The world’s easiest dessert that’s not a box of donuts.

Marcy’s Sugar-Free Fruit Cobbler is one hell of a great recipe even if I say so myself. It’s easy, it tastes wonderful and you can even serve it to company with no embarrassment whatsoever if you use nice bowls. I make mine sugar-free because I’m diabetic but I’ve included two recipe variations (see below) in case you prefer regular sugar instead of Equal.

• 1 box dry Pillsbury sugar-free yellow cake mix
• 8 to 10 packets of Equal
• 1 stick melted butter
• Pam spray
• 2 lbs. frozen unsweetened fruit (peaches, blueberries or raspberries)

Preheat your oven to 350°. Place frozen fruit on the bottom of a 9 x 13 glass baking dish that’s been shpritzed with Pam. Sprinkle the fruit with Equal. Pour dry cake mix on top and tap the pan gently until it settles evenly with no fruit visible. Drizzle the butter over the cake mix. Bake for about 45 minutes until brown and bubbly and you can’t stand waiting any more.

If fresh berries are in season, substitute 4 cups for the frozen fruit.

Is this gorgeous, or what? Please send an email if you’d like to request an enlargement that’s suitable for framing. The cost is $1.95 plus postage for a limited time only. Operators are standing by.

Recipe Variations. If you’re not diabetic like me you can use any ordinary yellow cake mix and do one of two things ...

1. Skip the Equal and sprinkle your fresh or frozen fruit with ¼ cup granulated sugar. 
2. Instead of fresh or frozen fruit substitute canned fruit in syrup. Specifically, you’d use two 28-oz. cans plus the syrup/liquid from one of them. (Don’t add any additional sugar unless you’re a junkie.)

Grab the truffle oil and stop the bleeding.

We’ve got a nice little thunderstorm rolling through here right now with lots of nice heavy rain, and I figured it might be fun to share the news with my friends in Howdygramland because we still don’t get nearly enough rain here.

I love the sound of rain. I also love the sound of CAKE (see previous post).

About an hour ago I decided to watch The Lottery Bride (1930) starring Jeanette MacDonald, Joe E. Brown and Zasu Pitts. This is a deeply irritating operetta set in Norway featuring fake icicles and extremely bad styrofoam snowdrifts attempting to evoke the Arctic Circle. The music, which is even worse than the scenery, was composed by a person named Rudolf Friml. I’m not joking about this. I watched for about 40 minutes until I wanted to kill somebody.

Thank God there’s plenty of alternative programming available tonight, such as Bravo TV’s “Work of Art” and “Top Chef.”

“Work of Art” is thoroughly frightful, but I hate to admit that season nine of “Top Chef,” which was filmed right here in Texas, is sucking, too. I always enjoyed “Top Chef” in previous years but so far not even ONE of the cheftestants has exhibited a shred of talent and there isn’t even any juicy drama except for the klutz-of-the-week slicing off a finger during the QuickFire challenge. At least we get to watch them figure out how to stop the hemhorraging ... sort of like “MacGyver” with truffle oil and potato peelers.

Sam is on his way home so I guess I’ll publish this post and move on with my life. Thanks for stopping by.

Cake is a vehicle for frosting.

My new Farberware nonstick baking pan was delivered yesterday at 3:45 p.m. and by 4 I was already baking my first-ever sugar-free Pillsbury yellow cake with sugar-free Pillsbury chocolate fudge frosting. The results were incredible. It tastes exactly like a regular yellow cake with regular fudgy frosting! Even Sam loved it ... and he typically reacts to sugar-free dessert like it’s a Doris Day movie. (With the same expression on his face.)

I’m living in cake heaven right now. Cake is beautiful. Cake is brilliant. Cake is the MOST AMAZING FOOD EVER INVENTED next to Mongolian chicken. God bless cake! And as long as I’m spouting my innermost food philosophies, I’ll share one more revelation ... cake is a vehicle for frosting just like gefilte fish is a vehicle for horseradish. I’m serious. Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest.

I’ve got a ginormous issue to report to you. Yesterday, for the first time since he was in kindergarten, Sam forgot to take his lunch to school work! He left the bag sitting on the kitchen counter and I didn’t discover it until he was already at the office, at which time I called immediately to find out if he’d been cheating on my homemade turkey and cheese sandwiches with fast food or another woman. He denied any wrongdoing whatsoever, which means apparently this isolated episode was just one of those peculiar anomalies of life — like the day I completely forgot to cut his sandwich in half — and our marriage is still intact. You can stop worrying now, okay?

ONLY FIVE MORE DAYS UNTIL HANUKKAH. I’ll post my wish list tomorrow. Shalom, y’all.

Let’s take a road trip!

I want to share an incredibly cool, previously-undiscovered feature on Google’s map website that allows all Howdygramsters — even those of you who may not be not old enough to drive — to share a genuine road trip with Sam without packing a toothbrush!

Get ready for some big fun. Click here to access Google maps, choose “get directions” at the top left corner and fill in “A” and “B” as shown below. Click the big blue button, choose “3D,” and fasten your seat belt because Google’s going to take you on a 3-dimensional turn-by-turn drive — complete with trees and overpasses — from Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite to Sam’s office in downtown Dallas! In real life it’s a 14-mile drive that takes less than 20 minutes.

Keep in mind ... 3D is NOT a particularly speedy feature so don’t be tempted to route yourself from San Diego to Bayonne, New Jersey, unless you’re planning to order a pizza and sleep at your desk. (FYI, there’s a possibility this feature isn’t 100% compatible with your computer or your browser. Please read what’s required here so you won’t get hysterical.)

And now, for the diabetics among you, allow me to recommend another website with a bazillion amazing sugar-free products: eDietShop.com. They’ve got mixes for sugar-free mousse, cheesecake and pumpkin pie, flavored gourmet syrups, beverage mixes, the entire line of those baffling zero-calorie Walden Farms products plus incredible instant pudding mixes with exotic flavors like — be still, my heart — COCONUT and CHOCOLATE MINT. I haven’t placed my first order yet so stay tuned for more details.

Thank you for reading this.

A useful resource for rubber gloves and Vaseline.

Yesterday I posted about a stupid Internet bargain. Today I’m posting about a stupid website. I specifically refer you to NationalDealz.com — “redefining the meaning of deals” — an Amazon.com knockoff that’s a complete and utter failure and recipient of the Howdygram’s latest Einstein Award.

NationalDealz sent me a coupon yesterday for 10% off my first order plus free shipping, no sales tax and a huge hoo-hah promotion about how I can sign up and subscribe to all my favorite household products  — exactly like I already do with Amazon — at “outrageously lower prices.” Unfortunately, you can’t buy anything from their website because they don’t actually have any merchandise. I checked nearly every category and most contain nothing at all.

The only product on the Toys & Games page is a strange frog called Dangly Buddy. There’s also a sewing machine with no product description or price, which makes perfect sense because there’s no “add to cart” button that actually lets you to buy the stupid thing.

The website’s Household Products are limited to Playtex pink rubber gloves and Vaseline. Just between us, I can’t comprehend who the hell would request regularly-scheduled deliveries of pink rubber gloves and Vaseline except a gay proctologist.

NationalDealz.com is an embarrassing website with no redeeming qualities except for an average-looking logo. Unless you’re a gay proctologist, do yourself a favor and shop at Amazon.com. Thank you for reading this.

Beware of stupid bargains … they’re everywhere.

Today’s stupid Internet bargain is available at PaperGoods.com ... a 99¢ box of random overstock paper plates featuring popular designs for all occasions, such as Merry Ramadan, Baby Shower, Happy Bar Mitzvah Irving, Star Wars, Christmas, Hanukkah, Congratulations Graduate and Good Luck Reversing Your Vasectomy. I don’t know about you, but I think a person would have to be pretty damn desperate to want anything as weird as this. PaperGoods.com also offers 99¢ boxes of random overstock cups, napkins, paper tablecloths and storage bags ... and they even sweeten the deal by tacking on a $5 shipping charge.

My Sugar-Free Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage was such a tremendous hit last week that I made it again today, and the best part is IT’S ALL MINE because Sam doesn’t like cabbage! The house smells so wonderful right now I think I’ll try to license the scent to Yankee Candle. I’m serious. Any company that sells meaningless fragrances like Be Thankful, North Pole, Storm Watch, Soft Blanket and Beach Walk should jump at the chance to distribute something truly original like Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage as a scented jar candle, tealights, votives, room spray and potpourri. I’ll make a FORTUNE.

A final thought. Amazon.com delivered my six cans of Pillsbury Sugar-Free Chocolate Fudge Frosting today ... the perfect accompaniment to the six boxes of Pillsbury Sugar-Free Classic Yellow Cake Mix that arrived on Thursday. Unfortunately, there’s only one snag ... MY NEW BAKING PAN WON’T GET HERE UNTIL TOMORROW. I’ve always heard that patience is a virtue, but in my case it would be a miracle. I might have to make a surprise attack on a can of frosting.

Thank you for reading this.

Thought for the day ... hang ‘em high.

Our Sunday morning picture-hanging event is a little strained as I write this post. Sam absolutely hates doing this and there’s not much I can do or say to make it better ... I have a few new pieces that need to be hung and Sam’s the only one who can hang them. Personally, I think he was either frightened by a hammer as a small child or an unpleasant episode with his “ex” scarred him for life, because there’s no other rational explanation for the expression on his face … especially since he actually does a damn good job and everything is always perfect when he’s done. (I’m staying out of his way right now.)

I’ll take a few photos when we’re finished. Feel free to amuse yourself with other activities in the meantime.

I’m having a prescription crisis. On Friday I submitted an online refill request with Wal-Mart for my injectable diabetes medication, and the store called a couple of hours later to tell me “Blue Cross says it’s too soon” and they can’t refill it until Tuesday, December 13. Problem is, I only have two doses left … which means I have to run out before I can get more. This sounds idiotic to me and also mighty risky. Since I believe Wal-Mart’s story Ill have to contact somebody at Blue Cross tomorrow and find out what’s going on because I don’t think there should be an issue if you order a refill three measly days before you run out. Holy crap.

I think it’s lunch time in Howdygramland. Thanks for stopping by.

Sam and Marcy’s interesting day.

It began with a freeway adventure on our way to the Choctaw Casino surrounded by dozens of blinking “oversized load” vehicles and gigantic trucks — seriously, the biggest damn trucks I’ve ever seen in my life — hauling JET AIRPLANE WINGS at least half a block long. Considering the size of their cargo they all moved along at a pretty decent clip, and Sam and I arrived at our destination just in time for lunch before the rest of the senior citizens shlepped into the buffet line. And because inquiring minds want to know, yesterday’s featured sugar-free pie was lemon meringue.

Sam was clearly our big winner at the slots. He ended the day $70 ahead and recouped everything we spent, including gas and lunch.

For the gamblers among you who might be taking notes, the Howdygram’s two favorite slot machines are Sirens and DaVinci Diamonds. We highly recommend both because you get bonuses and free spins with great background music. Also, Sirens has the best payout (and the best light show) when you get five-girls-in-a-row with the purple hair. Their boobs even start to glow. Next time I’ll bring a seat restraint for Sam so he doesn’t jump off the stool and scare people.

We’ve got two very fun things planned for today!

Fun Thing #1. Sam promised to hang some wall decor that’s been sitting in the closet for the last couple of months, mostly because he loves me and hopes I’ll stop pestering him.

Fun Thing #2. Tonight before dinner we want to drive around looking at Christmas lights. The best neighborhood in Dallas is always Highland Park starting at Preston Road and Armstrong ... certifiable mansions with lights done by professionals. (Translation: zero inflatable Santas.) We bring along Altoids and Wheat Thins so we won’t starve to death.

Thank you for reading this. I’m not joking.

Chicken-fried news and monumental topics.

It wasn’t my intention to sit around writing a post at 5 in the morning because I actually woke up for another reason altogether (think bladder), but now that I’m here I might as well launch into a couple of monumental topics.

Monumental Topic #1. We received an ad in the mail yesterday for a brand new restaurant in Sunnyvale. This is a HUGE DEAL since Sunnyvale is basically ranches and mansions with zero night life — unless you’re a longhorn — or dining options. The map indicates: A) our house in Mesquite; and B) the Bull’s Pen Cafe (pictured above) on the south side of Route 80 about 10 minutes from home unless we have to wait for cattle trying to cross Collins Road. (This actually happens.) The cafe’s menu includes a wide variety of exciting Texas specialties such as six kinds of chicken-fried steak, hand-battered onion rings and deep-fried napkins.

Monumental Topic #2. We’re still planning a trip to the Choctaw Casino today so maybe I should go back to bed for a few hours. I do NOT want to conk out at a slot machine and embarrass Sam.

Thank you for reading this.

Who would you rather see naked?

Exciting news from Howdygramland ... we’re going to the Choctaw Casino tomorrow to play the PENNY SLOTS and eat at their REALLY NICE BUFFET with SUGAR-FREE PIE. Yee-ha! I’m guessing we’ll probably hit the road by 10 a.m. and get there just in time for an early lunch. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite, Texas; and B) the Choctaw Casino in Durant, Oklahoma. It’s about an hour’s drive, during which we sing songs and play our favorite road game: “Who Would You Rather See Naked.” (Richard Nixon loses every time.)

I’m also thrilled to report that our latest local edition of “Ad Pages” magazine has a whole bunch of extremely valuable coupons for Denny’s. We love Denny’s, we love their senior citizen menu featuring Senior Scrambled Eggs for $5.50, and I, for one, personally appreciate that nobody ever annoys us for IDs when we order from the senior menu. All I have to do is wave my cane at the waitress.

For your possible interest the aforementioned valuable coupons include:

1. Buy one entree get one free
2. 20% off your entire check
3. $5 off if you spend $20
4. $10 off if you spend $30

We probably won’t use coupons 3 and 4, however, because Denny’s menu is surprisingly cheap and the only way to blow that much money on one check would to bring a lot of friends ... and we don’t have any. (I’m referring to friends, not money.)

In preparation for baking my very first sugar-free Pillsbury cake with sugar-free Pillsbury frosting (see previous post) I ordered an inexpensive Farberware cake pan today from Amazon.com that’s nonstick with a snap-on lid. Seriously, you wouldn’t expect to get so many high-end features for only $11. God bless Amazon!

My cake mixes were delivered yesterday and I intend to start baking as soon as the frosting and cake pan arrive ... hopefully by Wednesday. Please send an email if you want me to save you a piece of cake and thank you for reading this.

No pretzels and the sweaters from hell.

Lucky you … I’m wide awake at 2:30 a.m., posting another intriguing entry to the Howdygram with a nice, tall Marcytini to keep me company. A bowl of pretzels would be swell, too, but we don’t have any in the pantry and I’m way too old for a middle-of-the-night snack run to Wal-Mart. Plus it’s 34° outside. I may be hungry, but I’m not crazy.

And now, something from the Howdygram’s Why It’s Great To Be Jewish department ... classic examples of designer Christmas fashions for goyim. I’d be willing to bet the models posing below also have neon reindeer and inflatable spinning Santas on their front lawns, just like our neighbor across the street.

I should think about going to bed now. Our handyman, Gary, is coming over later today to do a couple of projects for us — such as re-caulking the shower in the master bathroom — and it would be really nice if I didn’t need an afternoon nap because I stayed up all night writing about pretzels, Christmas sweaters and caulk.

Incidentally, there are only 11 more days until Hanukkah, so please stay tuned for my official wish list. Thank you in advance for your generosity.

A Thursday evening postscript.

Yo, Howdygramsters! I thought I’d share a pair of fabulous video clips that I discovered tonight. First, here’s President Obama’s amazing stand-up comedy routine at the White House correspondents’ dinner, where he rips into Donald Trump, Michelle Bachmann and that stupid “birther” issue. I’m positive Obama could do this as a second career after he serves another term as president.



And now ... the most awkward “Wheel of Fortune” moment EVER.

And finally, I discovered another incredible sugar-free product this week … DaVinci Sugar-Free Syrups to jazz up your coffee, cold drinks and desserts. They sell about 30 amazing gourmet flavors (all available with or without sugar) and you can order them on DaVinci’s website. I bought the sugar-free Egg Nog flavor (see photo at right) so I can make myself a few festive milkshakes during the holidays. Other flavors include Caramel, English Toffee, Irish Creme, Chocolate, Marshmallow, Kahlua and every imaginable kind of fruit. DaVinci Syrup is also sold by Amazon.com but Amazon’s prices are actually higher. I have no idea why.

Thanks for stopping by.

Thursday is my favorite day of the week except for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I’m having an excellent day! My house is spotless, I’ve got something fabulous in the oven, there’s great stuff recorded on my DVR — “Top Chef,” four episodes of “People’s Court” and Gigi, to name a few — and tonight there’s a lineup of nine amazing William Powell movies on TCM. These include The Last of Mrs. Cheyney, High Pressure, My Man Godfrey, Reckless and a quirky little film with Bette Davis called Fashions of 1934 that’s definitely worth recording, mostly because it’s not like any of her other performances and won’t be on until 6:45 tomorrow morning.

Guess what! Our new leather bench from Amazon.com was delivered yesterday! It’s gorgeous, and as soon as Sam assembled it this morning I embarked upon a little interior decorating spree that I’d like to share by posting the two photos that appear below. The new leather bench sits at the foot of our bed, and observant Howdygram readers will recognize immediately that the bench we used have in the master bedroom was relocated into the family room in front of the fireplace. There will be a pop quiz on Monday.

Does anybody else besides me want creepy Jerry Sandusky to get whacked with a two-by-four, run over by a snowplow and accidentally shoved off a cliff? In a recent poll he was named “most hated person” in the United States, with Rod Blagojevich landing in second place. I think lots of people have a short memory, however, since Casey Anthony and Joran Van der Sloot apparently didn’t even make the list. Personally, I’m an equal opportunity hater. They all suck.

Thank you for reading this.

Un-stuffed cabbage that’s as good as mom’s.

As promised … here’s the Howdygram’s official recipe for Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage, a mighty tasty no-brainer entree that’s fun to feed your family on a cold December night. However, it’s also okay to eat the whole pot all by yourself because it tastes just as good with or without company. I’ve tried it both ways.

• 2½ lbs. lean ground beef
• ½ cup raw long-grain rice
• 1 small onion, minced
• 2 raw eggs
• salt and freshly-ground black pepper
• 1 teaspoon thyme
• 1 large head of green cabbage
• 2 cans tomato sauce (8 oz. each)
• 1 can diced tomatoes with liquid (15 oz.)
• 1 can tomato paste
• 2 cups water
• ¼ cup apple cider vinegar
• 6 to 8 packets of Equal*

Preheat your oven to 350°. In a bowl blend the tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, tomato paste, water, vinegar and Equal*. Add half the mixture to the bottom of a decent-size roasting pan or large casserole. Coarsely whack up the head of cabbage and add it to the pan. Moosh up the ground beef, rice, onion, eggs and thyme; season with salt and pepper to your taste. Form into jumbo meatballs about 3 inches in diameter and place on the cabbage. Pour the rest of the tomato mixture on top of everything. Cover the pan and bake at 350° for 1 hour; reduce the temperature to 325° and bake for 2 hours more. Then stand back and wait for the stampede.

*Feel free to use ¼ cup of brown sugar instead of Equal.

Keep in mind ... this is a million times faster than the traditional recipe for “stuffed” cabbage rolls because you don’t have to core and parboil a whole cabbage and wrap up each meatball in its own individual leaf. I’m a girl who loves good food, shortcuts and plenty of napkins. Trust me.

What a difference a day makes.

Once again I began my day following “all things Blagojevich” on Twitter, and about an hour ago Illinois’ egomaniacal ex-governor finally received justice for a long list of criminal convictions and abuse of power. He attempted to manipulate the court for leniency this morning but Judge Zagel and the prosecutors were having none of it. And so, although you’ve probably already heard the news by now, Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison. We’re so damn excited here at Howdygram headquarters that I’ve decided to spend the whole afternoon eating halva and making Hungarian stuffed cabbage in my brand new roasting pan. Please send an email if you can think of a better way to celebrate, keeping in mind that I’m home alone and not allowed to drink alcohol. Thank you.

FYI, “14 golden years” refers to a famous quote from the FBI’s surveillance tapes when Blagojevich ranted about Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat being “bleepin’ golden” and “I’m not givin’ it away for bleepin’ nothing.” The genius then tried to sell the Senate seat to Jesse Jackson, Jr., for $1.5 million, and the FBI showed up on Blago’s doorstep 24 hours later with handcuffs.

I seriously hope the prison system shaves his head.

Stay tuned for another post later today. I’ll include my recipe for Hungarian stuffed cabbage and maybe a couple of photos. L’chaim!

Sugar-free hysteria by Amazon.com.

Holy mackerel … I discovered PILLSBURY SUGAR-FREE FROSTING AND CAKE MIXES tonight on Amazon.com! I’ve never seen these products in supermarkets and never even knew they were available until I found them by accident online. I was actually looking for sugar-free brownies, figuring I’d end up buying something ready-made. Glorioski, what a find! Amazon has sugar-free Pillsbury frosting in three flavors, all kinds of sugar-free Pillsbury cake mixes, sugar-free Pillsbury brownie mixes and even SUGAR-FREE SPRINKLES in case you want to decorate some silly cupcakes. Here’s what I ordered ...

There’s a minor drawback to all this sugar-free hysteria, however. You have to order everything in packages of six — six boxes of cake mix, six cans of frosting — and the grand total turns out to be a little higher than you’d expect. Therefore I’ll try not to mention any of this to Sam until absolutely necessary.

When was the last time you saw The Towering Inferno? I probably hadn’t seen this movie for at least 30 years, but I recorded it on one of the movie channels last week and watched it tonight. Although I’m not usually into disaster movies (especially anything from shlockmeister Irwin Allen) the Inferno has held up nicely over time as an amazing film with scary special effects and a genuine all-star cast that includes Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, Fred Astaire, William Holden, Jennifer Jones, Robert Wagner, Faye Dunaway and — no kidding — O.J. Simpson as a semi-sissy security guard who rescues a kitten.

Sam just got home from work so it’s time to sign off. Nice to see you again. Don’t forget to floss, okay?

Famous Sams from history and other important issues.

It’s Tuesday afternoon and I thought I’d spend a few minutes updating y’all on the latest developments in Rod Blagojevich’s sentencing hearing. I’m actually following the fun on Twitter, where representatives from Fox, ABC, CBS, the Better Government Association, the Chicago Tribune, the Chicago Sun-Times, Chicago Magazine, the Huffington Post, Statehouse Magazine and a variety of other news outlets are tweeting minute-by-minute courtroom events. So far the only things I know for sure are: 1) Judge Zagel isn’t buying into any of the defense attorneys’ crap; 2) most reporters think Blago will get 17 years; 3) Mrs. Blago blows her nose a lot; and 4) everybody got back from lunch at 1:30.

In other news, it was way too cold to venture out for a haircut today so I’ve decided to eat leftover Chinese food and address a few holiday cards, with specific emphasis on the word “few.” You may recall that last year Sam and I mailed dozens of holiday cards but received only three ... and one was from our dentist decorated with unnaturally happy molars. Bottom line ... I don’t care if the world turns into a herd of Ebenezers but I’d appreciate a little advance notice so I won’t waste my money on an extra sheet of stamps. Thank you.

UPS just delivered my new roasting pan. This is so exciting I want to take a picture of it, so don’t go away!

And now, for those of you who think this blog tends to be just a bunch of pointless but brilliantly-written fluff, I’m pleased to provide the following web-based course of study from our very own Howdygram University.

• Sam “Momo” Giancana (1908–1975) was a Sicilian-American mobster who ran the Chicago Outfit from 1957 to 1966. Also known as “Mooney” and “Sam the Cigar.”  
• Sammy Davis, Jr. (1925–1990) was a teeny American dancer and singer also known for his impersonations of other celebrities. Davis started in vaudeville at three years old and went on to become a world-famous recording artist and a member of Frank Sinatra’s “Rat Pack.” He married several white women.
• Samuel Adams (1722–1803) was Governor of Massachusetts, a delegate to the Continental Congress, organized the Boston Tea Party and signed the Declaration of Independence. He’s considered a Founding Father of the United States and was also a cousin to President John Adams. I don’t believe this over-achiever ever brewed beer.
• Samuel Houston (1793–1863) was a U.S. lawyer and politician who led the struggle of U.S. emigrants in Mexican territory to win control of Texas and make it part of the United States. The city of Austin was named for him. (Just kidding.)
• Samuel Goldwyn (1879–1974), birth name Shmuyel Goldfish, was a pioneer in American filmmaking and one of Hollywood’s most prominent producers for more than 30 years.  
• Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835–1910), better-known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American author and humorist. He is most noted for growing a screwy mustache but still found time to write “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer” (1876) and “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” (1885).
• Samuel Johnson (1709–1784) was an English editor, journalist and poet with truly stupid hair who produced the groundbreaking Dictionary of the English Language in 1755.  
• Samuel Marks (born 1959) is an extremely tall financial printer of the highest caliber. He has green eyes, loves ice cream sandwiches, baby carrots and raisins and serves as the Howdygram’s official mascot.
• Son of Sam (born 1953) is an American serial killer and arsonist named David Berkowitz who claimed he was commanded to kill people by a demon that possessed his neighbor’s dog. He has been in prison since 1977, which is a damn good place for him.

Thanks for stopping by. Y’all come back now, okay?

Retiree activities and Governor Nitwit bites the dust.

Good morning, and welcome to winter in Texas. Even though we didn’t wind up with any snow yesterday it’s still 31° and way too cold, which means I have zero plans to leave the house in the foreseeable future although I might decide to get a haircut. Staying home is fine, however, because I accomplished a lot on Monday even though I never got around to baking that loaf of barley bread. For example, I did four loads of laundry, emptied the dishwasher, wrote a post for the Howdygram, ate a bagel and three chocolate-covered marshmallows, folded socks and watched The Seven Little Foys with Bob Hope. If you think this sounds lame, please keep in mind that I’m a retired person with no huge motivation to do anything else

Goodbye, Blago. Don’t forget to write. This is it, Howdygramsters ... the hoo-hah of the decade! Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich gets sentenced today in Federal court in Chicago, an unscripted reality show that’s destined make “Top Chef” look like a cooking competition. (Wait. “Top Chef” is a cooking competition.) Blagojevich was convicted last summer on 17 counts of corruption for attempted shakedowns, conspiracy, racketeering, extortion, lying to the FBI and trying to sell Barack Obama’s former seat in the U.S. Senate to the highest bidder (in particular, to Jesse Jackson, Jr., for $1.5 million). The worst part? Governor Nitwit is still defiant, insisting that because he didn’t actually make any money from his schemes, and since his attempts to extort millions of dollars in campaign contributions from Children’s Memorial Hospital, the Chicago Tribune and a horse-racing executive were rejected, none of his activities should be considered criminal.

He’s dead wrong, of course. It was ALL criminal, especially the fact that he was the ringleader. But the main reason they’ll throw the book at this snotty toad is because he still hasn’t taken responsibility or shown a shred of remorse. His cohorts have all been tried and convicted with substantial prison terms, yet today in court Blago’s attorneys plan to ask the judge for — no kidding — PROBATION. (He should get 15 years to life for that stupid hair alone.)

Sentencing is expected to take two days with the final announcement tomorrow. This is so exciting I probably won’t be able to shop, eat or sleep.

And now for something competely scary. A pair of photos ... Ellie May Clampett, then and now. Oy.

Thank you for reading this.

Hot topics for Monday: socks, bread, boobies and cats who love figure skating.

Today is laundry day in Howdygramland. When I finish this post it’s my plan to curl up in the family room with a Marcytini, a William Powell movie and a 50-pound basket of socks and underwear. Please feel free to drop in with a nice coffee cake or — better yet — a large order of those new fries from Burger King. (The suspense is killing me.)

Immediately after my Monday afternoon folding marathon the main attraction in the Howdygram Test Kitchen will be “Marcy Bakes a Loaf of Barley Bread.” I honestly can’t think of anything better on a cold and crappy day than hot bread and butter ... although Cheetos, Mongolian chicken and halva also come to mind. Plus pizza.

Glorioski ... guess what shipped today! My roasting pan! My leather bench! My insulin needles! My furry throw! My wax paper! It’s a shopper’s paradise around here after receiving a string of happy emails from Amazon and Overstock.com. Everything should arrive by Thursday, at which time I’ll post an update with pictures.

And now for some breaking news. According to the Associated Press, a south Florida geezer has been sentenced to 13 months in prison for offering free door-to-door breast exams at a local apartment complex. Phillip Winikoff (pictured below), 81, managed to assault two victims before the police caught up with him.

Even though the Broward County prosecutor’s office has labeled Winikoff a “sex offender,” I think he’s just a resourceful old dude trying to find a way to squeeze a few boobies. The Einsteins who should go to prison are the two stupid women who opened the door and said YES.

And finally, in an effort to maintain the Howdygram’s overall cuteness level here’s a video clip I think you’ll enjoy. It’s a litter of kittens watching and reacting to a figure skating competition on Japanese TV.



Thank you for reading this.

Welcome to Marcy’s whine and cheese party.

Let’s talk about crappy weather for a minute, shall we? Although I’m not going to moan about two consecutive days of mostly nonstop rain (we need every inch we can get), I am going to voice a complaint about FREEZING TEMPERATURES, ICE AND SNOW because it’s not even officially winter and this isn’t supposed to happen yet. (If anybody important is reading this I hope you’re taking notes.) The map below shows you what’s going on here.

The red star off to the right indicates Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite. We’ve got heavy rain right now, but the pink and blue crapola — a huge area representing ICE and SNOW — is moving east at a fairly speedy clip and the rain apparently will turn to snow here by 7 a.m. Personally, I wouldn’t mind if Weather.com got it wrong this time. I’m not ready for snow and I don’t care who knows it.

I think I’ll go back to bed now and annoy Sam. Thank you for reading this.

Sports news, trivia and general baloney.

I wanted to write a post hours and hours ago but haven’t had the motivation because it’s been cold, rainy, dark and crappy for the last couple of days, making it damn near impossible to drag myself off the couch for anything except looking for the remote or getting snacks. Sam and I have been drifting in and out of naps for 48 hours, and the only reason we’re awake right now is because we just finished watching Tiger Woods win the Chevron Open — MAZEL TOV TIGER! — his first tournament win in two years. I’m so happy I could eat a golf ball.

And as long as I’m covering sports news I should also mention that today was Dallas’ annual White Rock Marathon, where tens of thousands of runners in ski hats and thermal underwear braved 45° temperatures and steady rain. Santa was entered but didn’t win because he’s a pasty white dude from the North Pole. (The top three finishers were all from Kenya.)

Last night I ordered a box of insulin needles from Amazon.com. This is no big deal whatsoever but I thought I’d mention it in case you’re keeping track of such things. A photo appears below for your possible interest.

I watched a couple of excellent suspense movies yesterday on TCM. The first was Crossroads with Hedy Lamarr and William Powell, which was a stupendous drama with stupendous plot twists, stupendous clothes and stupendous supporting players like the stupendous Basil Rathbone. Is there anybody who doesn’t love Basil Rathbone?

Then I watched a gritty film noir thing called While the City Sleeps about a bunch of cut-throat reporters all trying to scoop each other on a serial murder case. It featured a cast of thousands such as George Sanders, Rhonda Fleming, Howard Duff, Ida Lupino, Vincent Price and Dana Andrews ... the crown prince of deadpan, alcoholic boredom who played the same damn character in every single movie. While the City Sleeps also provided a close-up look at American goyim in the 1950s, where everybody walks into the local bar for a ham sandwich and milk. A ham sandwich and milk? They may as well ask for pig’s feet and a boilermaker. Holy crap.

The Howdygram is pleased to announce the following monumental events for the week ahead. For instance ...

• December 5: Bigger French fries debut at Burger King
• December 6: Rod Blagojevich is sentenced in Federal court
• December 7: Pearl Harbor is bombed by the Japanese (1941)
• December 8: John Lennon is shot in New York (1980)
• December 9: Charles and Diana announce their separation (1992)

We heard today that Sam’s amazing Aunt Adie drove herself to the hospital on Friday with appendicitis, performed her own surgery and checked out Saturday morning. Okay, I might be kidding about performing her own surgery (I’m pretty sure she had a regular doctor) but she did drive herself to the emergency room and she did go home the very next day. What a shame she didn’t have an opportunity to whine a lot and make relatives bring her jello, Hershey bars and Cheetos! (Next time, Adie, call me for a few tips on the way to the hospital.)

And finally, the U.S. Post Office has announced news so outrageous I actually laughed out loud. Due to budget constraints, beginning January 1 there will be no more next-day delivery for first-class mail. Somebody help me wrap my head around this … what zip code in fantasyland has ever received next-day ANYTHING from the post office? (Every time I mail a birthday card it takes a week and a half.)

And now I think I’ll try to con Sam into ordering Chinese for dinner because it’s getting late, I’m hungry, I don’t feel like cooking and I desperately need something with a lot of hot sauce. Thank you for reading this.

Why do bald people love cowboy hats?

The headlines are all over the place ... Herman Cain has something GINORMOUS to announce today! Although he’s not giving out any advance hints, most media sources — including the Howdygram news desk — can pretty much guess what’s going on. Herman will either tell us there’s a two-for-one sale at Godfather Pizza or he’s pulling out of the GOP race because all of his former female friends, co-workers and money-grubbing pals in skirts just can’t stop making up stories about him. In my personal opinion the dude is pretty damn stupid to run for national office with so much crap piled up in his past. And his poor wife is probably so disgusted she’s ready to shove that hat up his nose.

An Arresting Development. And now for something completely different. On Friday in Albuquerque, New Mexico, a 13-year-old middle school student was arrested for burping in gym class. His teacher called the school resource officer, who asked law enforcement authorities to arrest him for “interfering with public education.” The Albuquerque Police were fine with that and think it’s a good idea to arrest a child for being a kid — when did belching become illegal? — and haul him downtown to the central detention facility without contacting his parents, who are suing.

Last year the boy’s attorney said she won a class action suit against the Albuquerque Police Department for routinely arresting children for nonviolent crimes. That suit was started by the parents of a girl in grammar school who was arrested for not wanting to sit next to a boy with B.O. Albuquerque is frightening. I’ll bet they have a firing squad if you pass notes in study hall.

The Latest Jobs Report. I’ve been reading and enjoying the new 600-page biography about Steve Jobs (the one released two weeks after he died) and thought I’d mention something that really interested me. Steve was adopted as a baby. Although he eventually developed a close relationship with a biological sister, he never knew or wanted to meet his biological father, who’s pictured below. I think this is sort of an eerie look into the future if Steve had lived to be 80 years old. Amazing, isn’t it? They even wear the same glasses!

I’m not tired enough to sleep yet so I think I’ll refill my glass of Coke Zero and read for a while. Thanks for stopping by.

A quick addendum to my previous post.

I forgot to mention that I also ordered this classic roasting pan today from Amazon.com because I intend to start making my own Hungarian stuffed cabbage here at Howdygram headquarters.

A number of years ago I invented a lazy cook’s version of this intensely popular dish so I don’t actually have to “stuff” anything whatsoever. I just do gigantic seasoned meatballs on a pile of cut-up cabbage with my own sugar-free sweet and sour tomato sauce made with Equal. When the time comes I’ll post my recipe.

Thank you for reading this. I’m having mozzarella sticks for dinner.

Nice work if you can get it.

A Howdygram public service announcement. Never, under any circumstances, should you read a full-color Hickory Farms Christmas catalog at 5 a.m. because you’ll develop a desperate need for a lot of plastic-wrapped cheese and salami, as illustrated below. I speak from experience. Thank you.

We only had one entry for yesterday’s contest but my sister-in-law didn’t get it right. The laughing boy in the photo was actually 13-year-old Maurice Chevalier (sorry, Lisa) at the start of his vaudeville career in 1901.

Happy Hanukkah to me! I just ordered a fabulous LEATHER STORAGE BENCH for the master bedroom from Amazon.com. This will look wonderful at the foot of our bed and even has a spacious hiding place for a large quantity of candy bars or sex toys. I also priced leather benches on Overstock.com but Amazon had much better deals (50% less) for basically the same merchandise.

And don’t tell Sam, but I also ordered a faux mink throw for the family room because it’s always been my dream to watch “People’s Court” wrapped in fur. (Not really.) The bench and throw should be here by the middle of next week.

Incidentally, does anybody in Howdygramland — aside from me — use Cut-Rite wax paper? Sam always picked it up for me at Wal-Mart but apparently it hasn’t been in stock for a while and I also can’t find it on Wal-Mart’s website. A greedy no-name seller on Amazon has Cut-Rite for twice the regular price plus $5.49 shipping but there’s no way I’m falling for that. God bless the Internet, though ... I just discovered PaperGoods.com with CHEAPO PRICES on a lot of  everyday household crap. (They even have a huge inventory of nice party supplies, although I haven’t thrown a party in 30 years and don’t intend to start now.) As a bonus there’s no sales tax and tolerable $5 shipping that’s FREE when you spend $49. I ordered several rolls of Cut-Rite and several rolls of plastic wrap.

For the record, I use Cut-Rite to wrap Sam’s sandwiches when he goes to work because his sandwiches are extremely important to me. Thank you for reading this.

Another screwy gimmick we can live without.

Yo. Has anybody besides me tried the latest brainstorm from Downy? It’s called “Downy Unstopables” … teeny flat sprinkles you throw into the wash with your detergent that promise to make your laundry smell nice. To tell you the truth, for years I’d been operating under the premise that lavender-scented Tide and lavender-scented Downy liquid were already doing that … but apparently not, because Downy says you also need their overpriced bottle of smelly little pellets. They offer two meaningless scents: “fresh” or “lush.” Downy’s video clip (see below) clearly illustrates how pointless this product really is.



The actress in the video is a certifiable Einstein who overflows the measuring cap on purpose with at least three times more product than the bottle recommends, which probably makes perfect sense from Downy’s point of view because Unstopables costs $9.99 and you’d be damn lucky to get a dozen wash loads for that price. Bottom line ... if scented detergent and scented fabric softener don’t make your clothes smell good your problem won’t be solved by Downy Unstopables. You’ve got industrial-strength B.O.

For all you geeks out there I’m pleased to announce that Weather.com is indicating a rainy forecast for us! This is excellent news because we’re still under extreme drought conditions here, and every week there’s another pathetic story about longhorn bones and ghost towns showing up in dry lake beds all over the state. (I know, I know. TMI.)

This time the rain even includes a three-day cold front, which is fine with me because it’s December and I don’t plan to leave the house until after Christmas except for weekly scrambled eggs at Denny’s with Sam. (We love their senior specials.) Thank you for reading this.

Stuffed cabbage, guessing games and another stock market hoo-hah.

Investors are probably excited as hell to know the Dow vaulted back up above 12,000 yesterday. I don’t really understand why this happened except apparently it has something to do with central banks all over the world “freeing up credit.” I’d suggest a giant Howdygram cheer but the market could crap out again 24 hours from now and make us all look like a bunch of grinning idiots ... so never mind.

Great news for clogged arteries. Lipitor, the hugely popular cholesterol-lowering drug, lost its patent Wednesday, paving the way for cheaper generic versions. I think we should celebrate with a large cheese pizza.

Before I forget ... I know you’re all waiting for this in-depth recap of yesterday’s junket to Costco! In addition to everything on our list we also bought a container of KOSHER SWEET & SOUR HUNGARIAN STUFFED CABBAGE, gigantic stuffed shrimpy/cheesy portobello mushrooms, a tub of Sam’s favorite Italian pasta salad, a 25-pound sack (I might be kidding) of Hoody’s peanuts in the shell, “chicken firecrackers” (chicken/poblano pepper appetizer thingies), the world’s largest box of frozen mozzarella sticks, sliced rotisserie chicken for sandwiches, two loaves of bread, two huge bottles of barbecue sauce and fresh chipotle chicken burritos.

Hungarian stuffed cabbage, which posed for the photo you see here, is my #1 favorite entree in the whole world, and — brace yourself — IT’S EVEN BETTER THAN MONGOLIAN CHICKEN. (Regular Howdygram readers will grasp the gravity of that statement.) Those “chicken firecrackers” are pretty damn good, too.

Holy crap, all of a sudden I’m STARVING. There’s no more stuffed cabbage in the fridge so I’ll move on to Plan B ... sugar-free chocolate-covered marshmallows. 

In case you’ve got some free time on your hands please study the photo below and try to guess who this laughing 13-year-old boy is. You can either send me an email or post a comment below. There might be a prize for the winner. (I’ll post the results tomorrow so be sure to come back.)

Yesterday was my mom’s 89th birthday. Happy birthday, mom! To commemorate this milestone event I thought I’d post a photo of the house where I spent the first five years of my life ... 6628 Newgard on the north side of Chicago. The building is actually a “two-flat.” We lived on the second floor; my grandparents owned the property and lived downstairs. I used to ride my tricycle back and forth on that sidewalk.

Incidentally, if the picture looks a little grim I should probably mention this was a screen capture from Google maps. (The fact that the house is more than 100 years old might have something to do with it, too.)

I need marshmallows now. Thanks for stopping by.