You cannot send your husband to visit his mother without a suitcase full of exceptionally white socks.

Eureka, holy crap and glorioski! Thanks to a brilliant suggestion by my brilliant husband Sam, I just Googled and found something I’ve been searching for since the mid-1980s. It’s Mad Magazine’s centerfold lampoon of a Chinese restaurant menu — one of the most hilarious parodies I’ve ever read — and I’m pleased to include it here for your Wednesday entertainment. Click the image (below) to expand to full size. Please read the entire menu. If you’re not wiping your eyes halfway through the first column there’s something seriously wrong with you.

For the record, my favorite menu items are Baby Corn with Adoption Papers, Happy Bacteria Cup and Boneless Pudding. How about you?

Speaking of brilliant Sam, he’s leaving on Saturday for seven days in California to visit relatives and friends. In his absence I plan to fill my days and nights with old movies, baloney tacos* and a plethora of Howdygram posts on every subject imaginable. (Plus a few subjects you probably can’t imagine.) In the meantime I’m finishing up a ton of laundry because you cannot send your husband to visit his mother without a suitcase full of exceptionally white socks.

*I’m also planning a gefilte fish festival. Please send an email to reserve your spot!

And now for the latest news from Great Britian — the world’s leading authority on preposterous rituals — where Queen Elizabeth II, pictured at right, delivered a dull but beautifully-pronounced speech to Parliament today from the House of Lords outlining the nation’s economic plans for the year ahead. Ceremonial details include: 1) the Queen’s crown travels from the palace to Parliament in a separate coach; 2) because the Queen isn’t allowed to set foot in the House of Commons, her official messenger — known as the “Black Rod” — has to summon them to her speech; 3) according to tradition, the House of Commons slams the door in the dude’s face; 4) the aforementioned dude has to pound on the aforementioned door with a fancy black stick to get everybody’s attention; and 5) they all line up behind him to parade over to the House of Lords. I’m not exactly sure if clowns or musical instruments are involved.

Apparently this is all MANDATORY. The fancy black stick ritual dates back to 1361 and the first “Black Rod” was named Walter Whitehorse. Seriously, don’t you just LOVE the Brits? It’s as if we’d expect the President of the United States to dress up in a George Washington costume for his inaugration, complete with short satin pants and a powdered wig. Try to picture it.

I ordered some swell crap yesterday from my pals at Amazon.com. This time it’s Chicken of the Sea pink salmon — which has more flavor than tuna and is actually a LOT healthier — and six 32-oz. containers of College Inn chicken broth. As a semi-lazy senior citizen it’s a comfort to know I won’t have to shlep those half-ton boxes of broth home from the grocery store because the happy slaves at UPS will deliver them right to my front door. If I look pathetic enough maybe they’ll even load them into the pantry for me. God, I love UPS.

I was getting ready to report great news about my blood sugar numbers but (as usual) I think I jinxed myself. My lunch-time “postprandial” reading — taken two hours after I ate — spiked to 300, twice what it should be, and I have no idea why. Yesterday’s numbers were terrific; today’s SUCK. I’m supposed to contact Dr. M tomorrow to discuss my progress on insulin and I’m sorry to say there’s been almost no progress at all. Stay tuned for the next chapter of Marcy’s Adventures in Diabetesland.

I guess that’s about it for now because it’s time to retrieve a couple of deliveries that UPS just dropped off. Today’s treasures include Simply Jif peanut butter and Extra-Strength Tylenol from Wal-Mart and hand soap refills from Drugstore.com. However I don’t want to wake Sam, who’s sound asleep in the family room watching The Bishop’s Wife on TCM. Thank you, as always, for reading this.