Crazy Wednesday explained.

Sam and I lead a very quiet life. We don’t entertain, we have practically no friends in Texas, we never have company unless my mother-in-law is visiting from California, and — most importantly — we really like it this way. But every other Wednesday morning our house turns into a manicky free-for-all that genuinely disrupts our preferred pattern of peace and privacy.

The maids. The biweekly bucket brigade arrives at 11 to mop, dust, shpritz and vacuum. They’re here for about an hour, chasing us from room to room so we’ll stay out of their way.

The Schwan’s guy. Our frozen food delivery dude always shows up at 11:45 just in time to shlep his big feet across my wet kitchen floor.

The landscape crew. They’re usually in high gear about the same time our Schwan’s guy gets here, which means Gary has to run interference up the front walk to avoid getting mowed and mulched. (It would serve him right. I’m just saying.)

Sam and I always survive this hoo-hah to the best of our ability, but mostly I just want to hide in the closet for a couple of hours.

And now for my craving du jour! Yesterday it was a tube of Oscar Mayer Authentic Braunschwieger, today it’s — get ready — VELVEETA. I sent Sam to the supermarket this morning while the maids were here so he could bring home a one-pound brick.

Velveeta, as everybody knows, melts like a dream and makes the world’s most amazing grilled cheese sandwiches. However, please do NOT attempt to eat it cold because it’s the same consistency as window caulk.

We’re having a lot of noisy thunderstorms today. They started rolling through here around 3 this afternoon and haven’t slowed down for almost four hours. I don’t mind because we need the rain and I’m a big fan of free water for our lawn and trees. Here’s the latest map from Weather.com for your possible interest. The little red map pin marks the Howdygram’s location in Mesquite. Zoom in a little closer and I’m the one in the window holding my brick of Velveeta.

I’m going to take aspirin now and watch the Margaret Rutherford movies I recorded this morning on TCM. I’m still sick but definitely feel better than yesterday and the day before. This is not nearly as important, however, as today’s headline about creepy Lindsay Lohan, who was sentenced to 120 days in jail — but will only serve 14 — for stealing a $2,500 necklace from a jewelry store in Venice, California. The question is, I wonder what kind of sentence anybody ELSE would get for a heist like that.

Thank you for reading this. I mean it.