Yes, friends, I’m one of “those people.” I don’t answer the door for trick-or-treaters.

In this post: Still Halloween, a birthday wish-list.

In Texas, “above average” is a five-star sushi review.

In this post: Happy Halloween, goodies from Costco, the drought goes on.

First, happy Halloween. Second, Sam is on his way to Costco as I write this post. Today’s list includes practically all of our regular favorites, such as: 1) an industrial-size package of surprisingly excellent lox; 2) sushi; 3) two kinds of sliced cheese; 4) breakfast burritos; and 5) two extra-large sacks of chocolate chip Brownie Brittle so Sam can bring one to work today for Halloween. Incidentally, Costco’s sushi is definitely above average, but please remember that I live in Texas and “above average” is a five-star sushi review here.

Seriously, nobody else sells wasabi lip balm.

In this post: Sweets for Sam, great gifts from Archie McFee.

As a quick update to my last post, Sam finally got home this morning at 8:15 after 18 consecutive hours at the office. He was in surprisingly good spirits — the project apparently went well — but holy crap, nobody gets paid enough to work hours like that! Sam slept on and off until 2:30 this afternoon, ate some leftover pizza, showered and went back to work around 3:30. As a bonus the big Halloween surprise I ordered for him on Amazon showed up via FedEx about half an hour before he left ... TWO BAGS OF BRACH’S FALL FLAVORS CARAMEL CANDY CORN. Sugar solves everything.

Worship at the Church of the Giant Weenie.

In this post: Weenie worship, more slave labor.

Mazel tov to the Christian Science Society of Dixon, Illinois, who built a church that looks like a great big phallus with testicles when viewed by Google Earth from outer space. I’ll bet it wasn’t intentional but it’s definitely outrageously adorable. Holy crap, right?

I’ll make you a grilled cheese sandwich if you’ll screw in a light bulb for me.

In this post: Slave labor, fashion and fragrance, living in the dark.

Sam just called to tell me he’s working late tonight. In official “Samspeak,” however, this means he’ll be in the office ALL NIGHT LONG (and all by himself) until first shift comes in at 7 a.m. To drown my disappointment I decided to buy the following cute charcoal gray wool poncho because my birthday is Friday and I’m figuring ... what the hell, why not?

Murder and mayhem in Terrell, Texas.

In this post: First aid, a preponderance of socks, murder and mayhem.

Here’s something I’ll bet you didn’t know about me: I LOVE TEENY BAND-AIDS. You know, the ones that are no bigger than a return address label. They’re always the last Band-Aids left in the box because nobody can ever figure out what the hell to use them for, but I think you should hang onto them forever in case you get a microscopic injury such as a hangnail or small-calibre gunshot wound. This has been a Howdygram public service announcement. (You can thank me later.)

We’re doing a caffeine-fueled happy dance this morning at Howdygram headquarters.

In this post: Cheap caffeine, Sam has a toothache.

It’s 9 a.m. Tuesday and Sam is on his way to the dentist. First, however, he has to stop at Wal-Mart because I’m running low on Coke Zero — holy crap and God forbid — and he needs one can of Folgers to tide him over until our gigantic coffee order arrives on Thursday from Amazon. In case you’re interested, about half an hour ago I bought 12 cans of Folgers Hazelnut (Sam’s favorite) for only $58, and that’s MIGHTY DAMN CHEAP, people. We’re doing a caffeine-fueled happy dance this morning at Howdygram headquarters!

Go suck tumbleweeds, Governor Perry.

In this post: Victory for women, a Halloween surprise, hating my clients.

I’ve got some damn exciting news to share with y’all. A Federal judge has struck down Texas’ draconian new abortion law that would have closed nearly every abortion clinic in the state. It was supposed to take effect tomorrow but U.S. District Judge Lee Yeakel ultimately decided that Texas could not place unreasonable new restrictions on doctors performing abortions or throw additional obstacles in the path of women seeking abortion services. I have only one comment for Governor Perry: YEE-HAW AND GO SUCK TUMBLEWEEDS, YOU MISERABLE MISOGYNIST!

Boris Karloff was a well-dressed Hollywood hunk.

In this post: Insomnia, dense fog, horror movies.

I tried to go to bed at a couple of hours ago — around 1:30, I think — but when I couldn’t fall asleep I decided to get up and horse around with the Howdygram. So here I am again, annoying you in the middle of the night. Try to move on, okay?

NorthPark Center is the biggest hoo-hah in Dallas for high-end shopping.

In this post: Not going out, not staying awake, not watching the Cowboys game.

We almost went someplace today until I changed my mind at the last minute. For the last couple of days Sam and I had tossed around a few ideas about an outing to snooty NorthPark Center in Dallas — I haven’t been to a mall in years! — with lunch at P.F. Chang’s near the south entrance. This could have worked out beautifully if I hadn’t accidentally slept until 11:30, thereby destroying any feasible opportunity to find a parking spot and get seated in the restaurant in advance of the Southern Baptist after-church horde. In other words, I really screwed us up.

Please don’t get too close. I’m not wearing a brassiere.

In this post: Adventures in snacking, an epic nap, wayward thunderstorms.

It’s very late Saturday afternoon and I just woke up from an unexpected nap of truly epic proportions. For instance, shortly after lunch I decided to put my feet up for a few minutes (famous last words) but remained unconscious for nearly THREE HOURS while Sam roamed through the house doing God knows what. At the moment I’m feeling pretty damn good but slightly hungry, the latter of which I’ll address momentarily with some low-carb Lowrey’s microwave pork rinds and a can of my new Cheap Generic Jalapeño Cheese Dip from DollarTree.com. These are pictured below for your possible interest.

Appreciating the hidden dangers of cheap canned meat.

In this post: Amateur surgery.

Hi, people. It’s 5:30 a.m. and I’m wide awake for no apparent reason. I got up about 40 minutes ago for a middle-of-the-night wee-wee and decided I was having way too much fun to go back to bed. Actually, I think my blood sugar might be low, but since I’m still conscious and typing let’s all try not to panic.

Note to Congressman Pete Sessions: Next election I look forward to ending your obvious misery.

In this post: Birthday clubs, casino scooters, vindictive old white men.

This, dear friends, is always my favorite time of year. Because I painstakingly remembered to sign myself up for all kinds of valuable “birthday clubs”: 1) stores, websites and restaurants are drowning me with emails and coupons for discounts, free shipping and piles of free food I can’t eat; 2) my dentist sent a postcard for free teeth-whitening (what a comedian; I wear dentures); and 3) and a scam outfit called Lake Pointe Advisory Group has invited me to a free senior citizen seminar so I can “learn to protect your retirement wealth.” (Here’s a thought ... if I don’t go, I can protect it from THEM.)

The entertaining Civil War, 20th Century Fox style.

In this post: More clients from hell, Civil War entertainment.

Holy crap. My clients, again.

Another one sent me a frantic email this morning: “I see our website has been removed. Did we miss something? Do we owe you money? I don’t understand what’s happening!”

So I write back and tell her yes, your website is offline, and yes, you owe me money. I’ve been sending you emails SINCE THE FIRST WEEK OF SEPTEMBER to alert you to your fourth quarter web hosting payment that was due on October 1. I unpublished your website on the 15th for nonpayment and you now owe me a shitload of dough, including a $20 late payment fee and a $50 labor charge to relaunch your site. YOU ARE SUCH A DAMN PEST. PLEASE GO AWAY, STOP ANNOYING ME AND LET ME RETIRE ALREADY!

Maybe those weren’t my exact words, but they’re really close.

Curing immobility with all the bells and whistles.

In this post: Immobility, innoculations.  

Today was a day that will live in infamy but has nothing whatosever to do Franklin Roosevelt, Pearl Harbor, the Japanese air force or bombs. This was the first day I’ve been out of the house since I drove Sam to the airport back on October 5. And this is also a classic example of what happens to a person when they have crappy mobility: YOU NEVER GO ANYWHERE. Thank God I love Howdygram headquarters or I’d probably blow my brains out.

Immersed in my favorite activity whenever I’m wide awake in the middle of the night.

In this post: Sucking TicTacs, studying Royals, breaking records.

It’s 6:30 in the morning and I’ve been awake since 4. Aside from sucking TicTacs and playing video poker, I am immersed in my favorite activity whenever I’m wide awake in the middle of the night ... visiting the royal family’s official website at www.royal.gov.uk. There are lots of lovely photos of rich people doing things, such as this image of the Queen signing a royal message to stuff into The Queen’s Baton (picture a fancy bedazzled suppository) that will travel all around Britain in a carriage before arriving in Glasgow for the Commonwealth Games. Fun fact ... the Queen has worn her hair like this since 1960.

I have to wash a frying pan.

In this post: Mopping up, praying for retirement.

Sam is working late tonight. My main focus for the next couple of hours will be basic kitchen organization, because my maid will be here tomorrow afternoon and I always feel compelled to straighten up the house before she gets here. This typically includes loading stray dishes into the dishwasher, cleaning off the countertops and I also have to wash a frying pan. A woman’s work is never done.

Pastor Kevin Swanson is a putz extraordinaire.

In this post: Another putz, an all-time low, Sam to the rescue.

How low can you go? I almost found out this morning when I injected mealtime insulin at 11:15 and then forgot to eat lunch. The result? A hypoglycemic episode of epic proportions.

Sam was ready to get into the shower when I staggered into the kitchen, sat down on a stool and shrieked his name two or three times. I’m shocked that he heard me, but thank God he did, because all of sudden he’s galloping into the room like a beautiful gazelle clutching a bottle of my favorite tasty glucose tablets from Wal-Mart, the ones with assorted tropical fruit flavors like banana, coconut and pineapple. (I don’t know what the pink ones are.) In a nutshell, SAM SAVED MY LIFE. Or, at the very least, he avoided the obvious challenge of hoisting me up off the floor if I’d actually passed out. And I was very, very close. Holy crap, people.

The Great Bathroom Disaster of 2013.

In this post: Naked cleanup, costumed kittens, percussion tap.

It began with a simple crash last night around 8 p.m. while I was in the study wasting time online and Sam was still unconscious in bed after working 44½ hours of overtime on Saturday and Sunday. I thought the noise came from the kitchen, such as dishes breaking or possibly crap falling off a pantry shelf, but after looking around for a few minutes we couldn’t figure out what happened. So I moved on to Plan B — what the hell, why not take a shower — and that’s when we discovered the disaster. There, on the floor of our shower stall in the master bath, were the remains of a large soap and shampoo dispenser (pictured below) that had vaulted to its death from the wall along with three quarts of slimy foaming goo on EVERYTHING.

Embracing a time-honored senior citizen tradition.

In this post: Anticipating Sam, Marcy’s Birthday Wish List.

I woke up this morning at 5:30 a.m. for a time-honored senior citizen tradition — i.e., a middle-of-the-night pee — when I realized, sadly, that SAM WAS STILL DOWNTOWN AT THE OFFICE. No kidding, people ... he worked 44½ hours of overtime this weekend and didn’t come home until first shift showed up around 7 a.m. He went straight to bed the minute he walked in even though I suggested Brownie Brittle and Cool Whip for breakfast.

“Come September” includes Sandra Dee and Bobby Darin at no extra charge.

In this post: A Rock Hudson triple feature.

This will probably be my final post of the day. I recorded three adorable Rock Hudson comedies tonight and figure I should use this opportunity with Sam working until sunrise to watch as many as possible before I pass out. They are Come September (1961) with Gina Lollobrigida, Lover Come Back (1961) and Send Me No Flowers (1964), the latter two with Doris Day and Tony Randall. As a bonus — and in case you give a crap — Come September is filmed on location in Italy and includes Sandra Dee and Bobby Darin at no extra charge. (I wouldn’t joke about this.)

When Sam comes home I want to play with his feet.

In this post: Missing Sam, spy thrillers, leftovers.

Holy crap. It’s 6 p.m. on Sunday and I’m bored to death. Sam has been downtown at work since before breakfast (he left when I was still asleep) and probably won’t be home until sun-up on Monday. I have no idea how he does this, but I know it can’t be healthy not to go to bed for 24 hours and exist on a diet of trail mix and leftover pizza. I miss him. When he finally comes home I want to play with his feet, although I’m sure he’ll kill me for saying this. To amuse myself in the meantime I’m watching movies and thinking about things I can eat.

A top-flight horror movie with the biggest demon you’ve ever seen.

In this post: Sunday crapola, demons from hell, introducing Ethel.

It’s 4 a.m. and I’m wide awake. There’s not much to do around here in the middle of the night except for horsing around with the Howdygram so I guess you’re stuck with me for the time being. Sam is asleep, fortunately. He worked 18 hours on Saturday (most of them downtown at the office) and will probably have to work all day today, too. He’s not eating much, either.

And now for our latest movie review! Curse of the Demon (1957) starring Dana Andrews and Peggy Cummins is a top-flight horror movie from noted director Jacques Tourneur.

Set in England, the story features mad scientists, devil worship, snooty houses, a visit to Stonehenge, the biggest demon you’ve ever seen, people getting hypnotized, scary shadows, somebody getting electrocuted, appointment books with missing pages, a nice car, wind, a séance with singing, train rides and zero wardrobe budget because the leading lady wears the same tacky coat in every scene. Sam and I loved this movie, although technically I was the only one who stayed awake all the way through. Sam fell asleep shortly after the singing séance.

My low-carb Mock Matzo Balls are fluffy little beauties in your favorite soup.

On October 13 I posted a simple little recipe for easy low-carb dumplings that you can cook in a pot of soup or stew. After a brief period of intense experimentation in the Howdygram test kitchen I’d like to announce a recipe revision, as shown below.

• 3 cups CarbQuik low-carb baking mix
• ½ cup zero-carb heavy cream
• ½ cup water
• 3 extra large eggs, beaten

Blend all ingredients in a big bowl until you have a nice soft dough. Add a little extra water one tablespoon at a time if the dough is too dry. Drop dough by spoonfuls onto simmering soup (or stew). Cook for 10 minutes uncovered and then 10 minutes tightly covered. No peeking, okay?

Amazon loves me and I love them right back.

In this post: When Saturdays suck, understanding Amazon.

It’s late Saturday afternoon and Sam is at the office. I hate sentences like that, because Sam should be hanging out here at Howdygram headquarters on Saturday afternoons with a cheesy movie on TV, such as The Mask of Fu Manchu (1932) starring Boris Karloff and Myrna Loy or It Came From Outer Space (1953) starring Richard Carlson, Barbara Rush and Russell Johnson. Both films are currently recorded on our DVR. In case you give a crap, Russell’s big break came years later as the Professor on “Gilligan’s Island.” In this part, though, an alien with a giant eyeball turns him into a zombie telephone repairman with a voice like the drive-through at Jack in the Box.

The love affair continues.

In this post: Bagels and buns (part two).

It’s almost 11 p.m. and Sam is working late tonight, so I thought I’d hang out with the Howdygram for a while and keep y’all company. I guess the biggest news is, UPS delivered my low-carb bagels and hamburger buns from Netrition right on schedule (see previous post), and you know what? THEY’RE FAN-FRICKIN’-TASTIC. Only two carbs each. TWO CARBS!