Pastor Kevin Swanson is a putz extraordinaire.

In this post: Another putz, an all-time low, Sam to the rescue.

How low can you go? I almost found out this morning when I injected mealtime insulin at 11:15 and then forgot to eat lunch. The result? A hypoglycemic episode of epic proportions.

Sam was ready to get into the shower when I staggered into the kitchen, sat down on a stool and shrieked his name two or three times. I’m shocked that he heard me, but thank God he did, because all of sudden he’s galloping into the room like a beautiful gazelle clutching a bottle of my favorite tasty glucose tablets from Wal-Mart, the ones with assorted tropical fruit flavors like banana, coconut and pineapple. (I don’t know what the pink ones are.) In a nutshell, SAM SAVED MY LIFE. Or, at the very least, he avoided the obvious challenge of hoisting me up off the floor if I’d actually passed out. And I was very, very close. Holy crap, people.

The Howdygram has another outrageous Putz of the Week to share with you. This time it’s pastor and right-wing activitist Kevin Swanson, who’s taking to the airwaves to warn good American Christians not to buy Girl Scout cookies because the Girl Scouts support a “communist in the White House” and destroy godly womanhood by promoting independent women, lesbianism, Planned Parenthood and abortion. WTF. Who knew Thin Mints and Samoas were Satan’s communion wafers?

The following is a partial transcript of Swanson’s radio rant:

Dave, I’d say you oughta say no to the Girl Scout cookies, too. I mean, I don’t wanna support lesbianism. I don’t wanna support Planned Parenthood, and I don’t wanna support abortion. And if that be the case, I’m not buying Girl Scout cookies. Now, I s’pose if you take a big fat black magic marker and say here, give me that box, and you start marking out all of the references to the Girl Scouts of America on all of the boxes, then maybe we’re not promoting that organization anymore. And I’d be willing to buy it. Maybe so. Maybe it’s not food offered to idols anymore if I have the opportunity to scratch out references to the Girl Scouts of America on the boxes of the Girl Scout Cookies offered to me at Safeway. I don’t wanna promote a wicked organization that, according to its own website, doesn’t promote godly womanhood. It just doesn’t! I don’t see anything that promotes godly womanhood! The vision of the Girl Scouts of America is antithetical to a Biblical vision for womanhood, friends.

Please, I beg of you. Do not buy Girl Scout cookies. Please! I beg of you! Stop buying Girl Scout cookies. And if you do, take a big black magic marker and cross out every reference to Girl Scouts of America on all the signs and all the boxes, because we don’t wanna promote that organization.

Minor side note: Pastor Swanson — truly a putz extraordinaire — apparently doesn’t grasp that, even if you buy Girl Scout cookies and cross out their logo with a “big fat black magic marker,” you’re still buying the Girl Scouts’ product and providing the organization with financial support. You do about as much harm to the Girl Scouts by buying their cookies and defacing a Tagalongs box as you’d do to McDonald’s by paying for 10 Big Macs and throwing them in the dumpster. I’m just saying.