fill my days and nights with old movies, baloney tacos* and a plethora of Howdygram posts on every subject imaginable. (Plus a few subjects you probably can’t imagine.) In the meantime I’m finishing up a ton of laundry because you cannot send your husband to visit his mother without a suitcase full of exceptionally white socks.

*I’m also planning a gefilte fish festival. Please send an email to reserve your spot!

And now for the latest news from Great Britian — the world’s leading authority on preposterous rituals — where Queen Elizabeth II, pictured at right, delivered a dull but beautifully-pronounced speech to Parliament today from the House of Lords outlining the nation’s economic plans for the year ahead. Ceremonial details include: 1) the Queen’s crown travels from the palace to Parliament in a separate coach; 2) because the Queen isn’t allowed to set foot in the House of Commons, her official messenger — known as the “Black Rod” — has to summon them to her speech; 3) according to tradition, the House of Commons slams the door in the dude’s face; 4) the aforementioned dude has to pound on the aforementioned door with a fancy black stick to get everybody’s attention; and 5) they all line up behind him to parade over to the House of Lords. I’m not exactly sure if clowns or musical instruments are involved.

Apparently this is all MANDATORY. The fancy black stick ritual dates back to 1361 and the first “Black Rod” was named Walter Whitehorse. Seriously, don’t you just LOVE the Brits? It’s as if we’d expect the President of the United States to dress up in a George Washington costume for his inaugration, complete with short satin pants and a powdered wig. Try to picture it.

I ordered some swell crap yesterday from my pals at Amazon.com. This time it’s Chicken of the Sea pink salmon — which has more flavor than tuna and is actually a LOT healthier — and six 32-oz. containers of College Inn chicken broth. As a semi-lazy senior citizen it’s a comfort to know I won’t have to shlep those half-ton boxes of broth home from the grocery store because the happy slaves at UPS will deliver them right to my front door. If I look pathetic enough maybe they’ll even load them into the pantry for me. God, I love UPS.

I was getting ready to report great news about my blood sugar numbers but (as usual) I think I jinxed myself. My lunch-time “postprandial” reading — taken two hours after I ate — spiked to 300, twice what it should be, and I have no idea why. Yesterday’s numbers were terrific; today’s SUCK. I’m supposed to contact Dr. M tomorrow to discuss my progress on insulin and I’m sorry to say there’s been almost no progress at all. Stay tuned for the next chapter of Marcy’s Adventures in Diabetesland.

I guess that’s about it for now because it’s time to retrieve a couple of deliveries that UPS just dropped off. Today’s treasures include Simply Jif peanut butter and Extra-Strength Tylenol from Wal-Mart and hand soap refills from Drugstore.com. However I don’t want to wake Sam, who’s sound asleep in the family room watching The Bishop’s Wife on TCM. Thank you, as always, for reading this.

Sulphur Springs, Texas, features photogenic longhorns and the China House buffet.

I’d like to begin with a quick review of the last 48 hours in case you’re wondering what the hell I’ve been doing. Aside from several spectacular naps, Sam and I enjoyed a scenic Sunday morning road trip to Sulphur Springs, Texas. We saw lots of photogenic longhorns and dined at the China House buffet — a very pleasant surprise — where we enjoyed above-average dumplings, pork in garlic sauce, sweet & sour chicken, good service and Blue Bell ice cream. We initially attempted to eat at the Metro Diner on the opposite side of the freeway but it smelled like an old ash tray so we never got past the front door. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) China House in Sulphur Springs. In case you give a crap, it’s a little more than halfway to Texarkana, Arkansas.

And here, for your possible interest, are the happy owners of China House buffet posing with a bunch of food. Their son (not pictured) serves a dual role as napkin expediter and supervisor of soft drink refills.

Although I’m sure you’ve read the news by now, actor George Lindsey — Goober from “The Andy Griffith Show” — passed away yesterday after a brief illness. He was 83. Lindsey’s Goober character joined the show in 1964, appeared in the spinoff series “Mayberry R.F.D.” and then hooked up with “Hee Haw” in a similar role for several years after that. Basically the dude played Goober his entire life, which is a little creepy, if you ask me. Rest in peace, Goob.

Here’s something fun. I ordered myself a couple of cute Lysol No-Touch Hand Soap Systems yesterday. They dispense antibacterial hand soap with an electronic sensor and you can get refills in all kinds of pleasant fragrances. I bought the hand soap systems from Wal-Mart.com because they were 50% cheaper than anywhere else (only $6.97 with one refill included) and then ordered three extra soap refills on sale from Drugstore.com. Check back soon for a product review.

Glorioski, we’ve got a THUNDERSTORM rolling through here right now! After practically no rain whatoever during the month of April it’s nice to hear the sound of free water pounding against the roof again. We’re expecting thunderstorms almost all night long and regular showers all day today. Yee-haw!

And finally, I’d like to recommend a well-written article on the Dallas Observer’s website titled “Mitt Romney: American Parasite.” The Howdygram considers this required reading and we sincerely hope you’ll spend a few minutes enlightening yourself. Mitt Romney does not belong in the White House and it’s up to us to make sure he doesn’t get there. I kid you not.

I guess I should go to bed now because I love listening to the sound of rain when I’m falling asleep. I might also pester Sam so he can listen with me. Thank you for reading this.

Memoir of a hungry, diabetic senior citizen.

Ever wondered what a hungry, diabetic senior citizen does for fun at 3:15 in the morning? I suck TicTacs and prowl around on Amazon ordering Carb-Nada egg fettucini and Bear Creek Darn Good Chili. These are two fabulous products and you should buy them as soon as possible. FYI, Amazon’s prices are excellent if you don’t mind buying six at a time plus there’s also free shipping!

Incidentally, I made Bear Creek chili last night for dinner and even Sam loved it. The instructions tell you to boil 7 cups of water, stir in the mix and one can of tomato paste and simmer for 25 minutes. Holy crap, you wind up with half a gallon of truly amazing stuff and don’t need to throw in anything extra to make it better, although I gave it a shot of cayenne pepper at the last minute because we like our chili with heat. To tell you the truth, I like just about anything with heat except for baloney tacos.

During dinner Sam and I watched The Wasp Woman ... a genuinely terrible science fiction movie from 1959 directed by shlockmeister Roger Corman and starring a variety of strange actors with no visible talent whatsoever. The basic plot? Jan Starlin, the 40-something owner of a cosmetics company, is starting to look old so she hires a scientist who’s promoting a secret fountain of youth formula made from “wasp enzymes.” Jan gets impatient with his lab protocol and starts injecting herself secretly with large doses, turning into a human wasp at night who buzzes around in the office building murdering fat janitors with transistor radios. This is definitely as stupid as it sounds. (Maybe worse.)

The movie bears no resemblance to the poster pictured above for the following reasons: 1) the film was shot in black and white; 2) there are no skulls or half-naked men; 3) the actual “wasp woman” never winds up with the body of an insect because she wears a black wool dress, stiletto heels and a ridiculous PLASTIC MASK (pictured below); and 4) the story is supposed to be based in Manhattan but you can see low-rise buildings and palm trees in all the outdoor shots. Roger Corman had a budget of about $20,000 to make this film but judging from the final product he must have had enough money left to take the cast on a cruise.

This would probably be a fine time to stop typing and hit the sack since my eyes are tired and Sam’s already been asleep for more than three hours. Thank you for reading this, and I mean it sincerely.

Saturday lunch options: baloney tacos, Big Franks in a can or leftover Mongolian chicken.

Good morning from Texas, y’all. Got anything exciting planned for today? If not, turn on your TV around 4 p.m. (Central time) because it’s the first Saturday in May and time once again for the Kentucky Derby, that annual southern extravaganza of stupid hats and teeny dudes riding expensive horses, as depicted below for your possible interest.

For the golf fans among you, it looks like Tiger Woods has screwed up again ... this time at the Wells Fargo Championship at Quail Hollow when he didn’t make the cut yesterday after round two. This dude’s game is really in the toilet and I can’t figure out why he’s still entering so many tournaments, especially after last month’s disaster at the Masters. Hey! It rhymes! Seriously, doesn’t Tiger have anything else to fall back on? Like hosting at a restaurant or selling Amway? For his next birthday somebody — his mother, for instance — should buy him a gift certificate for career counseling.

Diabetes bargains abound! I just ordered FOUR BOXES of 50 FreeStyle Lite test strips — enough to last me a few months — from Amazon because the weather’s getting warmer and you don’t want to mail-order heat-sensitive products like glucose test strips in the middle of summer around here when it’s hot enough to fry a couple of eggs on the hood of your Hyundai. In case you’re wondering, no, this was NOT a fun way to spend $107, but test strips on Amazon cost about 70% less than buying them from a pharmacy so at least I know I got a decent deal.

Anybody been following that story about Patricia Krentcil, the “tanning mom” from New Jersey? She’s that belligerent, partly-toothless, leather-faced Einstein who took her five-year-old daughter into a tanning booth with her and wound up getting arrested on April 24 when the kid showed up at school burned to a crisp. Krentcil has been released on bond but faces up to 10 years in prison if she’s convicted of child endangerment. When asked by a TMZ reporter if she considered the case to be a witch hunt, Krentcil replied: “Yes. They’re jealous, they’re fat and they’re ugly.”

I’m desperately in need of lunch. A couple of Big Franks with mustard or leftover Mongolian chicken immediately come to mind, but I could also do a low-carb bagel with American cheese or a tasty baloney taco (Oscar Mayer baloney in a low-carb flour tortilla). Just in case you haven’t paid attention to my earlier posts, Big Franks are soy hotdogs in a can. I love them.

If you want to join me for lunch please RSVP via email within the next 10 minutes. Thank you for reading this.

It’s time once again for Cinco de Mayo, the annual Mexican mayonnaise festival.

I’ll begin with some good news from our Beat the Internet department, because I’m pleased to report that I finally found out how to sneak past the irritating year-old paywall on the Dallas Morning News’ website! The secret? Just Google an article’s headline and click through from the search results. Glorioski! I don’t have to invest $9.95 per month to read Leslie Brenner’s restaurant reviews or screwy local news stories, including ongoing city council wars, the Dallas Arboretum’s proposal to mow a field of wildflowers in order to add extra parking and who killed the buffalo calf in Hunt County.

It’s time once again to wish y’all a happy Cinco de Mayo, the popular but mysterious annual Mexican festival that coincidentally shares the same date this year with the Kentucky Derby and the 20th anniversary of the Los Angeles riots. According to Wikipedia, Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Day of the Battle of Puebla, which was the Mexican army’s victory over French forces on May 5, 1862. I don’t know about you, but until I read this article about 15 minutes ago I had no idea the French ever set foot in Mexico before Puerto Vallarta started building resorts in the 1980s. And can somebody please explain how mayonnaise got involved. Thank you.

For the gourmets among you, please note that Amazon offers excellent discount prices on gefilte fish. I ordered six jars of Manischewitz yesterday for the Howdygram’s pantry and will send Sam to Tom Thumb sometime this weekend to load up on the requisite stockpile of accompanying horseradish. (God bless horseradish.)

Show of hands. Is anybody besides me getting bombarded by AARP? During the past couple of days I’ve received email on the following frightening topics:

• “Our Favorite Recipes for Modern Meatballs.” As opposed to prehistoric meatballs.
• “Eight Places to Find Extra Cash.” Not including Sam’s wallet, right?
• “Songs You Need in Your Music Collection.” They actually recommend “Gangsta’s Paradise” by Coolio. Who the hell is Coolio?
• “How to Choose the Right Nursing Home.” Swell.
• “What Your Fingernails Are Trying to Tell You.” I’m not listening. Tell them to send me an email.

And finally, I’d like to recommend an amazing old movie I saw yesterday ... Dynamite (1929) starring Charles Bickford, Kay Johnson and Conrad Nagel and directed by Cecil B. DeMille (his first talking picture). Here’s a quick peek at the plot. A shallow flapper socialite (Kay Johnson) is set to inherit millions from her grandfather but only if she’s married on her 23rd birthday. Since Johnson’s boyfriend (Nagel) is an already-married man with an estranged wife who refuses to divorce him, she gets a brainstorm — this is the good part! — to marry a condemned convict (Bickford) who’s scheduled to die 24 hours later. He thinks she’s crazy but agrees to go through with it after she hands him $10,000 to help support his kid sister, who would end up in an orphanage after his execution. (Note: THIS IS NOT A COMEDY.) After a tear-jerker wedding scene on death row with background noise from workmen pounding on the gallows, Bickford is pardoned at the last minute after the real killer confesses, and then he surprises his new wife by showing up on her doorstep to honor their marriage vows. Holy crap, right? Others in the cast include Julia Faye and Joel McCrea, who’s very young and very adorable.

A strange-but-true fact: Kay Johnson is the mother of actor James Cromwell, who played the farmer in Babe and the corrupt police captain in L.A. Confidential.

Ah, bedtime at last. Thank you for reading this.

Introducing our “Holy Crap” Gallery, guaranteed to scare you half to death.

I’ve been wanting to write this post since yesterday afternoon but — no kidding — sometimes I just can’t fire up enough creative juice to get started. I think I’m finally ready, however, so grab yourself a can of ice cold whatever and get comfortable!

First of all, in case you’re wondering what we’ve been up to lately, allow me to share this recent photo of Sam enjoying his two favorite hobbies: bronco busting and calf roping. This was taken last weekend at Mesquite’s Real Texas Festival.

By now it’s no secret that Newt Gingrich, the egomaniacal doofus more interested in posing with zoo animals than meeting actual voters, has officially given up his bid for the GOP presidential nomination. And because he’s exiting the national stage (at last) I thought I’d take one more opportunity to post some exceptionally Newtish photos for your possible interest and amusement.

As long as I’m on the subject of great photos, effective today I’m pleased to introduce a swell new Howdygram feature! It’s our “Holy Crap” Gallery — photos of celebrities then and now — guaranteed to shock you, delight you and scare you half to death. Our first two entries appear below.

In case you’ve been following the day-to-day escapades of Marcy in Diabetesland, I feel compelled to report that my insulin injections still aren’t working very well yet. I’m up to 58 units of insulin daily — increasing the dose by six units every three days — but my blood sugar numbers are still twice as high as they should be (sometimes more). I’m not too freaked out, though, because Dr. M thinks I’ll eventually need around 80 units a day and there’s still a long way to go before I get to 80 units. In the meantime I’ve got lots of sugar-free crap to eat and a box of 200 needles to keep me company. Stay tuned.

If you and your loved ones are planning ahead for Halloween 2012 please exclude the following from your list of possible costumes. You’ll thank me for this one day.

I think it’s time to grab myself a quick snack and join Sam in the family room. He’s been asleep for the last hour or so but I’m hoping the right movie might wake him up, such as one of the Joel McCrea comedies I recorded last night.

Thanks for stopping by. Drop me a note sometime, okay?