Friday, April 25, 2014

Vote for this douchebag or he’ll maybe shoot his cannon at the White House.

In this post: Artisans, douchebags on parade.

It’s a pleasant but slightly clammy Friday afternoon here in north Texas as I wait for my first-ever grocery delivery from the grocery delivery people at In case you missed my post from a week ago, Artizone is like a fancy farmers market with home delivery and I discovered them online by accident. A happy accident. My first order will be here between 6 and 8 p.m. and includes a pound of hard salami, a pound of baloney with sliced-up olives in it, two pounds of mixed bean salad in cilantro dressing and a bag of Brussels sprouts. I’m hungry and I’m hyperventilating! Pictured below for your possible interest are a few of Artizone’s assorted artisans, all located here in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. (I’d be willing to bet money that Big Al owns a pickup and a shotgun.)

I have another Putz of the Week for y’all today. A juicy one this time. I’d considered lampooning Cliven Bundy, that lunatic Nevada cattle rancher who started a war with the Bureau of Land Management, but Bundy’s already getting enough press and I’m sick of his goony face. Instead, meet John Stone of Virginia — the only licensed arms dealer running for office — who promises to “stand up to Obama” with a cannon, which might not be necessary if you’ll elect him to Congress. It goes without saying that Stone is a Republican. You didn’t even have to ask, did you?
John Stone is your standard GOP shizophrenic patriot, a rebel who hates big government so much that he can’t wait for big government to hand him a paycheck but also calls himself an “outsider” who has cannons to defend the Constitution and help him get rid of the entire House Republican leadership and President Obama. Never mind that President Obama isn’t actually running for anything because Stone doesn’t get sidetracked with technicalities. I suggest you watch the following campaign video. (Empty your bladder first.)

So what, exactly, are John Stone’s qualifications for Congress? He’s a proud descendant of Georgia revolutionaries, he fires cannons, he sells guns and he’s a graduate of the public policy program at Pat Robertson’s Regents University. He’ll probably win. Because FREEDOM! CONSTITUTION! CANNONS! AMERICA!

Know what? The right-wing’s gun fetish has morphed into a full-fledged RELIGION. These people actually literally worship firearms. They flock to gun shows, join gun clubs, take pictures with their rifles and think the Second Amendment gives them permission to stockpile weapons and kill anybody who pisses them off. Get off my lawn! Nobody asked you to ring my doorbell! Stop using your cell phone! Your damn dog barked at me! This is clearly a terrified (and terrifying) demographic.

One more example before I retreat to my senior citizen cocoon of Vienna sausages and William Powell movies. Check out Bob Quast, candidate for a Senate seat in Iowa. This halfwitted asshat films a “folksy” campaign video with his Glock, threatens to blow your balls off and characterizes his opponent with a visual of a squealing pig. I ask you, what could possibly go wrong?

I thought it might be nice to end my Friday afternoon Republican parade of douchebags with the most adorable little video I think I’ve ever seen. It’s a sweetie-pie older man, a long-time widower, who’s finding out from his daughter that he’s about to become a first-time grandfather. Holy crap, I just love this!

Actually, “sweetie-pie” is probably the same age as me, but what the hell. Eat more braunschweiger and thank you for reading this.

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