Don’t let your children grow up to be Einsteins.

Hi-de-ho, Howdygramsters. I just shlepped three bags of trash to the curb for pick-up day and realized that — yee-haw! — we’ve got another glorious spring morning here in Texas! It’s 74° with lots of sunshine, clear blue skies and way too many stupid birdies chirping like maniacs.

For breakfast this morning I tried a product that I ordered from Schwan’s last week for the first time ... their English Muffin Sandwich. Know what? It’s better than anything you can buy at McDonald’s and I didn’t have to wait at a drive-through window to get it! Sam tried one of these sandwiches last week and pronounced it “kind of tasteless,” but I think that’s because he typically eats two glazed doughnuts for breakfast with a half-gallon of black coffee. (His tastebuds are shot to hell.)

And as long as I’m on the subject, I’ve been receiving email from Schwan’s pestering me to sign up my friends and relatives. If I give them your name and email address and you decide to try their service — there’s no membership fee, by the way — you’ll get 20% off your first order of $40 or more. That’s actually a pretty good deal if you think about it for a minute. When was the last time anybody gave you 20% off on groceries, delivered to your front door by a smiling doofus in a uniform? Please send an email to let me know if you’re interested. I’ll even recommend my favorite Schwan’s products, pictured below with their corresponding catalog numbers.

I just read an article on Yahoo’s news website that kids treated in emergency rooms after swallowing batteries — or shoving them in their noses and ears — has nearly doubled during the past 20 years. I don’t know what the hell’s going on, but maybe somebody should consider feeding these little Einsteins a plate of gefilte fish or a nice Schwan’s bagel dog. The future of our country may be at stake here. I’m just saying.

Thank you for reading this.