Too much information.

In case you don’t think Dallas is a swell and exciting place to live, just take a look at the following list of events going on in town this week.

May 18. Don’t miss the new and improved rocking chair exhibit at the Perry Homestead Museum in Carrollton, Allen High School’s spring band concert at 7 p.m., “A Night with Deadliest Catch” — those kooky crab fishermen from Discovery’s hit TV show — LIVE and IN-PERSON at the Majestic Theater, and the ever-popular corndog-eating contest at Lakewood Landing at 11 p.m.

 May 19. There’s an art tour at Cowboys Stadium beginning at 9 a.m., during which the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders will show off their latest achievements in crayon and magic marker. Some can even color inside the lines.
May 20. The punk bands Rotten Innards and Chest Pains will perform at the Hemphill Club, 1919 Hemphill Street.

Job opportunities. The U.S. government is suing Starbucks for firing a barista in El Paso, Texas, because she’s a dwarf. Although it’s difficult to believe that Starbucks didn’t notice she was a dwarf when they HIRED her, management terminated the girl’s employment when she requested a step stool during training because she couldn’t see over the counter. She filed a complaint with the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission after Starbucks claimed she was a danger to customers and other employees. Mostly I think she’d be a danger to HERSELF, particularly when she starts spewing steamed milk all over the place. Personally, I’m on Starbucks’ side here.

TMI. I don’t know about YOU, but if I never see Chaz Bono’s face again it will be too soon. I have no idea why every news website wants to force this person’s twisted story down our throats, but I’m guessing it’s because Chaz, who now has a penis and a fiancée, was once Sonny and Cher’s blonde daughter with an identity crisis. Mazel tov, Chaz, you are definitely one creepy dude!

And finally, in the Thank God I’m Not Single Any More category, I give you this photo of Mel Gibson, who posed earlier this week on a yacht at the Cannes Film Festival.

This former Hollywood heart-throb has evolved into a middle-aged, alcoholic chain-smoker with man boobs and a beer gut. And as long as we’re advertising Mel’s strong points, he’s also an anti-Semitic wife-beater.

I thank you most sincerely for reading this.