Memoir of a hungry, diabetic senior citizen.

Ever wondered what a hungry, diabetic senior citizen does for fun at 3:15 in the morning? I suck TicTacs and prowl around on Amazon ordering Carb-Nada egg fettucini and Bear Creek Darn Good Chili. These are two fabulous products and you should buy them as soon as possible. FYI, Amazon’s prices are excellent if you don’t mind buying six at a time plus there’s also free shipping!

Incidentally, I made Bear Creek chili last night for dinner and even Sam loved it. The instructions tell you to boil 7 cups of water, stir in the mix and one can of tomato paste and simmer for 25 minutes. Holy crap, you wind up with half a gallon of truly amazing stuff and don’t need to throw in anything extra to make it better, although I gave it a shot of cayenne pepper at the last minute because we like our chili with heat. To tell you the truth, I like just about anything with heat except for baloney tacos.

During dinner Sam and I watched The Wasp Woman ... a genuinely terrible science fiction movie from 1959 directed by shlockmeister Roger Corman and starring a variety of strange actors with no visible talent whatsoever. The basic plot? Jan Starlin, the 40-something owner of a cosmetics company, is starting to look old so she hires a scientist who’s promoting a secret fountain of youth formula made from “wasp enzymes.” Jan gets impatient with his lab protocol and starts injecting herself secretly with large doses, turning into a human wasp at night who buzzes around in the office building murdering fat janitors with transistor radios. This is definitely as stupid as it sounds. (Maybe worse.)

The movie bears no resemblance to the poster pictured above for the following reasons: 1) the film was shot in black and white; 2) there are no skulls or half-naked men; 3) the actual “wasp woman” never winds up with the body of an insect because she wears a black wool dress, stiletto heels and a ridiculous PLASTIC MASK (pictured below); and 4) the story is supposed to be based in Manhattan but you can see low-rise buildings and palm trees in all the outdoor shots. Roger Corman had a budget of about $20,000 to make this film but judging from the final product he must have had enough money left to take the cast on a cruise.

This would probably be a fine time to stop typing and hit the sack since my eyes are tired and Sam’s already been asleep for more than three hours. Thank you for reading this, and I mean it sincerely.