Saturday, April 26, 2014

You can never own too many teeny bowls.

In this post: Household hints, a mascot makeover, nuts for Mom.

There’s not much to report from Howdygram headquarters this evening. Our severe overnight weather forecast has fizzled to drizzle, Sam is soundly asleep in the family room watching Gunga Din (1939) starring Cary Grant, Victor McLaglen and Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., as British soldiers romping through colonial India, and I’m here to share the usual assortment of entertaining tidbits, hot tips and clever crap. Let’s begin, shall we?

HOUSEHOLD HINT FOR SENIORS #1. Sam bought my favorite bag of pure decadence this morning on his Saturday junket to Costco: TWO DOZEN PEELED HARD-BOILED EGGS. Except lately it’s really, really difficult to smash them up for tuna salad due to neuropathy damage in both hands and crippled fingers and I absolutely refuse to shlep and clean a 15-pound food processor just to grind up a couple of eggs. So here’s a brilliant household hint I discovered online this morning: USE A PASTRY BLENDER! You just slice the eggs in half, put them in a bowl and chop up and down with the pastry blender until they’re pulverized. I got so damn excited I immediately ordered one from Amazon, and here it is for your possible interest with a couple of typical eggs.
HOUSEHOLD HINT FOR SENIORS #2. Ever wanted to know how to cut a million cherry tomatoes in half at the same time? Check out this video. (You can thank me later.)

NUTS FOR MOM. Amazon rescued me for a second time today while I was trying to figure out what to send Mom for Mother’s Day other than flowers since the prices are freakin’ INSANE this time of year. I initially considered a nice tray of gourmet nuts from — Mom is 91 and still has her own teeth — except they wanted to charge me $12.95 to ship a $25 bucket of nuts and I almost had a stroke. So I decided to shop on Amazon, and you know what? They sell the same nut tray from for $28 with FREE SHIPPING, plus I get the advantage of Amazon Prime’s two-day delivery so I can order closer to Mother’s Day! AND THEY EVEN DO GIFT CARD ENCLOSURES! Holy crap, right?
EXCITING NEW PURCHASES. I bought myself a set of four Anchor Hocking custard cups a couple of days ago because you can never own too many teeny bowls. Again, Is there anything you CAN’T find on Amazon?
FROM THE FAST-FOOD FASHION POLICE. You may or may not have seen the press release that Ronald McDonald has had a makeover. Apparenty his two new outfits are the result of a TWO-YEAR INTERNATIONAL FOCUS GROUP STUDY (this is not horseshit, people) to get rid of the greaseburger mascot’s outdated yellow jumpsuit and bring him into the 21st century so he’ll have pockets for his smart phone. Apparently clown phones are a thing now.
Henceforth Ronald will wear yellow cargo pants, a vest and striped rugby shirts for everyday activities and a stupid red blazer and bowtie for special events. He will continue to sport the standard balloon-toed shoes and heavy lipstick. Dress him up if you want to, but he’s still a clown.

WE LOVE JOHN OLIVER. His new left-wing political comedy show premiers tomorrow night on HBO. John is a Brit, and nothing is better than a Brit lampooning America’s douchebag conservatives. We highly recommend it. (Please check your local listings. It’s on at 10 p.m. here in Texas.)
And now it’s finally time for a large volume of food because it’s after 9 p.m. and I haven’t eaten anything since Sam got home from Costco this morning at 10:30. I’m considering teeny tacos because I can nuke them in two minutes. Want to come for dinner? I have plenty.

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