Friday, May 9, 2014

Meet Kory Watkins, the ultimate Texas dipshit.

In this post: Fun food, a Texas dipshit, naps.

Know what? Sam did a Costco shlep this morning, which means: 1) great big packages of our favorite teeny tacos and breakfast burritos; 2) a tub of squishy mozzarella balls floating in tasty oily crap with green things (I think the technical name for this is “marinade”); 3) really, really good chicken tamales in GENUINE CORN HUSKS; 4) raspberries; and 5) Brownie Brittle. Forgive me if I sound hysterical but I love this crap. I really do. Sam also had instructions to stop at our neighborhood Wal-Mart for a trunk full of emergency Coke Zeros (I ran out yesterday and had a brain hemorrhage) and four jars of teeny whole mushrooms in salt-flavored preservatives because CRAVINGS.

And now, boys and girls, IT’S PUTZ TIME AGAIN! Our latest Putz of the Week award honoree is Kory Watkins, leader of the “extremist” Tarrant County branch of Open Carry Texas, the organization of douchebag gun-rights failuremen who terrorize local restaurants with assault rifles when moms from a gun-control group are eating dinner inside (see my earlier post). Kory prowls the streets daily dressed in his finest dipshit Second Amendment ensemble: fedora, polo shirt, Wal-Mart cargo shorts, dark blue socks with white loafers and two high-powered rifles to compensate for not having a penis. (I’m guessing.)
Like the rest of Open Carry Texas, Kory thinks it’s cool — and his God-inspired Constitutional right — to haul assault weapons anywhere he wants, whenever he wants, and the rest of us had damn well better just deal with it. This includes stores, school playgrounds, family restaurants, sporting events and public parks, because LIBERTY! JESUS! SECOND AMENDMENT!

I should also mention that Kory Watkins is running for Congress from the 6th Congressional District. His qualifications? He goes to church, he once attended a Texas Republican Convention and he owns a lot of guns.
Sorry, Kory, if I ever spotted you in Albertson’s with a grocery cart in one hand and an assault rifle in the other I’D RUN LIKE HELL AND CALL THE POLICE. It’s also my right to wear underpants on my head and stand in front of your house playing “Lady of Spain” on the kazoo BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT’S A GREAT IDEA. Open Carry Texas is NOT going to end well for these dumbasses. I promise you.

I tied my own personal best for the longest nap EVER today from 9:30 a.m. until 4 p.m. with a half-hour break for lunch. Total time unconscious: SIX HOURS. I have no definite, concrete explanation for why this happens, except that I don’t always sleep very well (or very long) at night due to diabetic peripheral neuropathy pain in my hands and feet, so if I get tired during the day I just COMPLETELY PASS OUT. Our oversized leather chaise from Macy’s is probably the single best purchase we’ve ever made not counting our house.
What’s everybody having for dinner tonight? I need ideas. So far my best options are braunschweiger on toast, nuked frozen hamburgers with a jar of Green Giant mushrooms or a can of Hormel tamales. Emails on this topic will be accepted until 6:15 p.m. Central time. Thank you for your support.

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