Thursday is my 61st birthday and there’s still plenty of time to shop.

It’s Halloween night and I’m hiding in the study. I can hear car doors slamming and clusters of kids running past the house, but nobody’s ringing my bell because the lights are off and it looks like nobody’s home. This, quite honestly, is absolutely swell! When I finish writing this post I plan to clean out a couple of desk drawers, fill my pill sorter for the week ahead and enjoy my favorite late-night snack: a low-carb vanilla milkshake and a bowl of Vlasic sugar-free bread & butter pickles.

Stop laughing. I have a rich and rewarding life.

From our Puzzling Hobbies and Pastimes department, if you’re a regular Howdygrammer you’ve undoubtedly noticed by now that I redesigned the banner graphic today! I do this frequently. I don’t know why. Some of you may postulate that I have way too much time on my hands, and I think I have to agree with you.

Tomorrow (Thursday) is my 61st birthday and you will be pleased to know there’s still plenty of time to shop. Toward that end, I wouldn’t mind receiving any or all of the following suggested presents. A photo montage appears below in case you need visual aids.

• Cash in any denomination; foreign currency accepted.
• Greeting cards, emails, telephone calls and a big sack of miscellaneous groceries.
• An eye exam with dilation ($90) and new progressive trifocals ($425). 
• A case of Loma Linda Swiss Stake fake meat in a can. Amazon has this.
• Nice stretchy socks for diabetics from FootSmart.com, size women’s 11.5–13. I’d like two pair of white and two pair of black for $23.97. Thank you.
• Lowrey’s hot & spicy microwave Bacon Curls, 18 individual bags for $18.99 from Amazon. (They’re addicting.)
• A box of 100 insulin syringes, size 1ml/cc, 29 gauge, ½-inch length. Try Wal-Mart.

It’s 10:15 p.m. and the Halloween hoo-hah has subsided outside, which means I can finally stop hiding in the study and turn on a few lights. I might even live dangerously and take a shower. Thank you for reading this.

Boo, y’all.

A quick word of warning in case you’re in the neighborhood today with a zombie mask and an empty grocery bag: Howdygram headquarters no longer celebrates Halloween because I’m way too crabby to waste my time throwing handfuls of bubble gum at screechy little strangers. However I do want to share the following vintage Marks family Halloween portrait featuring adorable Sam at age four (lower left) and three of his favorite relations.

Just for the record, Steve is Sam’s older brother, Ben is Sam’s (late) father, and Uncle Frank currently haunts an assisted living facility in North Hollywood.

Boo, y’all, and thank you for reading this.

No more horsing around in Diabetesland.

All’s not well in Diabetesland today after another scary hypoglycemic hoo-hah. Sometime around 4 p.m. I took a nap on the chaise in the family room and had a really hard time waking up afterwards. I kept drifting back to sleep for more than an hour until I forced myself to stand and wobble into the study to check my blood sugar, which was only 43. FORTY-THREE. Holy crap, people, that’s an all-new low for me and not a good number. I never realized that learning to use mealtime insulin would turn into such a balancing act. Thank God for glucose chewables, which is now a featured entrée here at Howdygram headquarters and my new favorite food*. Sam wants me to find a way to wear them around my neck.

At the moment I think I should take a nice hot shower, eat some real food and stop horsing around here. I know you’ll understand. Thank you.

*Not counting Mongolian chicken and sugar-free pie.

I’m glad my feet are dry and I’ve got terrific crap to eat.

Even though we won’t end up with any weather from Hurricane Sandy here in Texas, Sam is still doing his part! He’ll be staying late tonight at work because his company’s offices are shut down on the east coast and other sites around the country have to pick up the extra workload. To amuse myself in the meantime I’m baking a low-carb chocolate chocolate chip pound cake and watching live TV coverage of the flooding in Manhattan. I’m glad my feet are dry and I’ve got terrific crap to eat.

While I’m on the subject of food (as usual), a couple of days ago I placed an order with Netrition.com that probably won’t ship anytime soon because their warehouse is in New York. Somebody please explain how a person is supposed to survive without her low-carb chocolate bars and macaroons. This really sucks.

If you’d like to waste 68 minutes of your life with the lousiest movie ever made, the Howdygram can wholeheartedly recommend Surf Party (1964), a low-budget black & white clunker starring Bobby Vinton, a trailer full of strangely-affectionate girlfriends and forgettable songs written by a fourth grader from Malibu. It’s so awful you can’t stop watching.

Thank you for reading this.

Happy Chevy Truck Month to you and yours.

It’s sunny and 75° here at Howdygram headquarters, and I’m pleased to report that Texas is possibly one of the few states that’s not getting any stupid weather from Hurricane Sandy. If you’re anywhere on the east coast of the United States today, WEAR NOSE PLUGS!

I enjoyed a restful day of slugdom yesterday with Sam that included sleeping until 10:45 a.m., homemade tacos featuring Shelf Reliance TVP imitation taco meat, a nap, watching game four of the World Series and a number of entertaining movies, including: 1) Advise and Consent (1962) starring Henry Fonda, Franchot Tone, Charles Laughton and Walter Pidgeon; 2) All the President’s Men (1976) starring Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford; 3) Seven Days in May (1964) starring Burt Lancaster, Kirk Douglas and Fredric March; and 4) and 20 Million Miles to Earth (1957) starring a bunch of bad actors playing Italians with crappy accents. There was, however, a decent monster created by legendary special effects guru Ray Harryhausen. Ray and the aforementioned decent monster appear above right; a spellbinding action sequence from 20 Million Miles to Earth appears below, depicting U.S. soldiers in Rome (don’t ask) trying to subdue a 40-foot creature from outer space with cap pistols and walkie talkies.

The other three films mentioned above are all outstanding political thrillers based on bestselling books. Advise and Consent concerns a fictitious and terminally ill president played by Franchot Tone attempting to get the Senate to approve his pick for Secretary of State, who’s a really nice ex-Commie played by Henry Fonda. All the President’s Men is the true story of two Washington Post reporters who uncovered a trail of corruption that led to the eventual resignation of President Richard Nixon. Saving the best (in my view) for last, Seven Days in May tells the story of a plot by scary U.S. military leaders, led by Burt Lancaster, to overthrow the U.S. government. Kirk Douglas is the good guy who blows the whistle. Apparently the original bestseller from 1962 was based on the actual right-wing political activities of General Edwin A. Walker after he resigned from the military in 1959. Holy crap.

An apology. I realized last night during the World Series that October was Chevy Truck Month. I neglected to mail appropriate holiday cards this year but promise to remember in 2013. Thank you.

One last thought before I shlep into the family room for lemonade and an afternoon nap. I ordered the following plastic organizers last night from Amazon to help me keep track of my crapola. Two are for the pantry; two are for the fridge. All four were cheap. And as everybody knows, cheap is good.

If you feel like coming over later I could use a gallon of milk. Thank you.

Glucose chewables from Wal-Mart: the most popular snack in Diabetesland!

Sam and I had a fun and frisky Saturday even though it began a little on the weird side for yours truly. I woke at 5 a.m. for no worthwhile reason whatsoever, and after hanging out at my desk for a couple of minutes I realized I was unusually hungry and wobbly so I tested my blood sugar, and 52 was way too low again. A thin-crust Super Supreme from Pizza Hut would have been an excellent solution, but since they don’t open at dawn for breakfast — and neither does China City, damn them — I did the next best thing: glucose chewables from Wal-Mart. They’re the most popular snack in Diabetesland!

A few hours later Sam and I headed north to the Choctaw Casino in Durant, Oklahoma, where we made a big hoo-hah of my birthday (a few days early, in case you’re keeping track) at the buffet and then horsed around afterwards at the penny slots. This time they had my favorite sugar-free pie — banana cream — but NO PEA SALAD. I was counting on pea salad! I didn’t conceal my disappointment very well, unfortunately, and after Sam couldn’t calm me down with two whacks of a serving spoon our waitress had to call security. (Just kidding.) A nice photo of the casino’s buffet appears below. There’s a dude carving something in the foreground but I don’t know who he is and neither does Sam.

In case you’re planning ahead for the holidays, here’s a festive candy option to share with your friends, relatives and coworkers. Order yours today from Amazon.com and tell ’em Marcy sent you. Holy crap, I hope they make a sugar-free version!

Thank you for reading this.

A bowl full of heaven for unsuspecting family and friends.

And now, for your culinary pleasure, I’m pleased to present one of my all-time favorite concoctions — Marcy’s Pink and Fluffy Puffy Crap — a healthy mock dessert that’s loaded with a variety of strange and tasty stuff. If you’re feeling adventurous, here are the ingredients:

• 2 cups plain yogurt (not drained)
• 1 cup light or nonfat sour cream
• ½ cup All Bran cereal
• 1 cup Shelf Reliance freeze-dried raspberries
• 15 to 20 packages of Equal 

Smoosh everything together in a nice bowl, cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least two hours until the raspberries and All Bran puff up. The result is a small mountain of fluffy pink mousse that could count as a whole meal.

If you don’t feel like investing in a can of Thrive freeze-dried raspberries you can also make this dessert with defrosted frozen fruit, such as pineapple, sliced strawberries or mango. Feel free to throw in any liquid you get from the defrosting process.

Thank you for reading this.

Chicken fried steak. Think of it like bungee jumping with a knife and fork.

I’m starving to death as I write this post. Sam is at Wal-Mart buying pastrami and low-carb tortillas to meet the requirements of my ongoing sandwich craving since I don’t eat bread any more owing to the fact that I’m diabetic. I plan to roll up a few pastrami tacos for lunch today with Koop’s horseradish mustard. If you think this sounds unappetizing, you’re nuts.

I also plan to indulge with Marcy’s Pink and Fluffy Puffy Crap, a faux dessert of my own invention that involves a generous wad of plain yogurt, All Bran, freeze-dried raspberries and a frightening quantity of Equal, all mooshed together and refrigerated until it resembles Pepto Bismol mousse. It’s heaven in a bowl! I’ll post the recipe with a photo later today, so don’t forget to come back.

Before I begin expounding on weather news, here’s another installment of our Holy Crap Gallery! With the possible exception of Liza Minnelli, you’d have to be at least 50 to remember Barbara Eden (“I Dream of Jeannie”), pop singer Leslie Gore or Nancy Sinatra. To tell you the truth, Nancy is the only one that I’d recognize if I ran into her on the street even though she has a completely new mouth. As for the others, Barbara Eden’s eyes have disappeared under those chipmunk cheek implants, Leslie Gore looks like a myopic cashier and Liza is just plain scary.

Fall has finally arrived in north Texas! Following unexpected middle-of-the-night rainfall and a bunch of noisy wind, the high today will be 59° with our first hard freeze expected tomorrow morning. This, of course, is nothing compared to what’s heading for east coast of the United States. By Monday Hurricane Sandy will join with a nor’easter of epic proportions — including extreme tides, heavy rain, high wind and the snowstorm from hell — and slam into Baltimore, Washington, New York and New Jersey, causing The Weather Channel’s fear-mongers to predict $1 billion in damage before anybody’s even had a chance to tie down their lawn chairs. A squiggly forecast map from Weather.com appears below as a visual aid.

And finally, today is National Chicken Fried Steak Day, the official state entree of Texas. If you’ve never had the pleasure, chicken fried steak is a slab of pounded beef that’s battered, deep-fried and buried under lumpy wallpaper paste flecked with black pepper. Typical accompaniments include mashed potatoes, black-eyed peas, Texas toast and little fried okra nipples. The meal pictured below will slam your arteries shut in less than 15 minutes but it’s definitely worth the risk. Think of it like bungee jumping with a knife and fork.

I need a nap. Thank you for reading this.

I think I finally nailed my ongoing toaster and can opener conundrum.

A couple of things. First, y’all will be pleased to learn that I’ve finally figured out the best way to arrange my kitchen counters, and it only took five and a half years. (Okay, so I’m slow. You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.) My biggest challenges have been correct placement of my toaster and electric can opener, which I’ve plugged and unplugged at least 275 times, moving them hither and yon from counter to counter for more than half a decade, always ending up frustrated, dissatisfied and despondent.

It’s a real possibility that I might be insane.

Regardless, this morning I think I finally nailed my ongoing toaster and can opener conundrum — glorioski! — as illustrated below, now neatly parked between the bread machine and the knives. Please note how clean they all are. The bottom photo is a portrait of my two shiny new side-by-side spice racks. I spent all day yesterday filling the jars. (Note: The smell of basil can make you gag.)

Second, I’d like to share the following graphic from Obama for America’s website in case you need a few additional reasons to re-elect the president. And just for the record, since this supporter put together various points on the list below the economy has added nearly 5.2 million private sector jobs over 31 consecutive months. Thank you.

Sam just called to tell me he won’t be able to leave work until midnight, which means I can fill the next couple of hours with a nice shower, an episode of “People’s Court” and foraging snacks in the kitchen. I love my life.

The Howdygram strongly recommends early voting. You can go to Denny’s afterwards.

We did it. WE VOTED THIS MORNING. It was so much fun Sam wants to vote again tomorrow!

Our polling place at the Lakeside Activity Center — yes, it’s actually next to a lake — was not quite as chaotic as Tuesday (see earlier post) so we decided to grab the last handicapped parking spot and get in line with an intriguing assortment of old people, yahoos, Elvis impersonators and neighbors. I hope the huge turnout means everybody’s voting for President Obama but I can’t be positive. Incidentally, the Howdygram strongly recommends early voting because you can go to Denny’s afterwards and have a little party. (Try the Senior Scrambled Eggs.)

More breaking election news! According to an article today on Foodbeast.com, out of 2,094 voting-age adults 59% would rather eat a hamburger with President Barack Obama and 41% with Mitt Romney. WHAT A LANDSLIDE! Smashburger hired Harris Interactive to conduct the survey online, and the results also revealed which former U.S. president Americans would choose for a burger buddy: 22% for Clinton; 15% for Abraham Lincoln; 14% for John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan; 5% for Teddy Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington; and 4% for George W. Bush and Jimmy Carter.

Personally, I can’t believe 4% of Americans would pick George W. Bush to do their yard work. And what the hell ever happened to FDR, Grover Cleveland or — better yet — Millard Fillmore?

In case I’ve piqued your interest, Millard Fillmore, a Whig, became president of the United States following the death of Zachary Taylor in 1850, at which time Taylor’s entire cabinet resigned because they hated Fillmore’s creepy little guts. After his term in office ended (1853) Fillmore joined the Know-Nothing movement and opposed Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War. His most popular accomplishment was co-founding the Buffalo Historical Society. Holy crap.

I think I’d better eat something. I just tested my blood sugar and it was only 49, which is maybe two or three points away from calling 911 and certainly explains why I just wrote a Howdygram post about Millard Fillmore. Thank you for reading this.

Get a life, Donald. You’re an embarrassment.

So here’s what’s happening today at Howdygram headquarters! First, I woke up sometime in the middle the night to pee and discovered I was having a hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) episode which, in case you’re unfamiliar with this condition, feels like a combination of severe intoxication, altitude sickness and having a stroke. I ricocheted into the study to suck a few glucose tablets until I felt stronger but never actually went back to bed. A juicy nap is at the top of my afternoon agenda. I’m also hungry.

For your possible interest, below are my favorite hypoglycemia emergency supplies: 1) tasty chewable glucose tablets to raise my blood sugar; and 2) a handy plastic keychain thingy that holds four tablets in case I’m away from home. Both of these products are exceptionally cheap and I bought them online at Wal-Mart.

Second, by now all of you probably have seen and heard Donald Trump’s “big big announcement” about President Obama ... the “October surprise” that he promised would rock the universe and change the course of the election (see my last post). Donald’s horseshit of the day? If President Obama will produce his college transcripts and passport application, Trump will donate $5 million to the charity of his choice.

While the idiot pictured above is still desperately trying to find any shred of evidence, genuine or manufactured, to prove that President Obama was born in Kenya, the rest of us — you know, citizens with actual brains — are more concerned that Mitt Romney: 1) hasn’t disclosed his tax returns; 2) has no grasp of foreign policy; 3) can’t wait to repeal women’s rights to reproductive choice; and 4) still hasn’t revealed the details of his platform’s mystery financial plan. Holy crap, Donald ... GET A LIFE ALREADY. You’re the GOP’s answer to Honey Boo Boo! (Translation: an embarrassment.)

And while I’m on the subject, in case you’re still unfamiliar with loudmouthed Honey Boo Boo and her redneck relatives, here’s an opportunity check out the brat’s recent (attempted) interview with Dr. Drew. Mama June is seated next to her. They eat a steady diet of road kill, Pop Tarts and ramen noodles.



I just lost my appetite. Thank you for reading this.

Donald Trump is the Howdygram’s first-ever Putz of the Week.

I’ve seen a lot of surprising crap during six decades of life but today was really an all-time doozy. Sam and I attempted to vote this morning (early voting in Texas started yesterday) but at 9 a.m. our polling place looked like Wal-Mart on Black Friday with a line of people stretching all the way around the block. WE COULDN’T EVEN GET CLOSE. To cheer myself up I injected 15 units of insulin (in the car when nobody was looking) and we drove to Denny’s for Senior Scrambled Eggs. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) our overcrowded polling place at the Lakeside Activity Center; and C) Denny’s at Belt Line and U.S. 80.

As long as I’m on the subject of voting ... in another last-ditch effort to keep his name in the news, irrelevant GOP blowhard Donald Trump, the Howdygram’s first-ever Putz of the Week, is taunting America today with a “big big announcement” on Twitter tomorrow about President Obama ... something he promises will “change the election.” Does this pea-brain seriously think he’s fooling anybody with all this manufactured hype? Wake me when it’s over. (Thank you.)

But let’s move on to really important issues. There’s breaking news from Boston today, where condom-maker Trojan is seeking a permit to give away 10,000 vibrators at City Hall Plaza. In response to Trojan’s request, Mayor Tom Menino’s office issued a statement that distributing sex toys is an “inappropriate and irresponsible” use for the plaza. While I have no opinion about appropriate or inappropriate permits for city property, what really confuses me is why people with vibrators would need Trojan condoms. I’m just saying.

Glorioski ... here’s another installment of our popular Holy Crap Gallery! If you’re over 50 or just a fan of classic television, you’ll recognize Laura Petrie (“The Dick Van Dyke Show”), Thelma Lou (“The Andy Griffith Show”) and little Timmy Martin from the “Lassie” series after they replaced Tommy Rettig. I decided to throw in Leslie Caron at no extra charge because I just finished watching Gigi on TCM.

Before I sign off to reheat a few leftovers and put away laundry — not necessarily in that order because I’m starving — I wonder if any of you have seen that meaningless new Chanel TV commercial starring Brad Pitt. If not, take a look:



Aside from the fact that Brad Pitt sounds like he’s out of his mind, I’d like to know what’s wrong with modern women and why any of you would consider this skanky dude SEXY. Is it his dirty hair? That creepy beard? The crushed shirt? Holy crap, I’ve seen better-looking specimens sleeping on the curb in downtown Dallas! DON’T YOU PEOPLE REMEMBER WHAT A REAL MOVIE STAR LOOKS LIKE? I offer the following three photos, in case you have no idea what I’m talking about.

Thank you for reading this. It was nice of you to stop by. Next time, bring coffee cake.

Lance Armstrong? Oy, what a dope.

Know what? I’ve finally reached the saturation point with election horseshit and didn’t have the stomach for another presidential debate tonight. Instead, I chose to wash a load of jeans and bathrobes, reorganize the pantry, bake a loaf of pumpernickel and watch two “Hardcore Pawn” reruns. And I think I’m a better person for it!

Breaking news. New Jersey police have exposed a ring of Einstein condiment counterfeiters after discovering a warehouse full of exploding Heinz ketchup bottles. A spokesman for Heinz North America said the fake ketchup bottles were labeled as “Simply Heinz,” its premium brand that uses sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup. According to police, the thieves made two key errors: 1) a chemical reaction caused the repackaged ketchup to ferment and blow up in the heat; and 2) the Einsteins didn’t realize that regular Heinz and Simply Heinz both sell for the same price.

Please allow me to share the following cute family photo of our niece Anna posing with Sam’s mom. Apparently Anna performed yesterday with the Los Angeles Youth Ballet Theatre, appearing in three different short ballets based on Alice in Wonderland, Sleeping Beauty and Peter and the Wolf. Mazel tov, Anna!

I just want to make one comment about the Lance Armstrong scandal. HOW DO YOU GET EXCITED ABOUT WINNING SOMETHING IF YOU HAVE TO CHEAT? Armstrong is just another moron athlete who doped his way to the top and refuses to admit what he did even though thirty or forty thousand teammates have testified against him.

In yet another “holy crap” moment for sports, the governing body of cycling has erased Armstrong from the record books, stripped him of his seven Tour de France titles and banned him for life for his involvement in what U.S. sports authorities describe as a massive doping program that tainted all of his greatest triumphs. They’re even asking him to give back his prize money. Armstrong also stepped down as chairman of Livestrong, the cancer charity he founded 15 years ago, and waved goodbye to longtime endorsements from Nike, Trek Bicycles, Oakley sunglasses and Anheuser-Busch. Following in the footsteps of other prominent losers, I wouldn’t be surprised if Armstrong’s next career decisions include “Dancing with the Stars” and a YouTube sex tape with Kim Kardashian.

Thank you for reading this.

The State Fair of Texas unveils “New Tex”.

In case you were wondering what happened to me yesterday, I was too busy doing practically nothing to write a Howdygram post. I’m really good at doing nothing. It’s an acquired skill. Over the years I’ve learned how to waste more time than an entire crew of streets & sanitation workers. Yesterday this included: 1) making a pot of Marcy’s Revolutionary Bean Soup; 2) two naps; 3) pondering laundry; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. At the moment it’s the wee hours of Sunday morning. Sam (the intelligent one) is sound asleep, and I’m in the study with TicTacs.

I love my life. I also love TicTacs.

There’s some late-breaking news from the Lone Star State this morning! Following the tragic fire on Friday that destroyed the Texas State Fair’s beloved mascot (see earlier post), the 2013 State Fair Organizing Committee has announced plans for “New Tex,” a replacement modeled after a local good ol’ boy — yup, it’s Sam! — with appropriate wardrobe and a LOT more personality than his predecessor. (His predecessor technically had the personality of driftwood.)

Sam and I watched a couple of powerful movies last night, back-to-back: A Face in the Crowd (1957) starring Andy Griffith and Patricia Neal, and Elmer Gantry (1960) with Burt Lancaster and Jean Simmons.

In A Face in the Crowd Andy Griffith is Lonesome Rhodes, a loud, penniless, ex-con country boy with a guitar who’s “discovered” by a publicist (Patricia Neal) and eventually pushed into instant celebrity with his own national TV show. Rhodes morphs into a soulless, power-hungry demagogue of the worst degree whose life turns to total crap at the end after he’s exposed for what he really is. Typical quote: “This whole country’s just like a flock of sheep. Rednecks, crackers, hillbillies, hausfraus, shut-ins, pea-pickers, everybody that’s gotta jump when somebody else blows the whistle. They’re mine! I own ‘em!”

Elmer Gantry is pretty much the identical story, except you get Burt Lancaster as a loud, penniless, ex-con vacuum cleaner salesman who ends up preaching at revival meetings. I don’t think he had a guitar.

I should try going back to bed. It’s almost 5:45 and Sam will freak out if I’m still awake when he gets up an hour from now. He’s going hiking at Lavon Lake this morning with a friend, two dogs, bottled water and a couple of Clif bars. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Lavon Lake, which is located in the middle of nowhere.

For the record, I don’t hike. Hell, I barely walk. Some days it takes every ounce of strength I’ve got just to make the bed and eat things. On the plus side, however, I still enjoy laundry, which is at the top of my “do” list today providing I get some sleep. Thank you for reading this and don’t forget to shut the lights when you’re done.

Little Buddy, the Skipper, Thurston Howell and Lovey are currently deceased.

While I sit here wondering if I’ll ever see Sam again (he’s working very, very late tonight) I thought I’d distract myself and screw around with the Howdygram for a while. To begin, here’s another installment of our Holy Crap Gallery!

In case you’re wondering who the hell are these people, they’re the only living cast members — Mary Ann, Ginger and the Professor — from “Gilligan’s Island,” a painfully stupid TV series that aired on CBS from 1964 through 1967. The entire original cast is assembled below for your possible interest. Little Buddy, the Skipper, Thurston Howell and Lovey are currently deceased. Ahoy, y’all.

As long as I’m posting all this absurd baloney, here’s today’s best reason why you shouldn’t vote for Mitt Romney.

Pursuant to the lead story in my last post concerning the Texas State Fair’s mascot holocaust at the fairgrounds this morning, local weirdo artist Clay Stinnett spent all day today adding flames to his collection of Big Tex oil paintings so he can unload them tomorrow at the Double Wide Flea Market in Dallas. On a personal level, I think Stinnett’s work is disturbing and grisly, particularly the painting on the right with the corn dogs. Rest in peace, Tex!

Thank you for reading this. Please excuse me while I shoot insulin and watch TV.

Big Tex is toast. Seriously.

Holy crap and glorioski! Tell your friends! I WON A $50 SCHWAN’S GIFT CARD TODAY! A few months ago Schwan’s figured out I had too much time on my hands and invited me to join their Customer Connection focus group and share my opinions on a wide variety of mostly meaningless topics, such as do I think more noodles would improve their Beef Goulash — for the record, I suggested more beef — and please rate our Pot Roast on a scale from 1 to 10. Every month the company rewards a couple of focus group volunteers with $50 gift cards, and today it was my turn. This is so exciting I can’t stand it. FREE FOOD!

I’ve got sad and breaking news from Texas tonight. BIG TEX IS TOAST. Seriously. The beloved mascot of the Texas State Fair burned to a crisp this morning due to crappy electrical wiring in his boot. Big Tex, who was certifiably strange and goony, stood at the entrance to the fairgrounds in south Dallas and frightened fairgoers for 60 years. I can only imagine how the sight of a five-story dummy in flames will add to that legacy.

I’m noshing on a fun and exciting snack as I write this post! I refer to Lowrey’s Pork Rinds, which come in little bags like microwave popcorn and all you do is nuke them for 90 seconds until they puff up like big pillows. These things are AMAZING as a salty/crunchy snack food for low-carb dieters like me. One bag gives you 10 grams of protein with only 1 carb and 2 grams of unsaturated fat. In the salty-crunchy universe, that’s pretty damn wonderful. Although nothing will EVER take the place of Cheetos.

Incidentally, you can order Lowrey’s Pork Rinds from Amazon ... a carton of 18 bags is $18.99 with your choice of hot & spicy or regular. (I bought the hot & spicy. They’re pretty tame.)

I’m having fake meat in a can for dinner tonight if you’d like to join me. The complete menu will include a large quantity of Saucettes browned in a frying pan, a nice little pile of leftover vegetables and pork rinds for dessert because I forgot to make pudding. Please RSVP here.

Thank y’all for reading this.

Frustrating political crapola, new perfume and great little hats.

Before I busy myself with a pleasant domestic project — i.e., filling all the shakers for my new spice rack — I’d like to report that UPS just deposited a carton from Amazon on the front doorstep that’s technically big enough for a WASHING MACHINE. I’d probably rupture something if I tried to shlep this bad boy into the house by myself so I’ll have to wait until Sam gets home tonight. Holy crap.

In case this is your first visit to the Howdygram and you don’t know our position relative to this year’s presidential campaign, please allow me to make it perfectly clear.

On the same subject, for your possible amusement please check out the following video clip from “The Daily Show” starring Jon Stewart.

The good news is, I’ll officially be through writing about all this frustrating political crapola after Election Day. Thank you for putting up with me in the meantime. (Seriously.)

From our Spend It While You’ve Got It department, today’s exciting web purchases included two big bottles of discounted perfume from Fragrance.net and a variety of bulk spices and herbs from MySpiceSage.com. The aforementioned perfumes appear below.

I won’t bother posting all the spice photos because they look like little piles of sawdust. A sample appears below in the event you think I’m making this up.

Sam and I watched one of our favorite action movies last night, Northwest Passage (1940) starring Spencer Tracy, Robert Young and Walter Brennan with almost no teeth (see photo at right). It tells the true story of Rogers’ Rangers, a troop of fearless early American guerilla fighters during the French and Indian War. Stationed in New Hampshire, Spencer Tracy (as Robert Rogers) leads his gang of merry men into Canada to kill off the evil Abenaki Indians.

I wish I could figure out why this film isn’t better known, because it’s a big Technicolor hoo-hah from MGM that’s shot on location with gorgeous scenery, excellent performances, a lot of grisly (and authentic) history and great little hats. I’m especially impressed with the hats. No matter what happens to these dudes — crawling through swamps, slaughtering Indians, starving in the forest, marching hundreds of miles with shredded clothes and worn-out shoes, sleeping in trees or shlepping their canoes across mountains — NOT A SINGLE HAT IS LOST!

I might try to squeeze in a nice little nap before dinner. Thank you for reading this!

Romney has binders full of women. Are they three-hole punched, too?

We can always count on Mitt Romney for comic relief, and his gaffe-du-jour from last night’s presidential debate is still spreading across the Internet like wildfire. In case you’ve been out of the country for the last 24 hours, Romney was asked how he would rectify inequality in the workplace and stumbled into an awkward response about “binders full of women.” Although you can read more on thousands of different news websites, the Howdygram intends to grab it own chunk of the action, as illustrated below.

In breaking news a little closer to home, I saw a story on a local Dallas news website this afternoon that really takes the cake for Einstein editorial content. Here it is:

Man runs from police, leaps to death on U.S. 75. Police were called to a convenience store at the 75 access road and Lemmon Avenue after a report of a man causing a disturbance inside the store. When the officers arrived, the man immediately ran across the parking lot and onto the sidewalk of the access road between Lemmon and Hall Street. According to police, after a distance of at least 100 yards the man crossed the access road and, without breaking stride, put his hands on the guard rail and vaulted himself over the wall, landing on the freeway below. The Dallas County Medical Examiner’s office will work to determine the man’s cause of death.

With regard to that last sentence, I’m guessing it was the 40-foot drop onto the freeway. How about you?

From our Who Gives A Crap department, you may or may not be interested to learn that WE HAVE A NEW SCHWAN’S DELIVERY DOOFUS! Gary — who, coincidentally, has the same name as our former delivery doofus (maybe they’re all named Gary?) — introduced himself this morning when he dropped off two huge sacks of assorted frozen whatnots. Today’s order included only one item I’ve never bought before from Schwan’s — their Special Recipe Pizza — and baked one for Sam’s lunch today. I tried a slice and thought it was better than other frozen pizzas and very cheesy. These are also really CHEAP and on sale right now three for $12. Glorioski!

Sam will be home from work soon! Are you as excited as I am?