This is never a good idea when you're hungry.

See what happens when there’s nothing good on Turner Classic Movies? They’re celebrating director Akira Kurosawa’s 100th birthday with a restrospective and a never-ending string of his subtitled Japanese movies, so I’m forced to surf channels and end up at HSN watching a two-hour food special. Word of warning ... NEVER DO THIS BEFORE YOU EAT LUNCH. Three products got me so hysterically excited that 15 minutes later I’m sitting at my computer logged onto HSN.com, frantically trying to add them all to my shopping cart because — as everybody knows — SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED!

So the voices in my head tell me I want EVERYTHING, and I want it NOW. I mean, look at those gorgeous teeny SHRIMP CAKES, all made by Emeril IN HIS OWN KITCHEN with his OWN CELEBRITY HANDS and delivered right to your front door IN HIS OWN CAR! And look at those SPRING ROLLS ... 30 of them in three different GOURMET FLAVORS with enormous chunks of GENUINE VIETNAMESE MYSTERY FOOD inside! And that Bilinsky SIX-POUND HAM ... holy cow, it’s the LEANEST HAM ON EARTH with ZERO FAT and actually tastes like CHAMPAGNE instead of processed over-salted pork injected with preservatives! This would be PERFECT FOR EASTER DINNER ... never mind that Sam and I are Jewish and have never eaten a baked ham in our entire lives!

And then Smart Marcy grabs the reigns from Hungry Marcy, and I take a closer look at the evidence. All three products actually have some mighty lousy customer reviews, not to mention how over-priced they are. Nobody especially liked Emeril’s shrimp cakes, the spring rolls are ordinary and don’t come with sauce, and the ham is so expensive it’s sold with FOUR MONTHLY PAYMENTS, which means a person would be making installments on their Easter pig until Labor Day.

Bottom line: I decided that a few subtitled Japanese movies wouldn’t kill me after all. Sayonara, y’all, and thank you for reading this.